How to Show How Little You Care
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I’ve been dating a really great guy for 3 months. We’re at that stage now where things have definitely moved beyond casual dating but aren’t yet into the “partner zone.” I’m having a really hard time figuring out what to get him for Christmas. If I get him something like nice silver candlesticks that seems kind of impersonal, but if I get him a ring or something like that then he might get scared and think I’m trying to push things to the next level too soon. What’s the perfect gift to give a guy that says I really like you and care about you but I’m not trying to pressure you to marry me? By the way, we’re both in our mid-30s, if that helps.
— James, Northampton, MA
Dear James — You really want to show this guy that you like and care about him? How about listening to him and taking an interest in his life for starters? Silver candlesticks? Good God! Unless this guy collects candles or thinks he’s the Phantom of the Opera that’s about the lamest gift for a boyfriend that Spike has ever heard. You may as well just get him a gift certificate to Manhunt or Match.com because he’s going to be looking for a new boyfriend soon anyway.
Spike is mystified by the inability of people to choose suitable gifts for their significant others. How wrapped up in your own self do you have to be not to take notice of things that your boyfriend might like or need? Presumably, after 3 months you share some conversation beyond “oh yeah, stick it all the way in.” Has he never mentioned anything that made you think, “I have to remember that because that would be a great gift for Christmas?”
When it comes to people at the office or your elderly aunt, fruit baskets and pot pourri are fine gifts. You don’t really want to know too much about these people anyway, so it’s okay to give a token gift that says, “I’m thinking of you...but not very much.” But for your boyfriend (or girlfriend or husband or wife) you have to give a gift that shows you actually know them. Or perhaps in your case that you WANT to get to know him, since you’ve obviously made no effort up to this point.
I’m not sure what your budgetary constraints are since you didn’t specify whether you actually live in Northampton proper or in a trailer in one of those horrible little areas around the outskirts, but how about giving him a weekend getaway to someplace where the two of you can spend the days wandering through quaint shops together (a great way to learn what sorts of things he likes and doesn’t like) and the evenings talking and getting to know one another better? Or maybe just take him out for dinner someplace quiet and actually listen to what he has to say for a change. Both of these seem like great gifts if you’re serious about being in a relationship with this guy.
And for all you poor souls who find yourself dreading the opening of the presents each year because you just know that your mate is going to give you yet another gift that demonstrates how little they know you, here’s an idea: drop hints...big, loud, unmistakable hints. Start in June and keep it up every chance you get. Sure it’s tacky, but it’s a hell of a lot better than having to find storage space for that Thomas Kinkade collectible snow globe, and if you’re going to be stuck in a sucky relationship at least you should get good presents out of it.
So here’s wishing that everybody gets exactly what they want this holiday season. And if anyone is having trouble finding the perfect gift for Spike this year, don’t bother. If you’re too dumb to go to the liquor store then Spike doesn’t want your damn present.
Happy holidays to one and all,
Spikey Claus
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
