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Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Hey Spike — I’m a 24 year old guy living in the South End. I think your column rocks, dude. I loved what you said about guys who are into art and politics (editor’s note: in the column “The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter”). I keep meeting these boring-ass guys who all they want to talk about is the election and gay marriage and shit, and I’m just like “hello, I’m just trying to get laid here”. Why can’t people just lighten up and enjoy themselves? Life is way too short. I can’t even deal with the whole gay pride parade thing anymore. It’s like all these groups with their issues. It’s depressing. The only part of the whole thing that’s any good is the block party. The rest of it is just boring crap.
Anyway, I just wanted to say hi. I think it would be awesome to hang out with you and go for a drink or something sometime. I know we’d get along great. Let me know if you’re up for it. Laters.
— South End Scott
Dear Sycophantic Suck Up...I mean South End Scott—What a treasure your letter is for Spike. I think I’ll print it out on soft pink paper and put it in a frame in my bathroom...in case I run out of toilet paper.
Not surprisingly, “dude,” I’m afraid you’re projecting your own narrow little world view on what I meant when I wrote, “Now, as I’m sure you can imagine, Spike gets invited to many important events such as theater openings and political fundraisers, yet he always declines. Why? Because he knows that such events tend to attract men who are interested in the arts or politics, and since such men are like Kryptonite to Spike, he avoids them at all costs.”
Let me be clear: while Spike has no desire to associate with people who are interested in the arts or politics (or the environment or social issues or anything else of importance), it does not mean that he doesn’t value them. In fact, Spike is thoroughly grateful that such people exist because it allows him to continue along in his own self-absorbed and selfish ways, knowing that the world may still become a better place, despite his own lack of effort.
Spike knows that if it weren’t for those “boring-ass guys” (and women), he wouldn’t be able to write a column in which he talks about homosexuality and uses words like “fuck” without fear of being arrested. And you, dear Scott, would not be able to openly prance around the South End in your tight little Abercrombie & Fitch tank top, or get all messy drunk every Thursday night at Club Cafe. Perhaps if you tried talking to someone over the age of 30 occasionally, you might find out what gay life was like in the days before Stonewall (and no, Scott, I don’t mean the company that makes preserves in pretty jars; try using the internet for something other than finding sex and look it up).
As for your assertion that life is short, spoken like a true 24-year-old twit who can’t see life beyond his next body wax. As you will discover if you live long enough, life is, in fact, very long, and without the freedoms that you take for granted it would seem even longer. Rather than belittle them, you should get down on your knees every morning (without someone’s belt buckle resting on your forehead for a change) and thank the people who care enough to try to make a difference.
One final thing: your suggestion that we get together for a drink seems to imply you feel there is some level of kinship or likeness between us. Just because you fancy yourself a cynic and affect a laissez-don’t-care pose does not mean that we are alike. Though we may never have met in person, Scott, I’ve certainly met many like you, and here’s the big difference between us: If we were both a plane and it began to go down, you would be among the first to start begging and pleading for a second chance, offering to change your ways if only God would grant you a reprieve. You would spend your last minutes in fear and self-pity. Spike, on the other hand, would order another cocktail, light up a smoke, and prepare to enjoy the rest of the ride. Because I don’t care if I live or die? Hardly. Spike loves life, but he knows that when you love something you have to embrace it fully, both the good and the bad, and so we may as well make the most out of the life we have, however short it may be.
Well, I hate to end on a verb, but it’s time to go embrace me some life.
“Laters, dude!”
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Humor / Politics - With only weeks to go until Election Day, President Bush can no longer sell his war in Iraq. Quitting is out of the question. It’s not like the Ford Taurus where you just shut down the production line. So why not take a page from his father’s playbook and propose 1000 Benchmarks of Light?
What, you may ask, is 1000 Benchmarks of Light? It’s a kinder gentler way of selling the war. Here are just a few:
Benchmark # 1: The Mosul Starbucks is able to serve two Banana Mocha Frappuccinos before being fire bombed.
Benchmark # 37: Abu Ghraib Prison’s electro-torture facility switches to solar power.
Benchmark # 87: Donald Rumsfeld’s plane takes off from Baghdad International Airport without being fired upon -- by disgruntled American soldiers.
Benchmark # 159: U.S. Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad successfully gets through airport security without being stripped searched.
Benchmark # 289: Weapons and ammunition are even easier to acquire since the opening of the Fallujah Wal-Mart.
Benchmark # 415: President Bush’s daughters Jenna and Barbara are the first guests to stay at Club Med: Green Zone.
Benchmark # 578: Rush Limbaugh places first order of discount Viagra from Sadr City’s House of Erectile Dysfunction.
Benchmark # 745: Ryan Seacrest hosts “Iranian Idol.” Only three semifinalists are shot.
Benchmark # 923: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki publicly announce their engagement after meeting on Match.com.
Benchmark # 1000: President Bush greets incoming President Nancy Pelosi and says, “I’m outta here.”
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Music - Guest contributor, James Isaacs
Bill Evans is, to me, one of the greatest musicians this country has ever produced, Regardless of genre.
Listen first and foremost to the four albums he made between 1959 and 1961 with his brilliant trio (Scott La Faro, bass, and Paul Motian, drums). Then go to his solo piano disc for Verve, CONVERSATIONS WITH MYSELF (from '63), on which he's overdubbed twice, giving the listener the illusion that he or she is listening to Bill in triplicate. Oh, and there's UNDERCURRENT (1962), a series of duets with kindred spirit Jim Hall on guitar, originally made for United Artists and now available on Blue Note.
Keep listening and you'll be repeatedly rewarded.
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike Sez — I read your advice on naming children and thought it seemed pretty sensible, so I figured I’d give you a shot with another child-related question. My husband, Jeff, and I are both in our early 30s and we have a 3-year-old daughter. We both work full time, and have a nanny who looks after Chloe during the day. From what the nanny tells us, Chloe is perfectly behaved all day long, but once nanny is gone it’s a different story. Until a few months ago, Chloe was an absolute angel, but now she’s constantly arguing and pushing to see how much she can get away with and it’s causing us a lot of stress. I find myself giving in to her more often than not just to keep some harmony in the house and give us a chance to actually bond with her. Jeff thinks that it’s a mistake to “cave,” but I’m worried that if all the time we spend with her is adversarial she’ll grow to resent and hate us. I already feel guilty because I’m at work all day. Any thoughts?
— Justine, Boston
Dear Justine — What exactly do you and your friends with children discuss while you sit in the park on Saturday mornings sipping lattes? The latest episode of "Dancing with the Stars?"
It seems to Spike like this is a pretty clear case of the “terrible twos” (though you may want to have Chloe checked by a doctor since she seems to be a little behind the curve). It’s perfectly normal for children at a certain point to start asserting themselves and testing boundaries. I’d be far more concerned if Chloe went along with everything you said without questionning it...because then she might grow up to be a conservative Christian.
Sorry, but Spike has to side with your hubby on this one. I certainly understand your wish for domestic tranquility and to form a strong relationship with Chloe, but it can’t be at the cost of making it clear who’s the parent. Children can sense equivocation and will turn on you like a fat girl on a pork chop at the first sign of it. Chloe probably already senses your existing guilt and now she’s trying to exploit it.
But you have to remember that, when all is said and done, your most important job as a parent is to provide guidance. Despite what you may believe, children like ground rules. Because their brains and emotions aren’t fully developed yet, they need clear boundaries. It makes them feel more secure, and it’s your job to create and enforce those boundaries. The reason your nanny doesn’t have any problems is probably that she already understands that.
You need to stop worrying about whether Chloe is happy about all your decisions and stand your ground. Just think of it this way: maybe little Chloe only wants to eat marshmallow peeps all the time, but if you continually give in to her to keep the peace she’s going to end up being hoisted out of her house by a crane some day when her vital organs shut down, sobbing through her toothless mouth as she’s lowered onto the flatbed ambulance. It’s your job to make sure that doesn’t happen whether she likes it or not. Besides, regardless of how much you try to appease her, she’s still going to resent and hate you some day, and your lack of clear authority will only give her one more reason.
I do hope that was helpful, Justine, but now it's time for Spike’s massage and one mustn’t keep Gunther waiting!
Ciao, babe.
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Culture - It's that time of the year when the studios start pushing the new crop of horror movies into the theaters and video stores to capitalize on the increased interest in fright around Halloween. I haven't seen any of the new movies, but I do have a few suggestions for things to rent rather than the perennial standbys like "Halloween," "Friday the 13th," and "A Nightmare on Elm Street" (not that there's anything wrong with those flicks).
ZOMBIE FLICKS
"28 Days Later" (2002) — Director Danny Boyle ("Trainspotting") created this gem which ushered in the new breed of faster, more agile zombies. The premise is simple: our hero, Jim (Cillian Murphy), wakes from a coma to find that England has been quarantined because of an outbreak of biologically induced zombie-ism. Banding together with the few other humans he can find (Naomi Harris and Brendan Gleason are the standouts), he sets out to try and find the remains of civilization.
The jittery film style and quick cuts may induce nausea in some, but this is truly a creepy movie. The acting is excellent, the zombies are actually scary, and it's thematically rich. It also does a tremendous job of evoking the aftermath of an apocalypse.
"Severed: Forest of the Dead" (2006): The premise of this little indie sounds kind of silly—a forestry company genetically enhances their trees, unaware that the sap can turn humans into flesh-eating zombies—but it's suprisingly effective. The remote, isolated setting ratchets up the tension and the conflicts between the characters as they fight for survival adds a nice level of believability. No one is going to win an Academy Award for their performance, but overall the acting is also quite good.
"Resident Evil: Apocalypse" (2004): I didn't like the original, but the sequel was pretty enjoyable. Sure, the characters are pretty stock, and there aren't many genuine scares, but Milla Jovavich's kiss-ass heroine keeps it all together. I actually found myself looking forward to the inevitable sequel when it was done.
"Shaun of the Dead" (2005): This British indie is as much a satirical look at modern society as a zombie flick (as were the original "Night of the Living Dead" and "Dawn of the Dead). It's not quite right to say that it's a spoof, but it's certainly a humorous take on the genre. It won't scare you, but it's witty, inventive, and good fun.
SLASHER/SERIAL KILLERS
"Rest Stop" (2006): This little bit of nasty was never released to theaters and just came out on DVD. If you don't have a strong stomach for gore (or creepy dwarfs or Joey Lawrence), you should probably avoid it, but what makes this one work is that the mostly unseen killer is content for the first 2/3 of the movie just to torment our heroine pyschologically. The movie has an effective setting and the acting is pretty good. Joey Lawrence actually has a surprisingly good scene. This one doesn't break any creative ground and there are some characters who clearly exist only to be creepy, but it was still a good thrill ride. Also be sure to check out the bonus material segment, "Scotty's Blog." Very odd but enjoyable.
"Wolf Creek" (2006): This Australian indie is similar to "Rest Stop" in some ways (remote locale, unseen baddie driving a truck), but once the characters are taken prisoner there are some nice, unexpected twists on the usual formula. What really sets it apart, however, is the quality of the acting. No one acts as though they're in a horror movie.
"Hostel" (2006): This is definitely not for the sqeamish. The torture and dismemberment are needlessly graphic, but the premise makes it worthwhile. Just be prepared to watch parts of it through your fingers.
MONSTERS
"Feast" (2006): This movie was the product of the final season of Bravo's "Project Greenlight" reality series and one of the films that the Weinstein brothers decided to take with them when they left Miramax. The setting and the characters are stock and the monsters are kind of hokey until the end, but director John Gulager and the writers are clearly clued into those facts and have a good time playing with them. The acting is very good (perhaps Krista Allen's finest work), the script is witty, and the gore is humorously over-the-top. Again, you might not be scared, but you'll definitely be entertained.
Humor - Possibly true facts possibly found on the Internet:
• Mel Gibson has paid a team of scientists in Argentina to develop a method for reversing circumcisions.
• If the CBS Evening News does not improve its ratings by the first of the year, the network will replace Katie Couric with hand puppets.
• Forbes magazine’s list of richest people includes three men who are receiving food stamps.
• Forty percent of American school children cannot find a map in a glove compartment.
• Amazon.com plans to start selling graffiti.
• Scientists have discovered a 194-pound meteorite stuck between two of Dennis Hastert’s chins.
• Seven out of ten team mascots are receiving some form of counseling.
• Starting in 2012, they will make them like they used to.
• Quality Inn plans to convert half of its motels into for-profit prisons.
• To restore his good name, former Rep. Mark Foley plans to raise money for charity by walking across the country in his jockey shorts.
• Wal-Mart does not allow anyone under 21 in its condom fitting rooms.
• Only friends of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad are allowed to call him Larry.
• The 2003 Farmers' Almanac predicted Paul and Heather McCartney’s marriage would be stormy.
• Over half of the animals on Animal Planet are actually unusually hairy human actors.
• If Rep. Katherine Harris (R-FL) loses her senate race she will challenge Starr Jones to a series of wrestling matches.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I’m a 40-year-old man. I have a good professional career, I’m financially stable, I’m cultured, I have a lot of varied interests, I’m outgoing and personable, and I’m told that I’m goodlooking...yet I can’t seem to find a man. I’ve tried the internet (manhunt.net and craigslist), but all the guys on there seem interested only in one night (or one hour) stands. I’m looking for a meaningful relationship. What am I doing wrong?
— Perplexed in Peabody
Dear Perplexed — First of all, have you considered moving out of Peabody? I mean, really, who in their right mind would want to date somebody from Peabody?
Your unfortunate location aside, I have to say that this is the most common question asked of Spike, and each time it mystifies me. If Spike were to decide that he wanted to catch a great white shark, he’d go to the Great Barrier Reef where they are plentiful. If he wanted to shoot a lion, he’d go to Africa or the local zoo. In other words, Perplexed, have you considered that maybe you’re fishing/hunting in the wrong place?
Although Spike has never needed to resort to the internet to find companionship, I do have acquaintances who have, and from what they tell me, the sites you mentioned are primarily hook-up sites. That’s not to say that you couldn’t possibly meet someone suitable there, but the likelihood of finding someone else looking for a “meaningful relationship” on a website whose tagline is “Get on. Get off.” isn’t great. If you’re really set on finding a man on the internet (in hopes that he’ll be so charmed by your chat skills that he won’t even notice the hump on your back when you finally meet), at the very least you should try a site that’s geared more for dating.
Even so, searching for a mate on the internet can be tricky. You mentioned that you’re a cultured man, so let’s just say that you have an interest in art. Just because someone’s profile says they like art doesn’t mean it’s true. It may just mean that they went on a trip to a museum in 8th grade and didn’t hate it. It would seem to me that if you really wanted to meet someone else who was interested in art you might try frequenting museums and galleries, or take an art history class. That way you would meet men who are actually demonstrating a shared interest (unless they’re with their elderly mother, in which case they’re just demonstrating that they want to stay in her will).
Now, as I’m sure you can imagine, Spike gets invited to many important events such as theater openings and political fundraisers, yet he always declines. Why? Because he knows that such events tend to attract men who are interested in the arts or politics, and since such men are like Kryptonite to Spike, he avoids them at all costs. Instead, Spike frequents bars and lounges where he is most likely to meet other men who share his true passions: liquor and poor lighting.
It’s really very simple, Perplexed. If you want to find a suitable companion with shared interests, actively pursue your interests and keep your eyes open for opportunity. Even if you never meet a man, at least you’ll enjoy what you’re doing. And that will make life much happier for you and your twelve cats in your little hovel in Peabody.
Ta ta for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Humor / Music - No one knows what Adam and Eve’s tastes were when it came to music, but they were probably the first of continuous generations to proclaim, “They don’t play tunes like they used to.” Rap and most contemporary music created in the past 25 years aside, “they” will always play tunes like they used to -- sometimes even better.
As proof, consider “Moments to Remember,” a minor hit in the fifties by the Four Lads. It was written by the team of songwriter Robert Allen and lyricist Al Stillman. They were no slouches, having composed numerous hits like “Home for the Holidays,” “It's Not for Me to Say," and "Chances Are.”
But the second line of “Moments to Remember” displays a darker side of Stillman that he should have carried to his grave.
The New Year's Eve we did the town
The day we tore the goal post down
We'll have these moments to remember
Tore the goal post down? That’s pretty violent stuff, particularly coming from the team that wrote “Candy Bar Boogie” and “How D'ya Do Do Do.”
It also makes you wonder what other dark thoughts came to Stillman before settling on “The day we tore the goal post down.” Perhaps:
The New Year's Eve we did the town
The night dad wore a low-cut gown
We'll have these moments to remember
Or maybe:
The New Year's Eve we did the town
The night we ran the sheriff down
We'll have these moments to remember
Or, God forbid, even:
The New Year's Eve we did the town
The day we molested a circus clown
We'll have these moments to remember
We will never know how such a vicious image found its way into this innocent tune, but you have to question Allen and Stillman’s judgment. Even on their worst days, George and Ira Gershwin would’ve had the good sense to go with “I got rhythm” instead of “I got to tear the goal post down.”
Do you still believe they don’t write them like they used to? The next time a noise emanating from your radio causes you to look back wistfully to an era when every song touched you in a profound way, close your eyes and imagine: a hysterical stadium crowd charging onto a football field and destroying a perfectly good goal post.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Humor / Politics - Okay, it hasn’t been the best week for Congressman Mark Foley. But a good hard look at his situation would indicate it hasn’t been a total disaster. After all, he certainly is not the first politician who has had to deal with: being accused of sending inappropriate e-mails and instant messages to underage boys, entering an alcohol treatment program, announcing he's gay, and announcing he'd been molested by clergymen as a youth.
Well, maybe he is the first to hit the quadfecta, but it doesn’t mean all is lost. After all, this is America, and in America a person is innocent until destroyed by the media -- after which they can be resurrected by the media.
While spending his time in rehab dashing off sexually-suggestive apology notes to hot young studs, Foley should also consider his path to redemption. Here are some suggestions.
First stop: Oprah. All salvation tours begin with the Big O. There is a temptation to go low key and confess to a lesser talk show host. But do you want to risk Jerry Springer springing Todd, your former Palm Springs playmate on you?
Switch to the Democratic Party. Nancy Pelosi won’t be thrilled, but it beats the embarrassment of being left out of Rick Santorum’s naked swim parties. If you can’t bring yourself to leaving the Republican Party, move as far to the right as possible. Join the NRA and start a chapter of Homos for Howitzers. Or, propose a school voucher plan for Pentecostal female celebrity impersonator academies.
If you remain a Republican, become a Fox News contributor. Sean Hannity will love favorably comparing you to Gerry Studds, Bill Clinton, and Adolf Eichmann.
Move to West Hollywood. It’s important to surround yourself with a supportive community that can relate to your exercise and grooming habits.
And the most important thing: Write a tell-all confessional book. Make sure it includes plenty of juicy interludes and a final chapter about finding Jesus and your new -- and legal -- partner Mark. Note: It’s better to introduce the book on “The View” -- they have fewer fact checkers than Oprah.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
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