As for what you’re experiencing, the problem, to paraphrase the great Chris Rock, is that you haven’t actually been dating your girlfriend; you’ve been dating her representative. The fact is that everyone, with the exception of Spike, has an idealized vision of themselves. That vision is the person they want to be. It’s not necessarily a complete lie (though it’s often delusional), but it’s not usually the reality, either. This is the persona they conjur up when they approach a new relationship.

For example, when you persuse the personal ads everyone seems to enjoy quiet dinners at home and walks on the beach, but if that’s true, then what the fuck is everyone doing at the Cheesecake Factory and Olive Garden, and why is it that the only people you ever see walking the beach are those old guys with metal detectors? The reason is that personal ads are all about the idealized vision. Maybe someone is unhappy with their real life and imagines that things will change if they can find someone who wants their idealized vision. Or maybe they’ve learned from past relationships what doesn’t work, so they’re trying a new tact. Spike isn’t cynical enough to believe that these people are purposely trying to mislead (except when they all claim to have swimmer’s builds and 8” penises), but they are certainly augmenting the bait in hopes of landing a mate who will be their own ideal. Let’s face it, would anyone respond to an ad that said “I like to sit around the house watching reality programs and eating Doritos while I clip my toenails”? Probably not, though Spike believes that to be the reality for most people.

So what Spike suspects is that your girlfriend has been making a conscious effort to be her bestest little self (her idealized vision), but now that she has you firmly entangled in her web her fangs are beginning to show. Now, I’m not saying that she’s been knowingly dishonest with you. It may well be that she learned from previous relationships that her behavior didn’t work, and she may have been making a conscious effort to change. The problem is that she never dealt with the root causes of her impulse to control (and that’s what this is all about: control), and now she’s falling back into the behavior that’s most comfortable and natural for her.

This behavior isn’t unusual. If you study relationships, you’ll see it exists in most to one degree or another (particularly couples with young children). Over time one partner begins to assume more of a parental role, publicly admonishing their partner, critiquing their behavior, speaking to them as if they can’t comprehend complex thoughts. Now Spike is all for infantilization in the bedroom (there’s nothing like some diapers and a good spanking to spice up the evening), but as an every day way of life it’s a problem.

First of all, it’s embarrassing for people around you. While I’m all for seeing my friends publicly humiliated, I don’t want it to be in an icky relationship way. Secondly, it makes the “child” in the relationship feel diminished and inadequate. It’s human nature to grow into the roles we’re given. Give someone more responsibility and they’ll usually rise to the challenge. Show them that you have diminished expectations for them and they’ll start to underwhelm you. Treat your partner like a child and they’ll start acting like one. And the “parent” ends up with all the responsibility and a lethal load of resentment. It seems to Spike that that’s what you’re beginning to see when you say your girlfriend often seems exasperated by you. She’s created the situation by trying to assert control, and now she’s frustrated because she feels like she has the burden of all the responsibility.

My guess would be that the catalyst for her change in behavior is the decision to move in together. Even for lesbians this is a big step, because it means having to share your personal space. If your girlfriend has control issues, she’s probably already worrying about how much closet space you’re going to need for your flannel shirts, and what to do with your extra set of “Xena, Warrior Princess” DVDs.

My advice is to address the problem now, before you move in with her. One evening, after you’ve finished polishing your Harleys, fix a nice pot of chamomile tea, turn off the “The L Word,” and sit her down for a heart-to-heart. Tell her you’ve noticed a shift in the dynamic of your relationship and it concerns you. Avoid accusations, but be honest and specific about how you feel when she does or says certain things. If, as Spike suspects, she’s suffering a relapse into behavior that she was trying to change, she may actually be grateful for the opportunity to discuss her own feelings (because after all, what dyke doesn’t relish the chance to vent ad nauseum about her feelings?). Make sure she knows you’re not attacking her and that you still love her, but make it clear that the situation is untenable for you as is. If necessary, postpone the move for a few months to take off the pressure and see what happens.

Best of luck, Jesse. It just warms Spike’s heart knowing that one more lesbian couple may be nesting together...and that your local Home Depot may be enjoying two more steady customers.

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.