Mark Foley, Chapter Two
Humor / Politics - Okay, it hasn’t been the best week for Congressman Mark Foley. But a good hard look at his situation would indicate it hasn’t been a total disaster. After all, he certainly is not the first politician who has had to deal with: being accused of sending inappropriate e-mails and instant messages to underage boys, entering an alcohol treatment program, announcing he's gay, and announcing he'd been molested by clergymen as a youth.
Well, maybe he is the first to hit the quadfecta, but it doesn’t mean all is lost. After all, this is America, and in America a person is innocent until destroyed by the media -- after which they can be resurrected by the media.
While spending his time in rehab dashing off sexually-suggestive apology notes to hot young studs, Foley should also consider his path to redemption. Here are some suggestions.
First stop: Oprah. All salvation tours begin with the Big O. There is a temptation to go low key and confess to a lesser talk show host. But do you want to risk Jerry Springer springing Todd, your former Palm Springs playmate on you?
Switch to the Democratic Party. Nancy Pelosi won’t be thrilled, but it beats the embarrassment of being left out of Rick Santorum’s naked swim parties. If you can’t bring yourself to leaving the Republican Party, move as far to the right as possible. Join the NRA and start a chapter of Homos for Howitzers. Or, propose a school voucher plan for Pentecostal female celebrity impersonator academies.
If you remain a Republican, become a Fox News contributor. Sean Hannity will love favorably comparing you to Gerry Studds, Bill Clinton, and Adolf Eichmann.
Move to West Hollywood. It’s important to surround yourself with a supportive community that can relate to your exercise and grooming habits.
And the most important thing: Write a tell-all confessional book. Make sure it includes plenty of juicy interludes and a final chapter about finding Jesus and your new -- and legal -- partner Mark. Note: It’s better to introduce the book on “The View” -- they have fewer fact checkers than Oprah.
