Anyway, to the question of whether your observation is correct, the answer is a resounding “YES!” In fact, in all of Spike’s countless hours spent in bars and clubs, he can recall witnessing (or participating in) only two incidents of physical confrontation between gay men. Hang out with a group of drunk dykes for more than an hour or two, on the other hand, and someone’s going to lose an eye or a clump of hair.

Why is this? First of all, Spike thinks your comment that women are supposed to be the “gentler sex” is naive and sexist. While studies may show that women are more nurturing than men, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re more gentle. That’s just an act they’ve perfected over centuries. The fact is that in nature, females are often the more aggressive of the species. Think of lionesses protecting their cubs while the males nap, or female praying mantises biting the heads off their mates once they’re done using them for sex. The outward gentleness in women is learned behavior from living in male-dominated cultures. When push comes to shove, they are far more fierce and tenacious than we are.

So why does Spike think that lesbians are more prone to verbal and physical altercations in bars? After exhaustive research into the subject, I’ve come up with several theories:

1) They just can’t hold ther liquor
Let’s face it, liquor is more than a social lubricant. It’s also a lubricant for all sorts of bad behavior because it frees us of our inhibitions (like say, our inhibitions against clubbing our ex-girlfriend who left us for her high school gym teacher, or revealing that we’re sexist anti-Semites when we get pulled over on the Pacific Coast Highway).

2) They’re already on edge because they know they’re going to have to leave a tip
Everyone knows how tight dykes are when it comes to money. Imagine the seething resentment that must build up inside of them as they order round after round of malt liquor, knowing that not only will they have to go through the ordeal of itemizing the bill at the end of the night to make sure that everyone pays only for what she drank, but that they’ll also have to part with an additional 3–5% for the server! Throw in an ex-flame with a new hottie on her arm and you have a situation just waiting to explode.

3) Women don’t like other women
Now Spike knows that some will be offended by this idea, but sometimes the truth just hurts, so get over it. Lately Spike has had the misfortune of spending time around a group of preteen girls as he waits for his ballet classes on Thursday night. Aside from the catty comments they make about girls in the other classes as they watch them through the windows, there seems to be no end to the subtle (and sometimes overt) ways that these little princesses work to belittle one another. At a very early age they’ve developed a desire and the ability to find and exploit the weakness in other girls in order to deal with their own insecurities. Spike would actually admire their creativity if it weren’t so evil and subversive. (By the way, the movie “Mean Girls” does a great job of examining the intracies of this kind of “girl-on-girl crime,” as well as being very funny).

As little girls grow into women, the belittling and gameswomanship seem to evolve into general distrust and an inclination to anticipate the worst of strange females who enter their territory. All it takes is for an insecure dyke with a few drinks under her belt to think she’s caught the scent of a little flirtation or attraction between a stranger and her mate and she’s ready to throw down.

4) When women love they take it much more personally than we do
Let’s face it, we gay men are all just whores. We flit from from one romance to another without looking back (unless it's for a hook-up with an ex behind the back of our current). But from what Spike can tell, women (gay, straight or otherwise) actually take this relationship stuff seriously, and have a hard time letting go of failed ones. Once they’ve given over their hearts to—or joined hearts with—someone else, they always feel a sense of connection. This undying connectedness can be a beautiful thing, but it can also turn toxic when the other person decides she no longer wants to be connected, or connects with someone new. It makes sense that if you love harder and deeper, it’s going to be much harder to disconnect when it’s over. This inability to let go, coupled with the sense of helplessness that always comes with getting dumped, can fester. Hurt at the loss turns to burning embers of anger and bitterness toward the other person. Add alcohol and you have combustion.

5) Women just have an easier time expressing their emotions
When gay men see their exes out on the town with new beaus, the protocol is to give a frozen smile to show the world it doesn’t bother us, buy another cocktail, and tell anyone within earshot that we broke up with the guy because he had a tiny penis. Internally it may eat away at our self-esteem and cause us to plot revenge fantasies, but outwardly we try to put on a brave face. Essentially we’re doing the gay version of being a man: keeping our emotions bottled up and not letting anyone know it bothers us.

Women, on the other hand, are traditionally allowed, even expected, to express their emotions. They can cry openly at sad movies, or express joy when someone does something unexpectedly nice for them. And because they use them more often, they have more immediate access their emotions...or perhaps their emotions have more immediate access to them. Whichever, instead of censoring themselves like we might, they just let their feelings fly. It’s actually a very healthy thing in theory, but when alcohol is amplifying the feelings it can get a little messy.

So those are Spike’s theories about what’s going on, Malcolm. I hope that was helpful, even though Spike suspects you were just being a bitchy little queen by drawing attention to the phenomenon. And now, since Spike has a tremendous tolerance for alcohol, is extremely generous, loves other men, opens his heart to no one, and keeps his emotions safely bottled up inside where they belong, he thinks he’ll go have a cocktail.

Ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.