The Next Distraction
Humor - After being consumed by trivial conflicts in Iraq and Lebanon, and mundane terrorist threats in England, America’s priorities have finally refocused on the more important matter at hand -- the capture of JonBenet Ramsey’s alleged killer. The question is: From what next crisis will we be distracted by inconsequential issues like widespread poverty or World War III? Here are my best bets:
• Former Congressman Gary Condit denies any responsibility for the disappearance of eight of his nine mistresses within a four-month period.
• Desperate to maintain the secret that he is Jewish, actor Tom Cruise attempts to murder his two brothers, Murry and Irving Cruise.
• Paris Hilton nearly dies after a botched brain enlargement procedure.
• The Boulder, Colorado D.A. announces the arrest of Gilbert Gottfried for the murder of JonBenet Ramsey.
• Police surround Michael Jackson’s condo in Dubai while Jackson holds the Vienna Boys Choir hostage.
• O.J. Simpson is nearly circumcised to death after asking Mel Gibson for his daughter’s hand in marriage.
• The Olsen twins are cloned into the Olsen quadruplets.
• Lindsay Lohan is arrested for speeding while trying to break her father out of prison.
• Katie Couric is kidnapped by Columbian narco-terrorists while doing a live report on off-shore colonoscopy scams.
• The Boulder, Colorado D.A. announces open auditions for the murderer of JonBenet Ramsey.
