Dealing with a Control Freak
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I dated a guy for 7 months. I fell really hard for him and thought he felt the same way about me. In fact he asked me to move in with him so I told my landlady that I wouldn’t be renewing my lease and started packing. Then about a month before I was going to move in he started acting like a freak.
For one example (and believe me there were many), at his sister’s wedding in September, I went to the bar to get a drink and got him one as well because he’d only had one and every time we’d gone to an event together before he’d always had two. When I brought him the drink he started going off on me in front of everyone, telling me he hadn’t asked for a drink so I shouldn’t have brought him one. I just walked away from the situation and spent the rest of the reception sulking like a little kid.
Afterward I confronted him about it and he told me he didn’t like me making assumptions about what he did and didn’t want. I let it pass, but then when I started to move some of my stuff into his place he freaked out again and started complaining that all my stuff was going to wreck the way he likes things in his apartment. After a huge blow-up he finally admitted that he didn’t want me to move in with him (the day before my old lease was set to expire). Needless to say, I broke things off and didn’t move in.
Now after a month we’ve begun talking again. He says that he recognizes now that he has control issues and that that’s what was making him act the way he did, and that he’s working on solving them. He seems to want to reconcile and I still really love him, but I’m not sure I can trust him any more. What do you think I should do?
Daniel in Watertown
Dear Daniel — He turned down a free drink? And he usually has just two at social occasions? What more evidence do you need that this guy has severe problems? And what’s up with moving in together after 6 months? Are you sure your name’s not Danielle? Good God, get away from this situation as quickly as you can!
Seriously, Daniel, this guy has WARNING written all over him...in big pink neon letters.
First of all there’s the big fact that he led you to believe, over an extended period of time, that he wanted you to move in with him, and didn’t come clean with the truth until the 11th hour, almost costing you your apartment. Generally speaking, those sorts of revelations don’t just come out of the blue. Awareness dawns gradually. Most likely he knew for at least a week or two that he wanted to back out, but lacked the courage and decency to tell you until he had no choice. And what’s more, he apparently gave no consideration to how his last-minute surprise was going to effect you. By Spike’s book, that shows a lack of respect.
But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he really truly didn’t didn’t know how he felt until that day. Well, in that case, he’s critically lacking in self-awareness or is incapable of admitting truths, even to himself. Either way, it’s a big problem in terms of having a relationship with the guy.
And now you’re considering getting back together with him? What’s changed? Sure he says that he understands his problem now and is willing to deal with it, but what evidence has he given you in the past that he is capable of understanding himself, never mind successfully dealing with his problems? Did he suddenly start accepting your common courtesies after the incident at the wedding? Spike thought not.
The other issue is that he’s self-diagnosed his problem, and the problem with self-diagnosis is that people tend to diagnose themselves only in ways that they find palatable. For instance, they diagnose themselves as having ADD, when in fact they’re just self-involved assholes who can’t be bothered to pay attention to anything or anyone else around them. Or they diagnose themselves as having control issues that keep them from having a successful, sharing relationship, when in fact they just don’t like the other person that much but can’t admit it. Let’s face it, have you ever heard anyone diagnose themselves as just a shit head? No. There’s always some deep-seated psychological issue that causes their behavior. Spike knows that Spike is just a cynical misanthrope. There’s no particular reason for it. It’s just fun.
Even assuming he’s right, that he really does have control issues, isn’t he perpetuating his behavior by diagnosing and choosing to “treat” the problem by himself? One would think that the first step to overcoming a control issue would be to seek qualified help from someone else, thus admitting that one lacks the resources and capabilities to deal with the problem by oneself. You know, essentially giving up control. His approach is like someone saying “I’m completely self-absorbed, so I’m going into isolation for a month to teach myself how not to be.”
It’s only natural when we love someone to want to forget and forgive their faults, and in the moments when things are going well it’s very easy to do. It’s also easy to believe someone we love when they tell us that they understand their problems and are ready to change. But love isn’t a magic cure for everything.
Before you consider reconciling with this guy, Spike thinks you need to see concrete evidence of change over an extended period of time (because anyone can fake it for a few weeks). You might even want to try the “chick route” and test him a few times, purposely doing things to push his buttons so you can see how he’ll react. Yes, it’s immature and deceitful, but also effective, and you need to be certain that he is truly changing or you’re going to find yourself in the same situation 6 months or a year from now...except that by then it’ll be much messier because you’ll also have to find a new place to live.
It’s okay to be hopeful, but also be cautious, and at the first sign that freak boy’s issues are resurfacing get the hell out. Remember, just because you love someone doesn’t obligate you to accept their issues as your own.
So good luck, Daniel. Spike will be thinking of you...whenever he's trying to remember what town has the most Greek sub and pizza shops in Massachusetts.
Ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
