The Tale of the Little Lesbian
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I’m a 15-year-old lesbian. I came out to my family (my parents, my brothers and sister and my grandmother) over Thanksgiving. It went really well and everyone was really supportive. Basically the message was that they already suspected and were okay with it. It was really cool.
Since then, though, it seems like they’ve grown less accepting. I really want to make sure they’re comfortable with my sexuality and realize I’m still the same person I always was, so I try to discuss it with them whenever I have the chance. But now it’s like whenever I bring it up they try to change the subject or just drift away. How do I get them to talk about their feelings about me being a lesbian?
— Karen, Worcester, MA
Dear Karen — Do you mean to tell me that your family isn’t endlessly fascinated in listening to you prattle on about your dykeness? Surely you must be........... oh sorry, Spike drifted off there for a minute.
First of all, Karen, Spike applauds you for knowing yourself so well at such a tender age and for being comfortable enough with your sexuality to want to share it with others. But the thing is, just because it’s probably the most important thing in your life right now doesn’t mean it is—or should have to be—the most important thing for everyone else around you. Of course it’s natural that coming out is a major deal for you, but maybe it’s not such a big deal for your family, especially since you indicated that everyone already seemed to have suspected. What you’re interpreting as a growing lack of acceptance may simply be boredom with the subject.
Now, you say that you want your family to be comfortable and realize that you’re still the same person you always were. Giving you the benefit of the doubt, Spike assumes that before you tasted from the cup of Sappho you had a variety of other interests...like the LPGA, and playing field hockey, and watching “Ellen.” Presumably, the person you were before didn’t try to steer every conversation around to her sexuality (otherwise there would have been no need for you to come out). Essentially you are not being the same person you were before because you won’t shut the fuck up about being a dyke. Your family may be more than willing to accept you as the person you always were, but you won’t let them.
Not to be too harsh on you, my little lesbo, but it’s actually quite selfish to insist that everyone else adhere to your agenda. And what’s worse, by constantly harping on your sexuality you’re defining yourself by it. Sexuality should just be a part of who you are, not all of it. I mean, how boring would Spike be if the whole of his being were his queerness? His drinking and smoking and promiscuity add nuance, color and texture to the wonderful fabric that is Spike.
So Spike suggests that you stop trying to cram your sexuality down your family’s throats, so to speak. Try to remember what you talked about before you realized you like muff and discuss those things occasionally. Once you start acting like your whole self again—instead of some truncated, fixated lesbian version of yourself—you’ll be able to gauge more accurately how comfortable your family is with you. Then if you think there are problems, you can bring them up. If not, you’ll just have to accept the disappointment that your love of carpet isn’t that big a deal to your family.
Munch on, Karen!
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
