Personally, Spike is far more versed in the slash-and-burn methods of dumping someone: telling him you cheated on him even though you didn’t (though this one can really backfire if he decides to forgive you and stick around, because then every time he looks at you with his wounded puppy eyes you’ll feel guilty for something you didn’t really do); cheat on him with his ex whom he hates and tell him (or better yet, let him catch you in the act); tell him you’ve taken a new job and that you’re moving out of state and don’t believe in long distance relationships, then change your phone numbers and if you run into him tell him he must be mistaking you for someone else; utter the word “ewww” with a look like you just smelled something nasty and shudder the next time he tries to kiss you.

But since you’re looking for something less incendiary, Spike will try to help you out...because that’s what Spike does. He helps. So curl up next to the fire with a cup of hot cocoa, Ricky, and let Uncle Spike tell you a little story.

Many years ago Spike was in a similar situation, contemplating how to extricate himself from a relationship without hurting the other boy. After formulating several approaches, he tested them out on his dear friend Shaun Anne, who was visiting from her cattle ranch in the Dakotas. After listening quietly to the various options, Shaun Anne looked Spike dead in the eye and said, “What an egotistical fuck you are. You’ve already made the decision to break up. You have no right to try to control how he feels about it.” Needless to say, Spike sent her packing back west on her mule that very night, but in retrospect she was probably right.

Here’s the thing, Ricky. You’re trying to be sort of a relationship bulimic: you’ve already eaten your cake, and now you want to spit it back up, and then have it back again the way it was (minus the commitment). That’s not possible. Once you spit the cake back up it’s never quite the same again. Sure it may still be tasty, but the consistency will always be different.

All you can do is be honest, and that’s what he deserves anyway. And you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. We can’t help how we feel. You can’t help it that you don’t feel passionate love for him...and he won’t be able to help it if he despises you when you tell him. Just be direct and avoid any cliches like “It’s not you, it’s me,” because that will just piss him off. It’s okay, however, to let him know that you value his friendship and hope you can continue to have a relationship with him, but try not to make it sound like a consolation prize. If he’s okay with that, great. If not you’ll just have to live with it. How he feels is out of your control.

So best of luck with both your break up and your quest for that enduring mix of passion and friendship you seek, Ricky. And if you find that, be sure to put it someplace safe...right alongside Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster.

Ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.