To Affect or Not to Affect?
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I have kind of an odd problem. People never seem to believe that I’m sincere. I think the problem is that my normal speaking voice is kind of flat, so when I say I’m excited about something or angry or whatever, people think I’m faking it or being sarcastic. The only time they believe me is if I’m actually lying and pretending to feel one way or another. At those times I feel like I’m being really over the top and obviously fake, but everyone else seems to buy it. This has been going on for as long as I can remember. Any suggestion?
— Monotone Mike in Medford
Dear Mike — That certainly is a serious problem, and I think you’re absolutely right in your diagnosis of the cause. I’m afraid you’ll simply have to learn to speak in a more exaggerated manner at all times. And for good measure, you should also learn to open your mouth much wider than necessary, over annunciate, and flail your hands around for emphasis. After all, has anyone EVER projected more sincerity than the inimitable Jm (Jim) J. Bullock? Remember the genuine passion he effortlessly evoked as Monroe Ficus stared longingly at the comely Deborah Van Valkenburgh and Lydia Cornell on “Too Close for Comfort” and uttered those immortal words, “GEEEE, Mr. Rush, your daughters are SOOOOOO BEA-U-TI-FULLLLLL.” I know that Spike, for one, bought it entirely, and was positively shocked to later discover that Jm is gay in real life.
Fortunately for you, Mike, there is help. Most hair and beauty schools in the area also offer degree programs in exaggerated speech and behavior (and you thought it was just a coincidence that all those boys at Club Cafe talked that way). My advice would be to sign up now!
Seriously, Mike, I don’t really see your problem as much of a problem. Consider poor Spike, for instance, for whom the opposite holds true. No matter how sarcastic or disinterested I am, people seem to believe that I sincerely care about their problems. For instance, at this moment you’re probably thinking that I put a lot of thought into this response, when the reality is that I just got a new wireless connection and wanted to see if it worked from the bathroom. We all have our crosses to bear, Mike, and compared to Spike’s, yours is but a tiny one made of popsicle sticks.
Sorry to flush and run, but I think I hear a cocktail calling me.
Love & Kisses,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
