« August 2006 |
Main
| October 2006 »
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I have kind of an odd problem. People never seem to believe that I’m sincere. I think the problem is that my normal speaking voice is kind of flat, so when I say I’m excited about something or angry or whatever, people think I’m faking it or being sarcastic. The only time they believe me is if I’m actually lying and pretending to feel one way or another. At those times I feel like I’m being really over the top and obviously fake, but everyone else seems to buy it. This has been going on for as long as I can remember. Any suggestion?
— Monotone Mike in Medford
Dear Mike — That certainly is a serious problem, and I think you’re absolutely right in your diagnosis of the cause. I’m afraid you’ll simply have to learn to speak in a more exaggerated manner at all times. And for good measure, you should also learn to open your mouth much wider than necessary, over annunciate, and flail your hands around for emphasis. After all, has anyone EVER projected more sincerity than the inimitable Jm (Jim) J. Bullock? Remember the genuine passion he effortlessly evoked as Monroe Ficus stared longingly at the comely Deborah Van Valkenburgh and Lydia Cornell on “Too Close for Comfort” and uttered those immortal words, “GEEEE, Mr. Rush, your daughters are SOOOOOO BEA-U-TI-FULLLLLL.” I know that Spike, for one, bought it entirely, and was positively shocked to later discover that Jm is gay in real life.
Fortunately for you, Mike, there is help. Most hair and beauty schools in the area also offer degree programs in exaggerated speech and behavior (and you thought it was just a coincidence that all those boys at Club Cafe talked that way). My advice would be to sign up now!
Seriously, Mike, I don’t really see your problem as much of a problem. Consider poor Spike, for instance, for whom the opposite holds true. No matter how sarcastic or disinterested I am, people seem to believe that I sincerely care about their problems. For instance, at this moment you’re probably thinking that I put a lot of thought into this response, when the reality is that I just got a new wireless connection and wanted to see if it worked from the bathroom. We all have our crosses to bear, Mike, and compared to Spike’s, yours is but a tiny one made of popsicle sticks.
Sorry to flush and run, but I think I hear a cocktail calling me.
Love & Kisses,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Humor / Politics - With Election Day looming, many candidates must face facts: Their campaigns may not be going as well as expected and will need to consider drastic measures to be victorious in November.
Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum has tried to sleaze his way back to the top but still finds himself trailing state treasurer Bob Casey. If he can’t turn things around soon, he may have to make a pact with the devil -- if Karl Rove is available.
Republican and gambling maven Alan Schlesinger has not been able to break single digits in his Connecticut senate race with Ned Lamont and Joe Lieberman. If (or when) he loses, Schlesinger’s only option will be to ask Lamont and Joe Lieberman to go double or nothing.
Grace Ross, the Green-Rainbow Party candidate for governor in Massachusetts, is currently battling Other and Undecided for fourth place. A Druid campaign ceremony with a two-drink minimum might help her give Undecided a run for its money.
John Spencer, the former mayor of Yonkers, is running neck-and-toes with Senator Hillary Clinton. Conventional wisdom says he doesn’t have a chance, but it’s not over until the fat lady sings -- or if the fat lady tells Page Six about her fling with Bill Clinton.
This also may not be the year for porn star Mary Carey to unseat Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. Her over-the-top sexual teasing hasn’t worked for Barbara Milkowski and it won’t work for Carey. If, however, she can demonstrate a bare minimum of intelligence, she could lay the groundwork for a 2008 presidential run.
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — My girlfriend and I are about to celebrate our first anniversary together and I’m planning to move in with her shortly after. The problem is that as the date grows closer I’m starting to see another side to her personality that makes me nervous. It’s like she’s started to treat me more like her child than her girlfriend. In reality I’m a year older than she is (both mid-30s), but she’s become very patronizing toward me. On a few occasions when we’ve been out with friends and I’ve said something she doesn’t agree with, she’s basically scolded me in front of them, acting like my opinion is just stupid or ill-informed. She’s also hyper-critical of decisions I make and seems to think it’s her job to teach me the “right way” to do things. At the same time I get the sense that she resents feeling like she has to assume this role and that she’s exasperated by me a lot of the time. What do you think is going on? Has she fallen out of love with me? How do I let her know how she’s making me feel in a positive way? I do love her, and I want to make the relationship work, but right now the thought of living with this new her scares me.
— Jesse, Dorchester
Dear Jesse — First of all, let me compliment you on your restraint. I believe you may have set a new world record for length of a lesbian relationship without co-habitation. Brava!
As for what you’re experiencing, the problem, to paraphrase the great Chris Rock, is that you haven’t actually been dating your girlfriend; you’ve been dating her representative. The fact is that everyone, with the exception of Spike, has an idealized vision of themselves. That vision is the person they want to be. It’s not necessarily a complete lie (though it’s often delusional), but it’s not usually the reality, either. This is the persona they conjur up when they approach a new relationship.
For example, when you persuse the personal ads everyone seems to enjoy quiet dinners at home and walks on the beach, but if that’s true, then what the fuck is everyone doing at the Cheesecake Factory and Olive Garden, and why is it that the only people you ever see walking the beach are those old guys with metal detectors? The reason is that personal ads are all about the idealized vision. Maybe someone is unhappy with their real life and imagines that things will change if they can find someone who wants their idealized vision. Or maybe they’ve learned from past relationships what doesn’t work, so they’re trying a new tact. Spike isn’t cynical enough to believe that these people are purposely trying to mislead (except when they all claim to have swimmer’s builds and 8” penises), but they are certainly augmenting the bait in hopes of landing a mate who will be their own ideal. Let’s face it, would anyone respond to an ad that said “I like to sit around the house watching reality programs and eating Doritos while I clip my toenails”? Probably not, though Spike believes that to be the reality for most people.
So what Spike suspects is that your girlfriend has been making a conscious effort to be her bestest little self (her idealized vision), but now that she has you firmly entangled in her web her fangs are beginning to show. Now, I’m not saying that she’s been knowingly dishonest with you. It may well be that she learned from previous relationships that her behavior didn’t work, and she may have been making a conscious effort to change. The problem is that she never dealt with the root causes of her impulse to control (and that’s what this is all about: control), and now she’s falling back into the behavior that’s most comfortable and natural for her.
This behavior isn’t unusual. If you study relationships, you’ll see it exists in most to one degree or another (particularly couples with young children). Over time one partner begins to assume more of a parental role, publicly admonishing their partner, critiquing their behavior, speaking to them as if they can’t comprehend complex thoughts. Now Spike is all for infantilization in the bedroom (there’s nothing like some diapers and a good spanking to spice up the evening), but as an every day way of life it’s a problem.
First of all, it’s embarrassing for people around you. While I’m all for seeing my friends publicly humiliated, I don’t want it to be in an icky relationship way. Secondly, it makes the “child” in the relationship feel diminished and inadequate. It’s human nature to grow into the roles we’re given. Give someone more responsibility and they’ll usually rise to the challenge. Show them that you have diminished expectations for them and they’ll start to underwhelm you. Treat your partner like a child and they’ll start acting like one. And the “parent” ends up with all the responsibility and a lethal load of resentment. It seems to Spike that that’s what you’re beginning to see when you say your girlfriend often seems exasperated by you. She’s created the situation by trying to assert control, and now she’s frustrated because she feels like she has the burden of all the responsibility.
My guess would be that the catalyst for her change in behavior is the decision to move in together. Even for lesbians this is a big step, because it means having to share your personal space. If your girlfriend has control issues, she’s probably already worrying about how much closet space you’re going to need for your flannel shirts, and what to do with your extra set of “Xena, Warrior Princess” DVDs.
My advice is to address the problem now, before you move in with her. One evening, after you’ve finished polishing your Harleys, fix a nice pot of chamomile tea, turn off the “The L Word,” and sit her down for a heart-to-heart. Tell her you’ve noticed a shift in the dynamic of your relationship and it concerns you. Avoid accusations, but be honest and specific about how you feel when she does or says certain things. If, as Spike suspects, she’s suffering a relapse into behavior that she was trying to change, she may actually be grateful for the opportunity to discuss her own feelings (because after all, what dyke doesn’t relish the chance to vent ad nauseum about her feelings?). Make sure she knows you’re not attacking her and that you still love her, but make it clear that the situation is untenable for you as is. If necessary, postpone the move for a few months to take off the pressure and see what happens.
Best of luck, Jesse. It just warms Spike’s heart knowing that one more lesbian couple may be nesting together...and that your local Home Depot may be enjoying two more steady customers.
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Television-- Ever since "The Oprah Winfrey Show" premiered for its 21st season earlier this week, Rosie O'Donnell, co-host of ABC's "The View," has been obsessing about Oprah and best friend Gayle King's cross-country road trip and their relationship. O'Donnell declared on a recent show that Winfrey and King are a "little bit gay."
If anything, Winfrey and King are a little bit high schoolish in all their proclamations about being bestest best buddies. These protestations seem cutesy, not Sapphically driven. Before they began their cross-country trip, King made Winfrey "pinkie swear" they'd stay best friends no matter what the obstacles. And watching them on their well-staged, well-edited jaunt, you get a glimmer about the real friendship between these two. King is Winfrey's reality before Oprah became an empire. These women have known each other a very long time and are supremely comfortable just hanging out. Anyone who has a close friend over many years can relate -- gay, straight, bi, tri, or semper fi.
O'Donnell's suggestion, however, raises the spectre that "The View" could become an outing ground of daytime TV. Pity the next celeb birdie fried in Rosie's gaydar. Anyway, who cares if anybody's gay, much less "a little bit gay"? Bigfoot O'Donnell steps madly while trying to find her rhythm on the show.
Television -The name “CW” Network is so confusing. Whenever I hear “CW,” I inevitably think country-western. I think a whole network full of “Reba” and America’s top models in cowboy chaps and twirling lariats.
Will The CW catch on? If you’re a loyal “Gilmore Girls” adherent, you will stumble into them wherever they roam. Marginal shows such as “7th Heaven,” “Smallville,” and “Supernatural” might have a tougher go catching traction. Ironically, "Reba" isn't even down with The CW. She's been canceled.
To me, The CW is a branding problem for a marginal broadcast network wrestling for an identity.
monica@onlineoffbeat.com
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I just moved to Boston from Idaho to go to college. My new roommate is gay. He’s a really nice guy and we get along great, but I’m not sure how to act around him. He’s the first gay guy I ever met. If I hang around in our room in my underwear is it going to make him feel uncomfortable? I never thought about stuff like that when I spent the night at my friends’ houses back home, but now I’m not sure what the proper etiquette is. Is there anything special I should know about living with a gay guy? Thanks.
— Mark in Boston
Dear Mark — I must say that Spike finds it hard to mock you because you’re so earnest and thoughtful. A tad naive, perhaps, (trust me, that unmarried older gentleman in the bowtie who worked at the Piggly Wiggly and lived with his mother? Gay!) but apparently quite sensitive. Your concern that your near-naked body might make your roommate feel uncomfortable is almost touching. Most straight guys would just be worried about giving their homo roommate a woody and getting boned in their sleep.
It seems to me that what you’re really looking for is some sort of all-purpose handbook for the feeding and watering of your gay. Fortunately for us, but unfortuantely for you, we gays come in many flavors... like a great big field of lollipops...which makes it impossible to come up with rules that apply to one and all. Perhaps if you gave me a little more information about your roommate, and sent a photo or two of him (like possibly in the shower), I could get more specific, but for now I’ll just stick to the basics.
The first thing you should know is that gays are people, and as such they need the same things that you yourself need: food, water, friendship, love, respect, and intoxicating substances. It’s really that simple. Yes, there may be some cultural differences, and the experiences you each go through during your time co-habiting will undoubtedly vary quite a bit, but at the end of the day you’re both looking for the same things in life. You don’t have to do anything special or act any differently because of his homo-ness.
As for the etiquette of lounging around in your underwear, while Spike finds the whole concept quite unsanitary, he doesn’t see any reason for concern on your part. Giving your roommate the benefit of the doubt and assuming that he’s not some perv who wears your dirty undies on his head while you’re in class, I don’t think you need to worry about making him feel uncomfortable. I would suggest, however, exercising some degree of modesty, such as keeping your knees together if you’re wearing boxers and avoiding any undergarments comprised primarily of a strap up your butt crack. Remember, even the docile doe may attack if unduly provoked.
Now I’m sure that some would say that you’re just asking for trouble, or worse inviting your roommate's sexual attention, by flaunting your body in front of him, but contrary to what the Christian Right would have you believe, gays don’t get any sort of bonuses for converting straights, and since there are no prizes involved very few of us bother trying. Yes, there are some homos and dykes who get off on trying to turn straights, just as there are some straights who get off on the attention of gays, but they’re a small minority. Chances are your gay has no interest in trying to get in your pants. Even if he finds you attractive, he probably respects your hetero thing.
So I guess what I’m saying, Mark, is that if you’re comfortable hanging around him in your underwear then go for it. Your roommate may even appreciate the fact that you’re comfortable enough around him to do so. And at the very least you’ll give him something to fuel his masturbatory fantasies for the next few months. Just kidding, Mark. Stop being so earnest!
THAT was exhausting! It’s much too early in the morning and Spike is far too hungover to have to be so serious. Hopefully next time I’ll get a letter about something more frivolous, like the persecution of gays in the Middle East.
Until then, all the best,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Humor / Mass. Politics - Things Mitt Romney needs to do to complete his transformation from moderate to conservative Republican:
• Change his name Billy Joe Romney
• Claim to have proof of WMDs in Cambridge
• Debate teeth-whitening tips with Al Franken on Fox News
• Sponsor a NASCAR driving team
• Propose tax relief for anyone rich enough to own a congressman
• Use the term “cut and run” at least five times – while addressing preschoolers
• Deny a wedding license to SpongeBob SquarePants
• Replace all Mass Turnpike workers with chain gangs
• Support parental notification for women seeking to vote
• No more Karaoke duets with Cindy Sheehan
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Humor / Politics - 1. Like you’ve never invaded the wrong country.
2. The T-ball game went into extra innings.
3. I thought FEMA was a high-caffeine drink.
4. You try paying attention after working three straight hours.
5. That part of the Constitution wasn’t written on the index card I was given.
6. We would’ve gotten here sooner but Air Force I broke down.
7. No one told me what that button was for.
8. Fox News wouldn’t have reported it if it wasn’t true.
9. Barney ate my classified report.
10. Because Dick Cheney said I could.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — My partner, Marc, and I are expecting our first child in mid-November and we’ve been arguing for weeks on what to name him. I think we’ve finally got it narrowed down to two choices. I’m leaning toward Gabriel Corcoran Smith-Feeney. Marc wants to name him Gannon Welby Smith-Feeney. While I think they’re both strong names, Gabriel was the arch angel and our son is truly going to be an angel brought into our lives. What do you think?
— Anxious Parent-to-be
Dear Anxious — When you say “expecting our first child,” what do you mean exactly? Like that’s when the UPS truck is scheduled to show up? Because Spike isn’t getting the sense that either you or your “partner” is biologically capable of birthing this baby. These new-fangled medically engineered families are so confusing to poor Spike!
Now, Spike must admit that this is a little outside my usual area of expertise since I don’t have that biological imperative to fill the world with little clones of myself. Mind you, it’s not something I’m bitter about. After all, why would I want some little parasites suckling on my financial teet for 18 years when I could be blowing my cash on booze, smokes and hustlers? Plus there’s that whole awkward period when they come to visit you in the nursing home and spend hours greedily eyeing the heart monitor, praying for those annoying little jigs and jags to go flat so they can get their hands on your fortune. No thanks.
But to get back to your question, despite my inexperience in this area, I will do my best to help...because that’s what I do: I’m a helper.
First of all, let me ask you a question: Did Marc, by any chance, grow up watching medical dramas? If Spike’s memory serves him correctly (and it always does when he’s off his meds), Dr. Joe Gannon was the name of the character immortalized by the inimitable Chad Everett on “Medical Center,” and Welby was the last name of the character played by Robert Young on “Marcus Welby, M.D.” If Marc’s just going to pick random names from old TV shows and put them together, how about Huggy Bear Festus or Pugsly Hutch? I think those have a nice ring to them.
As for Gabriel, please give Spike a warning before saying things like “our son is truly going to be an angel brought into our lives.” If I’d wanted to vomit today I would have taken a shot of Ipecac. Now, I’m sure that your imminent bundle of joy will be an angel for you, but why settle for naming him after God’s second choice? After all, Satan was the first archangel, so why not call the wee one Beelzebub?
Okay, you want some real advice? How about John or Steve or Mike, or something else that doesn’t sound like a furniture collection from Pottery Barn? Because the chances are that your son will never be the Prime Minister of England, so he doesn’t need to be named like one. The way Spike sees it, if you saddle your little blob with a self-important name you’re just asking for trouble, because he’s going to grow up with a grandiose sense of his own importance, and before long you and Marc will be bowing and scraping as you serve him his Zwibeks and pate on a silver tray. And the fact is, no matter what you name him, if he’s a Eugene at heart he’s going to grow up to be a Eugene, and if you’ve named him Cameron Masterson Leviticus it’s only going to make the disparity between the name and the reality more obvious, inviting ridicule and playground beatings. At least if he’s named Joey he might be able to fly under the radar.
Oh, and while we’re talking names, Spike declares that white parents can no longer make fun of black parents for making up names like Anfernee and DeShaniqua for their kids. Gwyneth Paltrow fucked that up for all the white people.
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Television - Rosie O’Donnell is the Big Foot who threatens to stomp out “The View.” O’Donnell has the official title of moderator and a license to talk more than anyone else. Still, her jackhammering presence on the ABC daytime show is so loud, so overbearing, so overwhelming that she obliterates all other conversation. Viewers are left feeling exhausted by the garbled gab.
During the September 13 show, as O’Donnell rattled on about googling Lindsay Lohan’s private parts (she never explained why), Barbara Walters, the diva di tutti divas who recruited O’Donnell, finally had to step on Big Foot: “I must say,” Walters exclaimed, “it’s hard to get a word in.” O’Donnell momentarily fell silent, but then led the others to shriek the V-word as she proclaimed that she never said “vagina” so often as during her first days on “The View.” The meta message dangled as the audience at home and in the studio audience flashed on the L-word and O’Donnell’s psychosexual impact on the show.
Other panelists must be displeased with the new tableside task of vying for attention with O’Donnell. Certainly, Joy Behar, a stand-up friend of O’Donnell’s, can’t conceal her curled lips when Mt. Rosie spews. Behar had a similar facial tic when Star Jones prattled about her breast lift. You must wonder whether Behar feels nostalgic for the Starry old days.
When O’Donnell started raving on about how she “loved” Georgette Mosbacher, the lacquered Republican doyenne, she mispronounced her surname. Behar chided her and squeaky conservative mouse Elizabeth Hasselbeck wondered, essentially, whether Rosie wanted to sleep with Mosbacher. O’Donnell loudly explained she feels the same platonic way about Georgette as she does for "my Tommy” Cruise. Let's not go there.
Part of this chemistry problem is caused by a status shift. O’Donnell reminds her colleagues constantly that she once was a contender. “I used to have my own show and I didn’t have to listen to anybody,” she sniffed. Whatever. She can still get the last word on her blog, but, reportedly, she promised Walters she wouldn’t post indiscreet ramblings about “The View.”
O’Donnell is a compelling character. At her best, she’s an unfiltered hoot. She evokes a tough crowd I once hung with at summer camp -- Irish Catholic Long Island girls. She’s made her bones being brash and edgy, but on "The View," supposedly a collegial roundtable, O'Donnell must work well with others, which seems a problem for this chat hog.
Monica.Collins@onlineoffbeat.com
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — My girlfriend, Dana, and I are making our annual summer pilgrimage to visit my parents in Maine next week. My mother has already made it clear that once again Dana and I will be sleeping in separate bedrooms. I’ve put up with it in the past in order to keep the peace in the family, but I’ve had it. Dana and I have been together for six years. She’s as much my family as anyone and it hurts both of us to see my mother’s disrespect for our relationship. How should I handle this?
— Distraught Dyke
Dear Distraught Dyke — Tell me, did you have to be strapped to a chair while you were writing your email in order to keep your spineless torso from simply flopping over onto the table? It’s pretty clear who must wear the strap-on in your house.
Look, if your mother doesn’t want to acknowledge and respect your relationship, there’s not much you can do about it. I understand that her attitude is hurtful to you and Dana, but there aren’t any magic words you can say that will suddenly change it. You basically have two choices: you can stick it out and hope that over time her attitude will soften, or you can sever all ties with her and hope that your father dies first so she will be left a miserable, grieving widow who will always regret the fact that she drove her only daughter away (of course, that only works if you are, in fact, her only daughter).
As far as forcing her to change the sleeping arrangements now, forget it. It’s her house so her rules are in play. But that doesn’t mean you have to be a pathetic martyr to her heartless tyranny. You could, for instance, simply cancel your trip and go to Lesbos or a truck rally or whatever you dykes like to do for fun on your vacations. Or you could take the novel step of staying in a nearby hotel instead of in the house. If Mommy Dearest asks why, you just tell her that it’s a more comfortable situation for you and Dana. You don’t have to cop an attitude or paint rainbow stripes in your mullet: just state the fact and let her draw her own conclusions.
Not everyone can be as lucky as Spike, whose whole family cradled him to their collective bosoms and enthusiastically embraced his sexuality (or were those my scout troop leaders?), but even with the most intolerant familes there are usually ways to maintain some sort of relationship while still asserting our rights to exist on our own terms. Just keep in mind that the best solutions are the ones that let everyone feel like they’ve won at least a little. And if the idea of compromise is too much for you to handle, just take a deep breath and keep repeating these words: “Some day they will be dead and I will inherit all their money.”
•••••
Dear Spike Sez — I’ve been dating an older guy for 3 months now. He’s 44 and I’m 23. In most ways he’s ideal. He’s handsome, has a hot body, he’s great in bed, he’s smart and he has a really good job. I like him a lot, and when we’re alone things are really good. The problem is that whenever we get together with his friends he makes me feel stupid. Whenever they talk about stuff like old singers or TV shows he makes a point of asking me in front of everyone if I know who they’re taking about. He also mentions that I’m still living with my parents and working at Starbucks. I think he really likes me, but when he says stuff like that it makes me feel like a stupid kid compared to him and his friends. How should I talk to him about this?
— Queer in a Quandary
Dear Queer — Let’s suppose you had a refrigerator stocked with an endless supply of Red Bull or whatever you kids drink when you’re tripping on Ecstasy, but every time you tried to open the door it gave you a huge electric shock? Would you keep it as is because of the tantalizing nectar inside, or would you trade it in for a new one?
Ha, that was a trick question, because the obvious solution would be to call a repairman to fix the damn thing. But I just know that you chose one of the other options because your problem is that you can’t see the obvious.
Let’s analyze this dreamboat of yours for a moment: you say he’s smart, successful, and goodlooking, yet he’s dating someone much younger who he feels compelled to belittle in public. Do you suppose that maybe, just maybe, he’s suffering from a negative self-image, and that he sees you as a plaything he can easily manipulate and use as a verbal punching, all in an effort to feel better about himself?
Okay, okay, I know that’s harsh and I’m sure you’re a very mature young man and that he truly appreciates all your admirable qualities, blah, blah, blah...but the proof is in the pudding, as they say (and haven’t you always wondered what that means?) and the fact is he treats you disrespectfully. If he treats you with disrespect, chances are that’s because he doesn’t respect you.
I’m sorry, Queer, but that’s the hard truth of it. That doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of respect. It just means you need to find someone who doesn’t get off on tearing you down in order to build himself up. It’s time to work on your self-respect and end things. Tell the old fart you’re not being fulfilled by the relationship, and when he starts getting nasty and verbally abusing you (as I’m sure he will), just remember it’s not really about you.
One other thing, Queer: I couldn’t help but notice that the qualities you listed that made this guy such a great catch were slightly....oh, what’s that word...oh yes, superficial. If you want to avoid this problem in the future, you might want to look for something more substantial than a guy’s looks, abs, or bank account. Not that I’m accusing you of being a mercenary little slut or anything. I’m just saying.
Ciao for now!
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will continue make them up.
|
