Anyway, to address your questions, Spike must admit that the first time he perused personal ads back in the early '80s (for research purposes only, of course) he didn’t understand a lot of the abbreviations either...and now sex has gotten so much more complicated...so don’t be embarrassed by your ignorance.

Let me see if I can help without thoroughly revolting our more conservative readers.

• LTR = Long Term Relationship (which generally translates to about 2 weeks in gay male lingo)
• HWP = Height-Weight Proportional; in other words, no tubbies...though 6’ 2” and 130# is usually fine, for some reason. Go figure.
• CBT = How do I put this delicately? Let’s just say that if you respond to one of these ads you should be prepared to apply some ice to the family jewels afterward. (Hint: The T stands for torture).
• FF = Just avoid these ads for now, Kyle. Definitely not for beginners and you probably don’t want to start wearing Depends at your age or have to visit the emergency room to have someone’s Rolex removed from your rectum.
• FB = F#!*%k Buddy; basically just regularly scheduled sexual encounters without strings attached...usually while the other person’s significant other is at work.
• FWB = Friends With Benefits; similar to the above, but you may actually talk for a few minutes or get a beer together occasionally.
• TT = Similar to CBT, but think nipple clamps.
• PNP = Party ‘n’ Play; unless you enjoy smoking crystal meth and spending hours unsuccessfully trying to get it up, don’t go here.
• 420 = Smoking pot. For some odd reason, 4:20 pm is the internationally recognized time to toke up. Weirdo potheads. At least we lushes start at the top of the hour.
• BB = Bare-Backing...as in, no condoms...as in, “please, sir, may I have some more HIV?”
• Felching = Again, just avoid these ads for now...and don’t EVER ask your moher what this means...because if she knows you’ll never look at her or your father the same way again..
• Bukkake = Kind of like going to Elizabeth Grady for a facial, only the cream being used is more “organic.”
• Snowballing = Imagine you have a piece of gum in your mouth and you keep passing it back and forth with another guy using your tongues. Okay, now imagine that the gum was secreted out of one of your bodies. Get the picture?
• Skiing = Doing cocaine; pretty much any reference to winter sports or snow (except in the previous listing) is code for cocaine.

I hope that helps you with your immediate decoding problem, Kyle. Now let’s get to the bigger issue.

With the advent of personal ads on the Internet, finding sex has become as easy as ordering take-out. Just browse the menu for what you want, fire off an email (or twelve), and wait for your order to arrive. The problem for you, as I see it, is that you don’t really know what you want yet in terms of sexual specifics and you’re looking at the personal ads as a way to try on some different shoes without necessarily buying them (Spike is a metaphor machine this morning).

There are a few flaws in your approach:

First of all, with personal ads you never really know what you’re getting until it shows up at your door. People lie. And with your inexperience, how are you going to handle it if the guy who shows up isn’t what you were expecting? Will you feel comfortable telling him that you’ve changed your mind?

Secondly, there’s good sex and there’s bad sex. Spike’s first sexual encounter with a man was not good. Though he’d known the man for a while first, and liked him well enough as a person, Spike didn’t really feel any physical attraction to the guy. Spike had sex with him because he wanted to see what the fuss was all about. What Spike discovered was that without attraction, sex pretty much sucks. But that didn’t mean that Spike decided he must have been wrong about digging on dudes, and you shouldn’t base your “decision” about what you like sexually on a single (or a few) random encounter either.

The biggest issue Spike sees, however, is that you’re approaching sex like it’s just...well, sex. But that’s not really the case. At its best, sex can be an expression of love and affection. That’s something you’re not going to experience with a hook-up, and often times our first sexual encounters set the precedent for all that follow. If you want to experiment, great, but why not find someone you actually like first and then do some experimenting with him?

Spike isn’t condemning random sexual encounters. They can be fine. They can even be mind-blowing and thrilling and spice up a hum-drum sex life. But you don’t have a hum-drum sex life, Kyle. In fact, it doesn’t sound like you have any sex life at all. Spike doesn’t think that random sex is the right way to go for you to go at this point.

I know that sounds like a pretty old-fashioned idea in these days of instant gratification, but Spike thinks that ultimately you’ll find it a lot more gratifying. Then later, once you’ve become jaded and bitter, you can have all the random, meaningless hook-ups you want.

Best of luck, Kyle. TTFN (that’s "Ta Ta For Now" in e-speak).
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.