Humor / Television - News that this season’s cast of “Survivor” will be divided into teams by race -- black, white, Asian, and Hispanic -- can only mean two things: reality shows are stretching for new ideas and other reality shows will probably copy them.

Race wars and the general ruin of society aside, this may be the kick reality TV needs to make viewers forget public television and dramas without crime scene investigations. Think of the possibilities:

“Big Brother, the Gangbanger Edition.” It’s Crips vs. Bloods, and you won’t want to miss what happens when it’s Tyrone’s turn to take out the garbage.

Project Runway is going strong, but when its ratings or Heidi Klum’s breasts begin to drop, it may be time to go Broadway. Divide the contestants into two teams: Jets and Sharks. What viewer wouldn’t want to see a designer stitching a strapless evening gown while pirouetting through the air during a scissors fight?

“The Apprentice” has been limping along for the past two seasons. The time is right for the Trumpster to divide his wannabe sycophants into three groups: Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox Jews. Competition could include diamond trading, running the entertainment industry, or managing the world banking system. Throw in a guest appearance by Mel Gibson and you’ve got a ratings bonanza.

“American Idol” has already evolved into a competition between hillbillies and the hood. Add William Hung’s extended family to the mix, and people will be voting like…well, voting like they should in political elections.

Aside from high ratings, can any good come from watching a competition that pits one race, religion, or gender against another? We’ve managed to survive a lifetime of jokes about a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. There must at least one common thread to the endless array of reality shows that binds us. Or maybe we’re just all the Biggest Losers.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 08:08 PM

Humor - After being consumed by trivial conflicts in Iraq and Lebanon, and mundane terrorist threats in England, America’s priorities have finally refocused on the more important matter at hand -- the capture of JonBenet Ramsey’s alleged killer. The question is: From what next crisis will we be distracted by inconsequential issues like widespread poverty or World War III? Here are my best bets:

• Former Congressman Gary Condit denies any responsibility for the disappearance of eight of his nine mistresses within a four-month period.

• Desperate to maintain the secret that he is Jewish, actor Tom Cruise attempts to murder his two brothers, Murry and Irving Cruise.

• Paris Hilton nearly dies after a botched brain enlargement procedure.

• The Boulder, Colorado D.A. announces the arrest of Gilbert Gottfried for the murder of JonBenet Ramsey.

• Police surround Michael Jackson’s condo in Dubai while Jackson holds the Vienna Boys Choir hostage.

• O.J. Simpson is nearly circumcised to death after asking Mel Gibson for his daughter’s hand in marriage.

• The Olsen twins are cloned into the Olsen quadruplets.

• Lindsay Lohan is arrested for speeding while trying to break her father out of prison.

• Katie Couric is kidnapped by Columbian narco-terrorists while doing a live report on off-shore colonoscopy scams.

• The Boulder, Colorado D.A. announces open auditions for the murderer of JonBenet Ramsey.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 01:54 PM

Ask Dog Lady -- Dog Lady has marked her unique territory. She offers lighthearted advice and wisdom -- with a serious nip if necessary -- on dogs, life and love.

Nothing Personal Ads & Advice -- If you think Web sites like Match.com and eHarmony are funny (in a kind of painful way), take a look at one that's intentionally hilarious.

Blue Mass Group -- For those who like their politics feisty and Dukakis-friendly.

Keller @ Large -- Both conservatives and liberals disagree with cbs4 commentator Jon Keller. He must be saying something right.

Media Nation -- Dan Kennedy knows everything about the media -- including if your paper boy is stealing your sports section.

Truth & Progress -- An entertaining place to save the world. And they DO tell the truth -- although truth be told, they've never been strapped to a lie detector.

Shouts and Mumbles -- A funny and engaging blog by someone who is funny but not engaged.

Posted by Ben Alper at 12:02 PM

Ben Alper has written material for Jay Leno, Joan Rivers, and other comedians who have appeared on shows like the “Tonight Show” and “Late Night with David Letterman.” His Web site Nothing Personal Ads & Advice spoofs online dating, and dating and relationships in general. He is a political commentator as well as an op-ed columnist. His life story was the inspiration for "Cops: Season Five."

Monica Collins, former TV critic for USA Today and the Boston Herald, has written about the media for various other publications. She watches copious amounts of cable and is now particularly stuck on HGTV's real estate shows -- think "House Hunters" and "Designed To Sell" -- as well as Bravo's "Project Runway." She cries through "Animal Cops" and laughs during Jon Stewart and "South Park." Collins urges the "Queer Eye" guys to pack it in and begs HBO to resurrect "The Comeback."

Spike Loveless may or may not exist outside the mind of David Lennon, his caretaker and only friend. Since being “discovered” by Lennon in 1987, panhandling outside a liquor store in Boston’s South End, this unique talent has become renowned for his practical, no-nonsense writing on human relationships.

While no records exist to prove it, Loveless claims to have studied writing and literature at Oxford University and to hold a doctorate from the Mimi Lessinger University of Ballet. So far as anyone knows, he’s never worked a day in his life and currently lives in Lennon’s garage. He is a strict vegan who subsists on a diet of Jack Daniels and American Spirit cigarettes.

David Lennon is a graphic designer and would-be author who grew up in the dangerous Boston suburb of Weston. He is a shameless self-promoter who is not above using this space to push his business interests in Maine -- The Kennebunkport Inn (www.kennebunkportinn.com), Beach Grass (www.beachgrassshop.com) and The Coastal House (www.thecoastalhouse.com), or to seek representation for the two crime/thriller novels he’s written and would desperately love to sell.

In his spare time he writes songs and dreams up movie and TV series ideas, primarily to amuse himself. His motto is: “If someone would pay me to write fun shit I’d dump this graphic design gig in a second.”

Jim Macri grew up in Somerville, Massachusetts and moved to Medford after being chased out of Somerville by an angry mob. He is a faceless bureaucrat in the life insurance industry, and hopes to purchase a face as soon as he starts making decent money. His hobbies are reading, overeating, and raising pet dust mites.

Mitra Farmand is a recently laid off programmer/analyst in Somerville, MA. She started drawing cartoons about a year ago and now she can't stop. She invites you to check out her all cartoon web site and her silly blog.

Posted by Ben Alper at 11:50 AM

Online Offbeat is a virtual Algonquin Round Table -- without the round table.

Each of our clever contributors holds court in front of his or her computer, regaling their pets, plants, and housecleaners with insightful and imaginative observations -- covering every topic from Abba to ze president.

Online Offbeat invites you to eavesdrop on our little group as they weigh in on important issues like:

At what public bath will Yo Yo Ma and Justin Timberlake record their first duets album?

What three books would Paris Hilton take to a deserted tropical island? (Okay, three pamphlets.)

Will the Bush Administration claim that a review by the New York Times’ new perfume critic, has compromised government security?

Someone may even spew forth a serious, thought-provoking contemplation about nuclear annihilation or reality TV etiquette.

If you like what you see, we invite you to keep reading. If not, may you find yourself in a book discussion group with a pack of camels and Jessica Simpson.

Posted by Ben Alper at 11:46 AM

• Staff

• Ben Alper

• Monica Collins

• Mitra Farmand

• David Lennon/Spike Loveless

• Jim Macri

Posted by Brendan Alper at 07:42 PM