Look, if your mother doesn’t want to acknowledge and respect your relationship, there’s not much you can do about it. I understand that her attitude is hurtful to you and Dana, but there aren’t any magic words you can say that will suddenly change it. You basically have two choices: you can stick it out and hope that over time her attitude will soften, or you can sever all ties with her and hope that your father dies first so she will be left a miserable, grieving widow who will always regret the fact that she drove her only daughter away (of course, that only works if you are, in fact, her only daughter).

As far as forcing her to change the sleeping arrangements now, forget it. It’s her house so her rules are in play. But that doesn’t mean you have to be a pathetic martyr to her heartless tyranny. You could, for instance, simply cancel your trip and go to Lesbos or a truck rally or whatever you dykes like to do for fun on your vacations. Or you could take the novel step of staying in a nearby hotel instead of in the house. If Mommy Dearest asks why, you just tell her that it’s a more comfortable situation for you and Dana. You don’t have to cop an attitude or paint rainbow stripes in your mullet: just state the fact and let her draw her own conclusions.

Not everyone can be as lucky as Spike, whose whole family cradled him to their collective bosoms and enthusiastically embraced his sexuality (or were those my scout troop leaders?), but even with the most intolerant familes there are usually ways to maintain some sort of relationship while still asserting our rights to exist on our own terms. Just keep in mind that the best solutions are the ones that let everyone feel like they’ve won at least a little. And if the idea of compromise is too much for you to handle, just take a deep breath and keep repeating these words: “Some day they will be dead and I will inherit all their money.”

•••••

Dear Spike Sez — I’ve been dating an older guy for 3 months now. He’s 44 and I’m 23. In most ways he’s ideal. He’s handsome, has a hot body, he’s great in bed, he’s smart and he has a really good job. I like him a lot, and when we’re alone things are really good. The problem is that whenever we get together with his friends he makes me feel stupid. Whenever they talk about stuff like old singers or TV shows he makes a point of asking me in front of everyone if I know who they’re taking about. He also mentions that I’m still living with my parents and working at Starbucks. I think he really likes me, but when he says stuff like that it makes me feel like a stupid kid compared to him and his friends. How should I talk to him about this?
— Queer in a Quandary

Dear Queer — Let’s suppose you had a refrigerator stocked with an endless supply of Red Bull or whatever you kids drink when you’re tripping on Ecstasy, but every time you tried to open the door it gave you a huge electric shock? Would you keep it as is because of the tantalizing nectar inside, or would you trade it in for a new one?

Ha, that was a trick question, because the obvious solution would be to call a repairman to fix the damn thing. But I just know that you chose one of the other options because your problem is that you can’t see the obvious.

Let’s analyze this dreamboat of yours for a moment: you say he’s smart, successful, and goodlooking, yet he’s dating someone much younger who he feels compelled to belittle in public. Do you suppose that maybe, just maybe, he’s suffering from a negative self-image, and that he sees you as a plaything he can easily manipulate and use as a verbal punching, all in an effort to feel better about himself?

Okay, okay, I know that’s harsh and I’m sure you’re a very mature young man and that he truly appreciates all your admirable qualities, blah, blah, blah...but the proof is in the pudding, as they say (and haven’t you always wondered what that means?) and the fact is he treats you disrespectfully. If he treats you with disrespect, chances are that’s because he doesn’t respect you.

I’m sorry, Queer, but that’s the hard truth of it. That doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of respect. It just means you need to find someone who doesn’t get off on tearing you down in order to build himself up. It’s time to work on your self-respect and end things. Tell the old fart you’re not being fulfilled by the relationship, and when he starts getting nasty and verbally abusing you (as I’m sure he will), just remember it’s not really about you.

One other thing, Queer: I couldn’t help but notice that the qualities you listed that made this guy such a great catch were slightly....oh, what’s that word...oh yes, superficial. If you want to avoid this problem in the future, you might want to look for something more substantial than a guy’s looks, abs, or bank account. Not that I’m accusing you of being a mercenary little slut or anything. I’m just saying.

Ciao for now!
Spike

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