But Spike jests, gentle reader. From the tone of your letter he can tell that you are clearly a kind and thoughtful person seeking genuine guidance, and so he will try to help.

First of all, one shouldn’t take Spike so literally. It’s not like Spike spends any time or gives actual thought to his replies. They’re usually just jotted down on used cocktail napkins between rounds. Then at the end of the night the napkins are stuffed into pre-addressed and stamped envelopes that someone gave Spike once upon a time and dropped in a mail box. Then they go someplace where someone apparently takes the time to transcribe them and put them on the internet. It’s really quite wonderful and magical, and someday Spike must find out who’s doing it and thank them properly...and ask for some money.

But Spike digresses.

The point is that the columns are forgotten as quickly as they’re written (and as quickly as they're meant to be forgotten after they’re read), so Spike went back and read some of his earlier columns to discover the advice to which you were referring. It must be said that the benefit of short term memory impairment is that reading each column was like discovering some wonderful new treasure for Spike, and frankly Spike is mystified why some wealthy syndicate hasn’t contacted him yet about bringing “Spike Sez” to a respectable medium like print, but that’s beside the point. It also must be said that perhaps Spike WAS a bit too broad in his generalization.

But it seems to Spike that he has already given you a perfectly suitable suggestion. In your particular case, “my old man” seems MORE than appropriate. And if you’re concerned that people might misinterpret the term to mean your father, just give Russ a big old tongue kiss right afterward. That should clear things up...or at least make you emminently more intriuguing to your friends and colleagues.

In all seriousness, why introduce Russ as anything other than Russ? Are you trying to establish immediate ownership so other women (and perhaps men) will keep their distance? Or do you feel a sense of insecurity that compels you to let people know that, yes, you are capable of being in a relationship, and what’s more, you’ve found someone who actually wants to be with you? Spike just doesn’t understand this need people have to define their relationships to others. It all seems quite silly.

So Spike declares that henceforth all people should introduce their boyfriends/girlfriends/partners/fiances/husbands/wives/significant others/love muffins/fuck toys/etc... simply by name. In Spike’s experience, if people want more details they’ll be sure to ask. And if they don't, then they really don't care. It's as simple as that.

I hope that helps, dear Babycakes. If not...now what was Spike saying? Oh well, it couldn’t have been that important.

So ciao for now to one and all,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.