Humor - The recession is ringing in a new era of lowered expectations. The same applies for relationships. Money and good looks are fine, but for now, how about someone with a kind heart and a willingness to share their government cheese?
Gals, look no further. Meet Don Sizing. He's a bailout boy who just may be into you, and he’s just a click away on Nothing Personal Ads & Advice -- if you get there first.
Humor / Politics - After slipping into the U.S. Senate when other ethically-challenged politicians wouldn’t have even tried, Senator Roland Burris is heading down the homestretch.
“I think I can stay in the Senate. I think I can stay in the Senate.”
Keep changing your story, Roland. The water is getting muddier.
“I think I can stay in the Senate. I think I can stay in the Senate.”
What’s that you say? You helped Rod Blagojevich smuggle guns into Serbia in 1992 or was it 1993? No problem. Just keep changing those names and dates. Sooner or later we’ll lose track and lose interest.
“I think I can stay in the Senate. I think I can stay in the Senate.”
And remember, it never hurts to refer to your second and third mausoleums, even if they don’t exist. Confusion and distraction are your best friends.
“I think I can stay in the Senate. I think I can stay in the Senate.”
Humor - Kudos to fictitious cyber sex therapist and columnist Joy Billington. Joy’s column appears in Online Offbeat’s sister Web site, Nothing Personal Ads & Advice. She was recently interviewed by a reporter from Men’s Health magazine. Things were going smoothly until MH’s crack journalist apparently figured out she was corresponding with a figment of someone’s imagination. The correspondent hasn’t been heard from since.
That doesn’t mean Joy’s wonderful and insightful advice must go to waste. The subject: What are the top mistakes men make while having cyber sex?
Men are men. At the first sign of virtual cleavage, they rush to have virtual sex without proper virus protection.
Men never consider that the lusty lass from Lancaster with whom they’ve been sharing online hot oil massages may actually be their bowling buddy from Beford.
Men think they can double fake it, but women always know when guys are checking their e-mail during cyber cuddling.
Men tend to rush things. Rule of thumb: never ask your partner’s imaginary twin sister to join the fun until the third date.
Don’t confuse addiction with endurance. You may have a problem if you’ve typed “Who’s your daddy?” more than 1000 times in one cyber encounter.
Politics / Humor - Guest contributor, Merrill Kazanjian - January, 2009 is a historic month. Barack Obama will become out first African American President and George W. Bush will become out first President in Outer Space (At least if the American people had their way). Other cameos by Alan Greenspan (pouring out his 40 for his dead Wall Street homies), Hillary Clinton (still campaigning to the right of Obama), John McCain (far left), Tim Gunn (right of Obama), Vicente Fox, Henry Kissinger, Al Gore mixed in with several other "characters."
Humor - Do you think you know the true meaning of Christmas? While your chestnuts are roasting and Jack Frost’s nipping at your toes, take this simple test and find out.
Question: While trying to save 25 cents on a pack of tube socks during a holiday sale, you inadvertently trample a Wal-Mart employee to death. Do you:
A: Demand compensation for the damage done to your shoes?
B: Donate the 25 cents you saved to the deceased employee's memorial fund?
C: Send the deceased employee’s next of kin, at no charge, the video you shot with your cell phone that shows the paramedics frantically trying to revive the victim?
D: Tearfully explain to an “Action News” TV reporter that “Even though I caused this person’s death just so I could save 25 cents on a pack of tube socks, I really am a good Christian."?
If you selected any of the above, award yourself a cup of eggnog and start strategizing for Costco’s “Day After Christmas, Two-for-One, 50-Gallon Drum, Dinty Moore Beef Stew” sale.
Television - “Jon and Kate Plus 8” has become "Jon and Kate Plus 8 Million Freebies." The show was cute once upon a time – back when Jon had a job, back when aunts and uncles lent sparkles of generosity, back when Kate did not look like a surly biker chick, back when the kids were cute, back when viewers were not complicit in this couple's stunning greed.
The reality show about the Gosselin family of 10 – sextuplets, twins, and mom and dad – has become surreality. One child, a twin named Madeline, seems to have become severely damaged by the constant intrusion of the TLC cameras. Mady used to chat about whatever popped into her creative head. Now, she’s an object of scorn by her parents for being snarly and uncooperative. Hey, the kid just wants a life. Outcast Mady (seated below right in orange with a sour look) is a martyr for this family's embarrassment.
In a recent episode, Kate, who lectures the camera way too much, forces her children to have a “giving” experience. She takes them all to a discount barn to fill shopping carts loads with various plasticized playthings. TLC, a rich TV network of Discovery channels, flies the whole family to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital to give away the toys. When they're staying at a freebie hotel before gawking at sick children, they promote the movie "The Tale Of Despereaux." In the freebie hotel's big bed, Kate reads the "Despereaux" book while her own children play with "Despereaux" dolls. Creepy. I finally clicked to a conclusion: Enough.
Enough of Jon and Kate’s indulging the selfish mean-spiritedness of their children. The parents do not teach life lessons. They are barely polite to any of their enablers -- people who give them free hayrides, train rides, plane rides, museum tours, hair plugs, sides of organic beef, dinners at Disney World, beach houses in the Carolinas. Enough of Jon and Kate grabbing for the nearest graft after the sad Maui vacation when the four-year-old girls got pedicures and few friends or family showed up for Jon and Kate's faux wedding. Enough of Jon and Kate's pretending to be rich with spiritual values. Their kind of grubby, grabby “rich” is a TV Ponzi scheme. Viewers invest with no reward. “Jon and Kate Plus 8” passed into moral bankruptcy long ago and far away.
Gals, look no further. Meet Don Sizing. He's a bailout boy who just may be into you, and he’s just a click away on 
Television - “Jon and Kate Plus 8” has become "Jon and Kate Plus 8 Million Freebies." The show was cute once upon a time – back when Jon had a job, back when aunts and uncles lent sparkles of generosity, back when Kate did not look like a surly biker chick, back when the kids were cute, back when viewers were not complicit in this couple's stunning greed.![Jon-and-Kate-Plus-8-TLC_74223EFB[1].jpg](http://www.onlineoffbeat.com/Jon-and-Kate-Plus-8-TLC_74223EFB%5B1%5D.jpg)
