Spike has to admit, Cameron, that at first read he thought your letter was a joke, since surely no couple that has been dating for 6 months would still be going out to bars. Rather, they’d be sitting at home knitting quilts together on the couch, watching reruns of “Matlock” and “Murder, She Wrote” and inhaling pints of Ben & Jerry’s “Chunky Monkey.” But Spike asked an acquaintance who has been in a relationship for almost a year about it, and this acquaintance assured Spike that on special occasions he and his partner (his words, not Spike’s) do still venture into the city for a night out...though they wear lots of foundation and sweaters so no one will notice how pale and tubby they’ve become. So assuming your letter isn’t al hoax, Spike will try to help.

Spike agrees with you about the inadequacy of the terms you listed. It’s interesting to note that this problem seems unique to gay men. In the straight world there’s an accepted progression from “boyfriend/girlfriend” to “fiance” to “husband/wife” to “fucking ex-husband/wife.” For dykes, the all-purpose “girlfriend” and “fucking bitch ex-girlfriend who ripped out my heart” seem to do the trick just fine (unless they happen to live in our fair state). But for gay men things are much more complicated. There seems to be an unspoken rule that at certain nebulous junctures new terms are required to describe the parties in a relationship. For the first night “trick,” “hook up,” or “drunken mistake” usually work just fine. But then one has to choose between “fuck buddy” or “boyfriend,” depending on whether coffee is partaken together the next morning. Then one usually moves to “lover” or “partner,” depending on one’s tolerance for ick. No one seems to know exactly when these new terms are appropriate or what each entails, but the evolution is instinctual...like lemmings throwing themselves over the edge of the cliff.

But since none of these terms is going to be adequate for you (or even uniformly interpreted by others), Spike has two other options. The first is to just embrace the ridiculousness of the whole thing and use terms that are so blatantly over-the-top that others can’t fail to recognize that you’re in on the joke.

These terms fall into several categories:
• Cute and cloying, such as “my honey,” “my sweetie,” “my pookums” or “my love muffin”
• Overtly sexual, such as “my bitch,” “my fuck toy” or “my cocksucker”
• Street-slang, such as “my old man,” “my boy” or “mi papi,” though these probably won’t work if you’re two white guys dressed in cardigans.

The second option, which Spike prefers, is to henceforth refer to Eric only as “Eric, my next ex.” While this may seem somewhat harsh, if you think about it it’s actually quite accurate, and it dispenses with the specific descriptors that you find so troubling. Chances are you’ll be broken up by the time you read this response, anyway, but even if you’re together for the rest of your lives, at some point one of you is bound to die, at which point Eric will, in fact, become your next ex.

More importantly, however, it defines Eric solely by his relationship to you (and isn’t that what we all want in a relationship anyway?) and will plant a critical seed of doubt in his mind that will keep him from becoming complacent. Each time he hears you utter the term he’ll question your commitment to him and redouble his efforts to keep you happy. It’s a win-win situation for you: you can be accurate and ensure Eric’s continuing subservience at the same time. A perfect solution!

Now, as for what Eric should call you, who cares? Spike is obligated only to help those who write to him, and since Eric apparently couldn’t be bothered to write, it’s not Spike’s problem.

I hope that helps, Cameron, though frankly Spike can't understand why anyone would consciously choose to be in a relationship—unless they're very ugly, very poor, or smell bad. It's all just so complicated and limiting. I mean, why settle for bon bons every day when you can choose from anything in the candy store?

But it's not Spike's place to question the actions of others...just to help where possible and mock where necessary.

So ciao for now, my sweets,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.