Toiling for the Toll-Free Man
Humor - A recent AP story by Anne D'innocenzio reports that Wal-Mart, the company only Ebenezer Scrooge (before visits by Christmas Past, Present, and Future) could love, is changing its tardiness policy. All employees must now call an 800 number -- instead of calling their supervisor -- when notifying the company they will be late for work.
The story quotes Wal-Mart spokesman John Simley as saying: “We are formalizing and enforcing the policy to ensure greater consistency and to minimize subjectivity.”
Minimize subjectivity? Since when has an excuse for being late supposed to be subjective? The art of a good excuse is being able to sound like you are waiting for AAA to fix your flat tire -- while lying in bed nursing a hangover.
But that is beside the point. I can only imagine what choices the company will offer its overdue associates.
Level one:
Thank you for calling the Wal-Mart Automated Tardiness System.Press one if you speak English
For everyone else, press two.
Level two:
Why aren't you at work?Press one if you are goofing off at an emergency hospital room while doctors attempt desperately to revive a loved one. (Select)
Press two if you have chosen to let our company and your associates down by driving your elderly mother to a local food pantry.
Press three if you are hiding from INS agents.
Level three:
Why are you wasting time hanging around an emergency room when you could be at work stacking toilet paper?Press one if a priest is administering last rights to a loved one. (Select)
Press two if you are waiting to hear about an organ transplant donor.
Press three if you fainted after finding out that Wal-Mart’s health plan won’t cover even the price of a bed pan.
Level four:
After the priest has finished, when can we expect to see you at work?Press one if you plan to waste more time consoling family members.
Press two if you plan to drop family members off at our Wal-Mart Grieving Kiosk (located in Aisle 3) before finishing your shift.
Press three if you can make it to work within an hour, thus qualifying for a five percent discount on a Wal-Mart casket (discontinued models only).
