Homo for the Holidays
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I’m bringing my partner, Ken, home to meet my family in Arkansas this Christmas. I’m kind of nervous, but so far things are cool. My mom even made a point of saying that Ken and I would be sleeping in my old room so I didn’t even have to broach that potentially controversial subject. In general I’m pretty comfortable with how my immediate family will react. Although they’re hardcore Baptists, they’ve been pretty supportive of my sexuality (or at least they didn’t threaten to disown me). I’m more concerned about how my grandparents and aunts and uncles and their families will react. Everyone will be staying in the same house for three days and I want to avoid any conflicts. Any advice you can give?
— Doug, Mission Hill, Boston
Dear Doug — Spike did a little checking and lucky for you, Arkansas is one of those states that apparently has absolutely no laws regulating the carrying or use of handguns whatsoever. While something light and easily loaded like a Walther PPK .380 (Spike recommends the PPK/S because it has a slightly longer grip to accommodate an extra round, plus the stainless steel barrel reflects the holiday lights so beautifully) would be good for close combat, nothing says, “Don’t fuck with me,” like the classic Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum. Sure the 14” length and 3-plus pound weight make it impractical for dinner-time shootouts, but for pure intimidation there’s nothing like it. At the first sign of trouble just lay the .44 on the table in front of you, fix your Uncle Zeke with an icy stare, and hiss, “Merry Christmas to all” and I guarantee the holidays will be conflict-free and joyous for everyone.
Now assuming that for some reason you actually LIKE your family and want to avoid bloodshed, there are a few other things you might try:
1) Don’t moan louder than your 12-year-old sister and her husband (your 14-year-old brother) when Ken is banging your forehead against the headboard of your childhood bed. Siblings can sometimes be competitive, so try to avoid creating any jealousy over who has the better sex life (or is the bigger slut).
2) During dinner, don’t look at the crucifix hanging on the wall and suddenly exclaim, “Damn, Jesus looks hot.”
3) Don’t keep trying to french kiss your cousin Caleb every time he gets near the mistletoe. Once is enough for extended family members.
4) Tell Ken that if someone asks him, “Would you like some more peas?” they actually mean “Please pass me the peas, you fudge packer.” (For you northerners, this is just a southern thing...except for the “you fudge packer” part.)
5) Don’t get drunk on egg nog and regale the whole family with the story of the time you and your cousins Bo and Luke played “hide the corn cob” out behind the barn.
6) Don’t “Queer Eye” your grandfather. The last thing the locals need to see is an old guy in overalls wearing a Gucci scarf and Cole Haan wingtips.
7) Don’t casually drop into conversation the amazing advances that have been made in cosmetic dentistry. Your Aunt Verna has been making do eating possum with her three good teeth for 30 years. She’s not going to change now.
8) Bring just a few token gifts from one another for you and Ken to open. You don’t want Granny swiping the “Mammoth Vibrating Double Dong” from under the tree.
9) Bring your own towels for wiping up after “play time.” It’s only polite and your mom probably doesn’t know how to remove silicone-based lubricants anyway.
10) No matter what, don’t visibly flinch when you see the the “Wal-Mart” tag on any of the gifts you open.
Other than that, just avoid any discussions about religion, politics, or gay marriage and everything should be fine. Best of luck and happy holidays to you and your family, Doug.
Cheers,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
