Caring for Your Gay
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I just moved to Boston from Idaho to go to college. My new roommate is gay. He’s a really nice guy and we get along great, but I’m not sure how to act around him. He’s the first gay guy I ever met. If I hang around in our room in my underwear is it going to make him feel uncomfortable? I never thought about stuff like that when I spent the night at my friends’ houses back home, but now I’m not sure what the proper etiquette is. Is there anything special I should know about living with a gay guy? Thanks.
— Mark in Boston
Dear Mark — I must say that Spike finds it hard to mock you because you’re so earnest and thoughtful. A tad naive, perhaps, (trust me, that unmarried older gentleman in the bowtie who worked at the Piggly Wiggly and lived with his mother? Gay!) but apparently quite sensitive. Your concern that your near-naked body might make your roommate feel uncomfortable is almost touching. Most straight guys would just be worried about giving their homo roommate a woody and getting boned in their sleep.
It seems to me that what you’re really looking for is some sort of all-purpose handbook for the feeding and watering of your gay. Fortunately for us, but unfortuantely for you, we gays come in many flavors... like a great big field of lollipops...which makes it impossible to come up with rules that apply to one and all. Perhaps if you gave me a little more information about your roommate, and sent a photo or two of him (like possibly in the shower), I could get more specific, but for now I’ll just stick to the basics.
The first thing you should know is that gays are people, and as such they need the same things that you yourself need: food, water, friendship, love, respect, and intoxicating substances. It’s really that simple. Yes, there may be some cultural differences, and the experiences you each go through during your time co-habiting will undoubtedly vary quite a bit, but at the end of the day you’re both looking for the same things in life. You don’t have to do anything special or act any differently because of his homo-ness.
As for the etiquette of lounging around in your underwear, while Spike finds the whole concept quite unsanitary, he doesn’t see any reason for concern on your part. Giving your roommate the benefit of the doubt and assuming that he’s not some perv who wears your dirty undies on his head while you’re in class, I don’t think you need to worry about making him feel uncomfortable. I would suggest, however, exercising some degree of modesty, such as keeping your knees together if you’re wearing boxers and avoiding any undergarments comprised primarily of a strap up your butt crack. Remember, even the docile doe may attack if unduly provoked.
Now I’m sure that some would say that you’re just asking for trouble, or worse inviting your roommate's sexual attention, by flaunting your body in front of him, but contrary to what the Christian Right would have you believe, gays don’t get any sort of bonuses for converting straights, and since there are no prizes involved very few of us bother trying. Yes, there are some homos and dykes who get off on trying to turn straights, just as there are some straights who get off on the attention of gays, but they’re a small minority. Chances are your gay has no interest in trying to get in your pants. Even if he finds you attractive, he probably respects your hetero thing.
So I guess what I’m saying, Mark, is that if you’re comfortable hanging around him in your underwear then go for it. Your roommate may even appreciate the fact that you’re comfortable enough around him to do so. And at the very least you’ll give him something to fuel his masturbatory fantasies for the next few months. Just kidding, Mark. Stop being so earnest!
THAT was exhausting! It’s much too early in the morning and Spike is far too hungover to have to be so serious. Hopefully next time I’ll get a letter about something more frivolous, like the persecution of gays in the Middle East.
Until then, all the best,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
