Your unfortunate location aside, I have to say that this is the most common question asked of Spike, and each time it mystifies me. If Spike were to decide that he wanted to catch a great white shark, he’d go to the Great Barrier Reef where they are plentiful. If he wanted to shoot a lion, he’d go to Africa or the local zoo. In other words, Perplexed, have you considered that maybe you’re fishing/hunting in the wrong place?

Although Spike has never needed to resort to the internet to find companionship, I do have acquaintances who have, and from what they tell me, the sites you mentioned are primarily hook-up sites. That’s not to say that you couldn’t possibly meet someone suitable there, but the likelihood of finding someone else looking for a “meaningful relationship” on a website whose tagline is “Get on. Get off.” isn’t great. If you’re really set on finding a man on the internet (in hopes that he’ll be so charmed by your chat skills that he won’t even notice the hump on your back when you finally meet), at the very least you should try a site that’s geared more for dating.

Even so, searching for a mate on the internet can be tricky. You mentioned that you’re a cultured man, so let’s just say that you have an interest in art. Just because someone’s profile says they like art doesn’t mean it’s true. It may just mean that they went on a trip to a museum in 8th grade and didn’t hate it. It would seem to me that if you really wanted to meet someone else who was interested in art you might try frequenting museums and galleries, or take an art history class. That way you would meet men who are actually demonstrating a shared interest (unless they’re with their elderly mother, in which case they’re just demonstrating that they want to stay in her will).

Now, as I’m sure you can imagine, Spike gets invited to many important events such as theater openings and political fundraisers, yet he always declines. Why? Because he knows that such events tend to attract men who are interested in the arts or politics, and since such men are like Kryptonite to Spike, he avoids them at all costs. Instead, Spike frequents bars and lounges where he is most likely to meet other men who share his true passions: liquor and poor lighting.

It’s really very simple, Perplexed. If you want to find a suitable companion with shared interests, actively pursue your interests and keep your eyes open for opportunity. Even if you never meet a man, at least you’ll enjoy what you’re doing. And that will make life much happier for you and your twelve cats in your little hovel in Peabody.

Ta ta for now,
Spike

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