|
« November 2006 |
Main
| January 2007 »
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I’m a 15-year-old lesbian. I came out to my family (my parents, my brothers and sister and my grandmother) over Thanksgiving. It went really well and everyone was really supportive. Basically the message was that they already suspected and were okay with it. It was really cool.
Since then, though, it seems like they’ve grown less accepting. I really want to make sure they’re comfortable with my sexuality and realize I’m still the same person I always was, so I try to discuss it with them whenever I have the chance. But now it’s like whenever I bring it up they try to change the subject or just drift away. How do I get them to talk about their feelings about me being a lesbian?
— Karen, Worcester, MA
Dear Karen — Do you mean to tell me that your family isn’t endlessly fascinated in listening to you prattle on about your dykeness? Surely you must be........... oh sorry, Spike drifted off there for a minute.
First of all, Karen, Spike applauds you for knowing yourself so well at such a tender age and for being comfortable enough with your sexuality to want to share it with others. But the thing is, just because it’s probably the most important thing in your life right now doesn’t mean it is—or should have to be—the most important thing for everyone else around you. Of course it’s natural that coming out is a major deal for you, but maybe it’s not such a big deal for your family, especially since you indicated that everyone already seemed to have suspected. What you’re interpreting as a growing lack of acceptance may simply be boredom with the subject.
Now, you say that you want your family to be comfortable and realize that you’re still the same person you always were. Giving you the benefit of the doubt, Spike assumes that before you tasted from the cup of Sappho you had a variety of other interests...like the LPGA, and playing field hockey, and watching “Ellen.” Presumably, the person you were before didn’t try to steer every conversation around to her sexuality (otherwise there would have been no need for you to come out). Essentially you are not being the same person you were before because you won’t shut the fuck up about being a dyke. Your family may be more than willing to accept you as the person you always were, but you won’t let them.
Not to be too harsh on you, my little lesbo, but it’s actually quite selfish to insist that everyone else adhere to your agenda. And what’s worse, by constantly harping on your sexuality you’re defining yourself by it. Sexuality should just be a part of who you are, not all of it. I mean, how boring would Spike be if the whole of his being were his queerness? His drinking and smoking and promiscuity add nuance, color and texture to the wonderful fabric that is Spike.
So Spike suggests that you stop trying to cram your sexuality down your family’s throats, so to speak. Try to remember what you talked about before you realized you like muff and discuss those things occasionally. Once you start acting like your whole self again—instead of some truncated, fixated lesbian version of yourself—you’ll be able to gauge more accurately how comfortable your family is with you. Then if you think there are problems, you can bring them up. If not, you’ll just have to accept the disappointment that your love of carpet isn’t that big a deal to your family.
Munch on, Karen!
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance between characters in this strip and actual persons living or dead is unintentional. No actual cats were harmed in the making of this strip.
Humor - Donald Trump’s recent dustup with Rosie O’Donnell once again shows that no matter how rich he is, he is still the loser everyone remembers from high school. This is the guy you couldn’t bring yourself to hate because you felt bad for him. This is the guy who couldn’t get a date to the junior prom, even with the help of "my father's bitchin wheels." And no matter how financially successful he became, you always assumed the hot the woman he brought to the class reunion was his cousin or a hooker -- or both.
His part-ownership of the Miss Universe Organization is his latest attempt at being one of the cool guys. Watching him come to the rescue of Miss USA Tara Conner only brings back images of a snotty teenage Trump desperately hoping the guys will like him -- as they stuff his head into a gym toilet.
If the Donald wants to trade his self humiliation for self respect, he needs to grow up and impress us (well okay, me) with a newfound maturity. Here are a few ways he can achieve that.
• Donald Trump’s Ms. Magazine
• Donald Trumps best-selling book on relationships: “Donald Trump is from Mars, Women are from Venus”
• Donald Trump Senior Badminton Circuit
• Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell’s Gay Getaway Cruises
• Donald Trump’s 100 percent undetectable hair pieces
• “Donald Trump and Bea Arthur’s Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex”
• One night Only: Bette Midler and Barry Manilow reunited at Donald Trump’s Atlantic City Bath House
• Today on "Dr. Phil": Donald Trump talks about wetting his bed
• Theater critics agree: “Donald Trump is Quentin Crisp!”
• Join Donald Trump and other men for a spiritual weekend of evoking deep emotions, chanting and drumming, and herbal colonics.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I’ve been dating a really great guy for 3 months. We’re at that stage now where things have definitely moved beyond casual dating but aren’t yet into the “partner zone.” I’m having a really hard time figuring out what to get him for Christmas. If I get him something like nice silver candlesticks that seems kind of impersonal, but if I get him a ring or something like that then he might get scared and think I’m trying to push things to the next level too soon. What’s the perfect gift to give a guy that says I really like you and care about you but I’m not trying to pressure you to marry me? By the way, we’re both in our mid-30s, if that helps.
— James, Northampton, MA
Dear James — You really want to show this guy that you like and care about him? How about listening to him and taking an interest in his life for starters? Silver candlesticks? Good God! Unless this guy collects candles or thinks he’s the Phantom of the Opera that’s about the lamest gift for a boyfriend that Spike has ever heard. You may as well just get him a gift certificate to Manhunt or Match.com because he’s going to be looking for a new boyfriend soon anyway.
Spike is mystified by the inability of people to choose suitable gifts for their significant others. How wrapped up in your own self do you have to be not to take notice of things that your boyfriend might like or need? Presumably, after 3 months you share some conversation beyond “oh yeah, stick it all the way in.” Has he never mentioned anything that made you think, “I have to remember that because that would be a great gift for Christmas?”
When it comes to people at the office or your elderly aunt, fruit baskets and pot pourri are fine gifts. You don’t really want to know too much about these people anyway, so it’s okay to give a token gift that says, “I’m thinking of you...but not very much.” But for your boyfriend (or girlfriend or husband or wife) you have to give a gift that shows you actually know them. Or perhaps in your case that you WANT to get to know him, since you’ve obviously made no effort up to this point.
I’m not sure what your budgetary constraints are since you didn’t specify whether you actually live in Northampton proper or in a trailer in one of those horrible little areas around the outskirts, but how about giving him a weekend getaway to someplace where the two of you can spend the days wandering through quaint shops together (a great way to learn what sorts of things he likes and doesn’t like) and the evenings talking and getting to know one another better? Or maybe just take him out for dinner someplace quiet and actually listen to what he has to say for a change. Both of these seem like great gifts if you’re serious about being in a relationship with this guy.
And for all you poor souls who find yourself dreading the opening of the presents each year because you just know that your mate is going to give you yet another gift that demonstrates how little they know you, here’s an idea: drop hints...big, loud, unmistakable hints. Start in June and keep it up every chance you get. Sure it’s tacky, but it’s a hell of a lot better than having to find storage space for that Thomas Kinkade collectible snow globe, and if you’re going to be stuck in a sucky relationship at least you should get good presents out of it.
So here’s wishing that everybody gets exactly what they want this holiday season. And if anyone is having trouble finding the perfect gift for Spike this year, don’t bother. If you’re too dumb to go to the liquor store then Spike doesn’t want your damn present.
Happy holidays to one and all,
Spikey Claus
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Politics / Humor - Most folks agree Mitt Romney’s Mormon religion should not exclude him from being president. Still, the big question in the back of many minds is where does he really stand on polygamy? Is he truly against it? Is he just towing the official Mormon party-pooper line? Or is there another reason why he’s never been keen on keeping a bevy of brides?
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike —I have a philosophical question for you: do you think most people are innately good or innately bad? Most of the time I think that most people are bad, but then when a disaster happens they surprise me with their generosity and outpouring of sympathy. What’s your opinion?
—Sarah, Burlington, MA
Dear Sarah (or perhaps Spike should call you Santa for giving him this early Christmas present, since talking about human nature is his fourth favorite thing in the whole world...after drinking, smoking, and working Keat’s ideas about impermanence and the perfection of the ideal in “Ode on a Grecian Urn” into discussions on any possible topic) — The answer is that Spike believes most people are neither innately good nor innately bad. He believes that most people are just stupid.
Now before he explains what he means, Spike wants to clarify the terms good and bad, a bit. In Spike’s mind, good means caring about others. Bad means caring only about oneself at the expense of others. There are more specific goods and bads—like building homes for the homeless, or embezzling billions of dollars from a company and causing thousands to lose their pension plans—but those specifics are motivated by the basic principles of caring for others or caring for oneself.
There are some people who genuinely seem to be good using this definition: they have caring hearts and positive attitudes; they try to make life better for everyone around them. They may not perform charitable works, necessarily, but just being around them makes other people feel good. George Clooney strikes Spike as this sort of person. Aside from the fact that he’s concerned about the environment and the Sudanese, his disposition just seems very sunny. He appears to recognize the fact that he’s been handed the winning lottery ticket and he wants to take everyone else along for the ride. Plus he’s really hot.
On the other hand, there are some people whose outlook on life is consistently negative. These people seem to gravitate toward mid-level management positions where they can tamp down the spirits of their underlings by reacting to each new company policy with gloom and cynicism. We’ve all worked with these people. No matter what happens, they will always find the shit-stained lining. Spike considers these people bad because they spread their negativism and that is a form of selfishness.
But most of us are somewhere in the middle of these extremes (and those of, say, Mother Theresa and Jeffrey Dahmer). At times we feel warmth for our fellow humans, and at other times we only care about getting our own piece of the pie. We’re all motivated by a mix of self-interest and concern for others. That’s just our nature and it works out pretty well with the whole concept of the social contract, so long as we don’t swing too far one way or the other (yes, Spike does think that it’s possible to be too self-sacrificing).
So Spike doesn’t think that the issue is really whether people are good or bad, but rather why we behave the ways we do, and that gets back to the essence of human nature and Spike’s assertion that most people are just stupid. While that may seem harsh, here are 5 concrete examples to prove it:
1) People get angry in traffic jams — Back in the days when Spike had to commute to work, he saw this every day. Inevitably someone would get mad at someone else for pulling in front of them in a traffic jam, and then spend the rest of the ride swearing, honking their horn, and in some cases trying to get back in front of the person who pulled in front of them.
This sort of behavior is stupid on two levels. First of all, traffic jams during rush hour aren’t a surprise, so anyone with common sense would just prepare himself for it mentally and accept the fact that traffic is going to have to merge at various points and people will be pulling in front of him. More importantly, it’s stupid because getting angry serves no purpose, particularly when it’s directed at others who are stuck in the same circumstances. And in the big picture, whether you’re three cars ahead or three cars behind isn’t going to amount to a hill of beans. You’ll get where you’re going when you get there.
So why do people expend so much energy getting foolishly angry? Spike thinks it comes down to feeling a loss of control. People want to feel like they have control of their lives, and when they’re faced with situations that take away that illusion—like traffic jams, or waiting in line at the DMV— they feel helpless and need to vent their frustration. Spike finds the whole phenomenon rather silly since he knows that this is actually his world and the rest of you are just guests anyway, but that’s beside the point.
2) Man has a natural tendency toward entropy — Again, driving behavior is a great example of this. Imagine you’re travelling on a two lane highway in heavy, but steady traffic, and suddenly the road widens to 3 lanes for 200 feet before narrowing again. Is everyone going to stay in their lane and bide their time? Of course not. The asshole driving every third car is going to see the extra lane as his opportunity to get ahead and will pull out, even though he’s ultimately going to cause chaos for everyone else when he has to merge again in 10 seconds. Most people are extremely short-sighted that way. They don’t look at the big picture. They simply react in the moment and then suffer the consequences and force everyone else to suffer along with them.
3) People believe in magic — The most obvious examples of this are the lottery, credit card debt, and religion. People buy lottery tickets because they believe that their big pay day is just around the corner and that their sad lives will be magically transformed; people rack up debt because they believe that money will magically appear to pay it off before they go to prison; and people pray and give money to churches because they believe that all the horrible things they do on Earth will be magically forgiven when they die and they’ll receive eternal life in the Kingdom of Heaven...despite the fact that there’s no evidence to support any of these beliefs. In fact, sometimes the evidence is to the contrary.
Sure, people win the lottery every day, but not nearly as many as play. The latest Mass Lottery commercial touts the fact that last year the state was able to give over $3 billion to Massachusetts cities and towns, all of it coming from the lottery. That means that no matter how many people actually won, collectively over $3 billion was lost. Continuing to play with odds like that is just stupid...unless the jackpot gets over $30 million and you have a really good feeling that you’re due to win.
Besides, Spike is a strong believer that even if you gave 100 people a million dollars tomorrow, by the end of the year 70 of those people would be broke, 20 would be in debt, 5 would still have exactly a million, 4 would have made a small profit, and 1 would have all the money lost by the first 90 people. So even if someone does manage to hit it big, it probably won’t make any difference. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
4) People are basically lazy — Why do most people’s circumstances never change? Because they’re too lazy to make a concerted effort to change them. Everyone loves to bitch and moan and blame their misfortunes on bad luck or the other guy. Very few are willing to look at themselves and ask what they could be doing differently. They’re content to just grumble and coast...or put their faith in magic and buy lottery tickets.
The only time most people make an effort is when they’re galvanized by tragedy, and even then it’s too often short-lived and rarely leads to any real change. Look at how quickly the outpouring of money and sympathy for the people of New Orleans turned to outcries in cities where people didn’t want refugees relocating because they were afraid of how it would impact their own lives.
Of course, what happened in New Orleans might have been avoided, as so many other tragedies might, except for one thing:
5) People don’t learn from mistakes—The human race seems to have been blessed with an unusually short attention span. If a baby sea lion wanders to the edge of the water and a killer whale suddenly comes flying out of the surf, the baby sea lion learns that he has to be careful next time he’s in the area. We build a city is a flood plane below sea level and it gets destroyed 3 years later, we build it again. And then again 80 years later...and possibly again 200 years later.
Maybe it goes back to the belief in magic, that circumstances will suddenly change or faith will win out, but humans seem to repeat their mistakes over and over again. Look at the tech boom and subsequent stock market bust in the mid-90s. People invested everything they had in hopes of making a killing and retiring early, and instead many of them ended up hopelessly in debt because they believed the good times would go on forever. Hadn’t the same thing happened less than a decade before with the junk bond market and Beanie Babies? Duh!
And still people haven’t learned. In the last few years billions have been thrown into real estate investment to capitalize on the dramatic rise in housing costs. And now if you take a drive down Harrison Avenue in Boston’s South End at night you’ll see that the majority of the windows in all the new condo buildings are dark...because no one lives there. Yet Spike is certain that as soon as the next “sure thing” investment comes along everyone will quickly forget the lessons we’ve learned and jump right on that band wagon.
So, Sarah, what you may see as people being bad, Spike just sees as people being stupid. At the same time, Spike accepts people’s foibles and frailties and has great respect for their nature to persevere and to rise up and help (for however brief a time) when others are in need. The rest of you are, sadly, imperfect, but Spike forgives you and even has a small spot of warmth for you all at times...like for a one-legged dog, or a gay Republican, or some other pathetic creature.
So as you head into the holidays, Sarah, embrace your fellow men and women. And try not to judge them harshly, or get angry or resentful toward them as you’re stuck in line behind a hundred of them hoping that magically the supply of Xbox 360s will hold out until you get to the front.
Best of holiday wishes,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Television - With the notable exceptions of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” “Everwood,” and some of the middle seasons of “7th Heaven” (yes, I know I sometimes have the viewing habits of a 13-year-old girl), all of my favorite TV series in the past 16 years have been on HBO: “Dream On,” “The Larry Sanders Show,” “Oz,” “Sex and the City,” “The Sopranos,” “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” “Entourage,” “Carnivale,” “Big Love,” and the underappreciated “The Comeback” (I never got into “Six Feet Under” or “Deadwood” because I already had too many shows to watch). Not all of these shows created the national buzz that “Sex and the City” and “The Sopranos” did, but all of them shared one common trait: they were truly original.
I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that many of these series changed the landscape of television. Take a look at the schedules on the other networks. Would “Desperate Housewives” exist if “Sex and the City” hadn’t paved the way by showing that frankly sexual female lead characters and campy humor can play in Peoria? Would “Nip/Tuck,” “Rescue Me,” or “The Shield” have made the schedule if “Oz” and “The Sopranos” hadn’t already proven that violence, profanity and often-unlikable characters can make for compelling television? Some may not see this evolution as a good thing, but there’s no question that HBO created some truly groundbreaking television.
But lately something seems to be amiss.
While “Rome” has garnered great critical praise and respectable ratings, it hasn’t yet become a “water cooler” show. The same with “The Wire.” I’ve seen both shows and they’re very well written and acted, but I don’t feel any compulsion to watch them, and neither strikes me as innovative. Many of the older shows also seem to be losing their luster. “Curb Your Enthusiasm” had a so-so year at best. The inspired intersection of seemingly random occurrences that fueled the best episodes of the earlier seasons was largely missing. And the first half of “The Sopranos” final season was a let down. Perhaps it was all a setup for a whiz-bang grand finale, but too much time was spent on the growing pains of Tony’s son, AJ. There were still some great moments, no doubt, but overall things were flat. From what I can tell, the only HBO show generating any buzz at this point is “Entourage,” and as much as I like the show, I’m not certain that the buzz is actually real. It sometimes seems more like a product of the HBO hype machine than a reality. How many people do you know who actually watch the show?
Now I’m not tolling the death knell for HBO by a long shot, because the network is still home to great original movies, like “Hot Springs” and “Elizabeth I,” and non-fiction series like “Real Sports with Bryant Gumble,” “Inside the NFL,” “Real Time with Bill Maher,” and several shows with Bob Costas (though in my opinion, Costas seems better suited to ensemble work now that his youthful, virtuostic intelligence has fermented into frequent preening and grandstanding with age), but lately they seem to have run out of gas in developing new programming.
On the other hand, ShowTime seems finally have come into its own in developing series after a rocky start. The network’s initial forays into series were underwhelming. “Queer as Folk” was certainly groundbreaking for its depiction of gay sex, but overall it was really a pretty tepid melodrama that managed to divide the entire gay universe—aside from the main characters—into one of three stock groups: elite snobs, drug-addled party boys, or humorless PC do-gooders. The “L Word” is essentially the same show with better supporting players. I watched “Queer as Folk” consistently, but often wondered why, and I held out little hope that ShowTime would ever create an original series truly worth watching.
Then along came a little show called “Weeds.” On paper the premise sounds like a desperate bid to manufacture buzz by being provocative: widowed suburban mom becomes a pot dealer to maintain her affluent lifestyle. But in execution there's nothing heavy-handed—no sense of trying too hard—about the series. In fact there’s something almost magical about the show’s tone and the way that it effortlessly seesaws between biting comedy and earned drama. Certainly a lot of the credit goes to the writers, but it’s the ensemble cast, led by the luminous Mary-Louise Parker, Elizabeth Perkins, Romany Malco, Justin Kirk, Tonye Patano, and (believe it or not) Kevin Nealon, that gives the show its special alchemy. “Weeds” has quickly become one of those shows that I truly can’t wait to watch each week, and if I miss the first run I get depressed, even though I can watch it the next day on On Demand.
ShowTime followed up the success of “Weeds” with “Huff” and “Fat Actress,” starring Kirstie Alley. “Huff” leaves me cold for some reason, though the critics and Emmy voters seem to love it. “Fat Actress” was admittedly uneven and derivative of “Curb Your Ethusiasm” (and Kirstie screwed up the whole premise by selling her soul to Jenny Craig), but it was evidence that the network was trying and it gave me hope that “Weeds” wasn’t just a fluke.
This season that hope has been proven justified with the introduction of “Dexter,” starring Michael C. Hall. Again, on paper the premise seems a bit desperate: Dexter is a forensics investigator for the Miami police who uses his skills to track down serial killers...whom he then kills because he’s also a serial killer who was taught to harness his killer instincts by his foster father, a cop. Yes, it sounds a bit goofy, but the show really works. The writing is crisp, well plotted and insightful, the pacing is brisk, and the acting is exceptional.
On the few occasions when I watched “Six Feet Under,” I found Michael C. Hall bland and a little creepy. As Dexter, however, those qualities work in his favor. Watching him navigate his way in the “straight world,” pretending to feel like everyone around him while masking his sociopathic impulses is fascinating. The show also gives Hall a chance to show an unexpectedly deft skill with dark humor.
The supporting cast is equally good, and includes actors from some of my favorite other series: Lauren Velez (“Oz”), David Zayas (“Oz”), James Remar (“Sex and the City”), Julie Benz (“Buffy” and “Angel”), Jennifer Carpenter and Erik King. It’s fun to see the familiar faces get to stretch by playing parts that are the exact opposite of the roles that I previously enjoyed.
It may be a little soon to declare that ShowTime is the new home of must-see series (especially since "Masters of Horror" has been such a disappointment), but they’re certainly headed in the right direction. And if you don’t want to shell out the bucks for yet another premium channel, rent the DVDs. The one advantage of the short seasons on ShowTime is that you can watch an entire one in 6–8 hours.
Books - One of the most important things anyone pursuing a career as a comedy performer or writer needs to know: Am I funny? My affirmation came after sending countless writing samples to anyone in show business or anyone who could spell “show business.” Amidst a constant stream of rejection letters came a short handwritten note from Bob Newhart. He liked my work. He thought it was original. He wished me the best.
Does Mr. Newhart’s act of generosity, for which I will always be grateful, allow me to evaluate his new book, “I Shouldn’t Even Be Doing This” with absolute objectivity? Probably not, but his book can best be appreciated by readers who think Bob Newhart is a very funny man, and I am one of those.
“I Shouldn’t Even Be Doing This” (The title is a punch line to an old joke) is a short book (239 pages), the kind you would expect from someone who can say more with a stammer than most comedians can with 20 minutes of material about airline food. It may not qualify as an autobiography if your idea of a celebrity memoir includes chapters about child neglect, drug abuse, triumph over drug abuse, and hints of affairs with a Secretary of Commerce or two. But his book accomplishes what good biographies do: It presents an interesting and informative picture of Bob Newhart. He also, without a lot of pompous theorizing, provides insight about his comedy and comedy in general.
The book is essentially a series of short stories from his life, pieced together with observations about comedy and show business. His outlook and observations are interersting because, like his comedic persona, he constantly is bewildered and amused by the insanity and near-insanity of the world around him.
Included in the book are many of his well-known comedy routines including: a phone conversation between Abe Lincoln and his press agent, and the commander of the submarine U.S.S Codfish addressing his crew after an extended mission. Even if you have worn out your treasured “Button-Down Mind” albums listening to the routines, reading them will be almost as enjoyable because you, no doubt, will hear his voice while scanning the words.
Reading “I Shouldn’t Even Be Doing This” will be a pleasurable experience for anyone who likes or appreciates the comedy of Bob Newhart. But I would also recommend this book to anyone who feels overwhelmed by the daily news cycle of Britney, Paris, and Brangelina gossip. You will be surprised to learn what the rest of us Newhart fans have always known: There are actually celebrities who are defined as much by their kindness and decency as by their talent.
(Note: If, Mr. Newhart is arrested next week for something like, oh, being O.J. Simpson’s accomplice, I stand corrected.)
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Television - Remember the good old days when Oprah and Dr. Phil chatted cozily about the normal problems of marital relations and familial dustups? Dr. Phil McGraw was Oprah Winfrey's designated Dr. Feelgood. He dispensed a few bromides and everything seemed copecetic. Not anymore as "Dr. Phil" has become TV's Dr. Phrankenstein. The psychological talk show spun off from those cozy chats on Oprah's couch has taken a monstrous turn.
Dr. Phil now seems to be trying to live up to the legend of Jerry Springer by featuring freaky, genuinely disturbed guests. And the reasonable people who appear on “Dr. Phil,” such as an assistant principal slandered by her students on the Internet, come away badgered to tears by the host. In this case, Dr. Phil seemed obsessed by the lawsuit the assistant principal filed against the students and their families. He hounded her, asking repeatedly how much money was she seeking in damages. She and her lawyer refused to say.
Dr. Phil should be the last person to bang on about money. He recklessly trades on his name, trying to pump up his family’s net worth. Hello, worthless and litigious Dr. Phil diet book and paraphernalia. Hello, ripoff Phil pontificating about dating on Match.com. Hello Dr. Phil’s son, Jay McGraw, and his own diet book and makeover show. Hello Dr. Phil wife, Robin McGraw and her limpid “be your best self” book. Who knew Robin could do more than stand beside Dr. Phil with a desperate grin on her plasticized face?
Actually, the only time Robin has stepped out from the “Stepford” role is when she gave viewers an energetic tour of the ill-starred “Dr. Phil House,” a den of detox-ing druggies who fly to L.A. for personalized Phil counseling. Robin eagerly crowed about the sponsors outfitting the Dr. Phil house – as if JC Penney sheets and Lowe's gadgets will make a heroin addict go straight.
The Phil House of Horrors has not won any awards for decorating but the neighbors have raised a stink, complaining about noise and unsightliness. They managed to close it last fall. The show must have made nice with the abutters because Dr. Phil’s Website has a plug asking people to write in about why they want to stay in Robin’s pleasure palace.
Be advised, however, that any sojourn in the Dr. Phil House requires sleeping with the ghosts of the heroin twins, Sarah and Tecoa. These twisted sisters whose family problems seemed beyond quickie TV repair, kicked the habit at the Dr. Phil House and were sent off to rehab. Who knows whether they will ever recover? Certainly watching “Dr. Phil,” a viewer had no assurances Sarah and Tecoa weren’t used and abused during TV's ratings sweeps.
Word is that Winfrey has distanced herself from McGraw, although her company, Harpo Productions, continues to produce “Dr. Phil.” And, in Hollywood where the show originates, “Dr. Phil” is the devil and the deep blue sea. Producers who work on the show earn piles of money but they sell their souls for the privilege. The personnel churn rate is said to be astounding with staffers fleeing “Phil” all the time.
Currently, Dr. Phil and the synthetic Robin are eBay-ing NASCAR suits to earn money for “Toys For Tots.” A nice gesture, but weird too – like everything connected to “Dr. Phil.”
monica@onlineoffbeat.com
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I’m bringing my partner, Ken, home to meet my family in Arkansas this Christmas. I’m kind of nervous, but so far things are cool. My mom even made a point of saying that Ken and I would be sleeping in my old room so I didn’t even have to broach that potentially controversial subject. In general I’m pretty comfortable with how my immediate family will react. Although they’re hardcore Baptists, they’ve been pretty supportive of my sexuality (or at least they didn’t threaten to disown me). I’m more concerned about how my grandparents and aunts and uncles and their families will react. Everyone will be staying in the same house for three days and I want to avoid any conflicts. Any advice you can give?
— Doug, Mission Hill, Boston
Dear Doug — Spike did a little checking and lucky for you, Arkansas is one of those states that apparently has absolutely no laws regulating the carrying or use of handguns whatsoever. While something light and easily loaded like a Walther PPK .380 (Spike recommends the PPK/S because it has a slightly longer grip to accommodate an extra round, plus the stainless steel barrel reflects the holiday lights so beautifully) would be good for close combat, nothing says, “Don’t fuck with me,” like the classic Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum. Sure the 14” length and 3-plus pound weight make it impractical for dinner-time shootouts, but for pure intimidation there’s nothing like it. At the first sign of trouble just lay the .44 on the table in front of you, fix your Uncle Zeke with an icy stare, and hiss, “Merry Christmas to all” and I guarantee the holidays will be conflict-free and joyous for everyone.
Now assuming that for some reason you actually LIKE your family and want to avoid bloodshed, there are a few other things you might try:
1) Don’t moan louder than your 12-year-old sister and her husband (your 14-year-old brother) when Ken is banging your forehead against the headboard of your childhood bed. Siblings can sometimes be competitive, so try to avoid creating any jealousy over who has the better sex life (or is the bigger slut).
2) During dinner, don’t look at the crucifix hanging on the wall and suddenly exclaim, “Damn, Jesus looks hot.”
3) Don’t keep trying to french kiss your cousin Caleb every time he gets near the mistletoe. Once is enough for extended family members.
4) Tell Ken that if someone asks him, “Would you like some more peas?” they actually mean “Please pass me the peas, you fudge packer.” (For you northerners, this is just a southern thing...except for the “you fudge packer” part.)
5) Don’t get drunk on egg nog and regale the whole family with the story of the time you and your cousins Bo and Luke played “hide the corn cob” out behind the barn.
6) Don’t “Queer Eye” your grandfather. The last thing the locals need to see is an old guy in overalls wearing a Gucci scarf and Cole Haan wingtips.
7) Don’t casually drop into conversation the amazing advances that have been made in cosmetic dentistry. Your Aunt Verna has been making do eating possum with her three good teeth for 30 years. She’s not going to change now.
8) Bring just a few token gifts from one another for you and Ken to open. You don’t want Granny swiping the “Mammoth Vibrating Double Dong” from under the tree.
9) Bring your own towels for wiping up after “play time.” It’s only polite and your mom probably doesn’t know how to remove silicone-based lubricants anyway.
10) No matter what, don’t visibly flinch when you see the the “Wal-Mart” tag on any of the gifts you open.
Other than that, just avoid any discussions about religion, politics, or gay marriage and everything should be fine. Best of luck and happy holidays to you and your family, Doug.
Cheers,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I’ve been dating a guy for about 5 month. We get along really great, share a lot of the same interests, and always have a lot of fun hanging out. But I just don’t feel any passion for him. I’ve talked to some of my older friends (I’m 28) who have been in long relationships and they all say that no matter what, the passion eventually dies so the friendship is the most important thing because that’s what will keep you together. I just can’t see compromising like that. I believe it’s possible to have both passion and friendship in a relationship.
Anyway, the reason I’m writing is that I want to break up but not lose our friendship because I think he’s a really great guy and I like spending time with him. What’s the best way to end things so I don’t lose everything?
Thanks.
— Ricky, South End
Dear Ricky — So basically you’re looking for the perfect painless break-up method. And after that Spike will turn water into wine, elevate the acting on “Noah’s Arc” to something above an elementary school play, and fix Clay Aiken’s hair. In other words, Ricky, you’re asking for a miracle. The formula for the perfect, pain-free break-up is like the Holy Grail of advice columnists. If it exists, no one has found it yet.
Personally, Spike is far more versed in the slash-and-burn methods of dumping someone: telling him you cheated on him even though you didn’t (though this one can really backfire if he decides to forgive you and stick around, because then every time he looks at you with his wounded puppy eyes you’ll feel guilty for something you didn’t really do); cheat on him with his ex whom he hates and tell him (or better yet, let him catch you in the act); tell him you’ve taken a new job and that you’re moving out of state and don’t believe in long distance relationships, then change your phone numbers and if you run into him tell him he must be mistaking you for someone else; utter the word “ewww” with a look like you just smelled something nasty and shudder the next time he tries to kiss you.
But since you’re looking for something less incendiary, Spike will try to help you out...because that’s what Spike does. He helps. So curl up next to the fire with a cup of hot cocoa, Ricky, and let Uncle Spike tell you a little story.
Many years ago Spike was in a similar situation, contemplating how to extricate himself from a relationship without hurting the other boy. After formulating several approaches, he tested them out on his dear friend Shaun Anne, who was visiting from her cattle ranch in the Dakotas. After listening quietly to the various options, Shaun Anne looked Spike dead in the eye and said, “What an egotistical fuck you are. You’ve already made the decision to break up. You have no right to try to control how he feels about it.” Needless to say, Spike sent her packing back west on her mule that very night, but in retrospect she was probably right.
Here’s the thing, Ricky. You’re trying to be sort of a relationship bulimic: you’ve already eaten your cake, and now you want to spit it back up, and then have it back again the way it was (minus the commitment). That’s not possible. Once you spit the cake back up it’s never quite the same again. Sure it may still be tasty, but the consistency will always be different.
All you can do is be honest, and that’s what he deserves anyway. And you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. We can’t help how we feel. You can’t help it that you don’t feel passionate love for him...and he won’t be able to help it if he despises you when you tell him. Just be direct and avoid any cliches like “It’s not you, it’s me,” because that will just piss him off. It’s okay, however, to let him know that you value his friendship and hope you can continue to have a relationship with him, but try not to make it sound like a consolation prize. If he’s okay with that, great. If not you’ll just have to live with it. How he feels is out of your control.
So best of luck with both your break up and your quest for that enduring mix of passion and friendship you seek, Ricky. And if you find that, be sure to put it someplace safe...right alongside Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster.
Ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
|
|  
|
