The Case of the Equivocating Mommy
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike Sez — I read your advice on naming children and thought it seemed pretty sensible, so I figured I’d give you a shot with another child-related question. My husband, Jeff, and I are both in our early 30s and we have a 3-year-old daughter. We both work full time, and have a nanny who looks after Chloe during the day. From what the nanny tells us, Chloe is perfectly behaved all day long, but once nanny is gone it’s a different story. Until a few months ago, Chloe was an absolute angel, but now she’s constantly arguing and pushing to see how much she can get away with and it’s causing us a lot of stress. I find myself giving in to her more often than not just to keep some harmony in the house and give us a chance to actually bond with her. Jeff thinks that it’s a mistake to “cave,” but I’m worried that if all the time we spend with her is adversarial she’ll grow to resent and hate us. I already feel guilty because I’m at work all day. Any thoughts?
— Justine, Boston
Dear Justine — What exactly do you and your friends with children discuss while you sit in the park on Saturday mornings sipping lattes? The latest episode of "Dancing with the Stars?"
It seems to Spike like this is a pretty clear case of the “terrible twos” (though you may want to have Chloe checked by a doctor since she seems to be a little behind the curve). It’s perfectly normal for children at a certain point to start asserting themselves and testing boundaries. I’d be far more concerned if Chloe went along with everything you said without questionning it...because then she might grow up to be a conservative Christian.
Sorry, but Spike has to side with your hubby on this one. I certainly understand your wish for domestic tranquility and to form a strong relationship with Chloe, but it can’t be at the cost of making it clear who’s the parent. Children can sense equivocation and will turn on you like a fat girl on a pork chop at the first sign of it. Chloe probably already senses your existing guilt and now she’s trying to exploit it.
But you have to remember that, when all is said and done, your most important job as a parent is to provide guidance. Despite what you may believe, children like ground rules. Because their brains and emotions aren’t fully developed yet, they need clear boundaries. It makes them feel more secure, and it’s your job to create and enforce those boundaries. The reason your nanny doesn’t have any problems is probably that she already understands that.
You need to stop worrying about whether Chloe is happy about all your decisions and stand your ground. Just think of it this way: maybe little Chloe only wants to eat marshmallow peeps all the time, but if you continually give in to her to keep the peace she’s going to end up being hoisted out of her house by a crane some day when her vital organs shut down, sobbing through her toothless mouth as she’s lowered onto the flatbed ambulance. It’s your job to make sure that doesn’t happen whether she likes it or not. Besides, regardless of how much you try to appease her, she’s still going to resent and hate you some day, and your lack of clear authority will only give her one more reason.
I do hope that was helpful, Justine, but now it's time for Spike’s massage and one mustn’t keep Gunther waiting!
Ciao, babe.
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
