Quick Bites
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Asshole — I just wanted to tell you how disgusting I think you are. What gives you the right to give people “advice” when you’re obviously a mess yourself? What’s more, your perpetuation of negative gay stereotypes—drunk promiscuous gay men, cheap lesbians, lesbians who move in together after one date, etc...—is not only reprehensible but dangerous. How can we expect the rest of the world to stop using negative stereotypes and treating us like second class citizens when self-loathing queers like you keep perpetuating them?
Free speech is a sacred right but irresponsible assholes like you who abuse it shouldn’t be allowed to spew your hateful words in public forums. Do everyone in the gay community a favor and go away.
I’m sure you won’t have the guts to print my letter but I don’t care.
— Barbara, Jamaica Plain, MA
Dear Barbara — Thank you for your kind letter, and also for helping to perpetuate another negative gay stereotype that Spike neglected: the humorless, intolerant, PC dyke. How could Spike have been so careless?
Dear Spike — Who do you think will win the big Oscars this year?
—Jamie in Medford
Dear Jamie — Spike isn’t sure about Best Picture or the other acting categories, but he thinks Tom Cruise is a shoo-in for Best Actor for his performance as Baby Suri’s father.
Dear Spike Sez — What do you make of the situation with Isaiah Washington calling his gay co-star T.R. Knight a “faggot”? Do you think Washington should be fired from “Grey’s Anatomy?”
— Bob M., Harvard, MA
Dear Bob — Frankly Spike doesn’t understand all the hoopla. “Faggot” is just a word like any other. No better, no worse. Spike thinks that everyone should just give a nigger a break.
Dear Spike — What can gay people do to ensure that we have greater represention in movies, television and music?
— Kathie from Northampton
Jesus Christ, Kathie, asking for more gay representation in movies, television and music is like asking for more black representation in the NBA! Brokeback Mountain, Capote, Notes on a Scandal, Ellen, Rosie, Doogie, T.R. Knight, Queer Eye, the L Word, Logo, Here, Scissor Sisters, Elton John, Panic at the Disco (at least they SHOULD be gay)... Enough’s enough! Now if you want to talk about QUALITY representation, that’s a different story.
Dear Spike — I’m pissed.I have an awesome idea for a gay dramedy but no one is willing to produce it. I’ve been trying to shop it around to various producers for like 2 months nonstop but none of them have been interested. They all claim the gay-themed show market is saturated right now. I think that’s bullshit and think it’s just homophobia from them. What should I do? I know my show would be a huge hit.
— The Next Darren Starr, Cambridge
Gee, Next-Darren, maybe you could stop bitching and whining and earn some money so you can produce your damn show yourself! You didn’t see Salma Hayek boohoo-ing in her tostadas because no one wanted to produce a show about a fat, homely hispanic chick, did you? No, she put her pesos where her mouth was (or something like that) and produced “Ugly Betty” herself. If you think your show is such a sure fire hit then how about you take the risk? Or better yet, ask your parents to bankroll your little dream so that when it fails and they lose their entire life savings and have to live in a state-funded nursing home, maybe they’ll finally do what they obviously should have done when you were about ten and smack some fucking sense into your little bitch head.
Dear Spike — I’m expecting my fifth child in March. I named the first four after months (April, May, June and August). I’d really like to come up with another name that references a month but none of the others work for names. Any suggestions?
— Pearl, Camden, Maine
Yeah, Pearl, here’s a suggestion: how about keeping your legs closed for a little while? Just what the world needs, another brat whose mother think it’s cute to have theme names for her kids. Spike is just grateful that you weren’t a big fan of Snow White.
Dear Spike — I’m really offended by people’s insistence on labeling others based on their sexuality. I’m a 27-year-old man. I happen to be sexually attracted to men, but I don’t define myself as gay or homosexual because my sexual preference is just a small part of who I am. I don’t need any advice. I just wanted to make that point.
—Tony T. in Dorchester
Dear Tony — Thanks for sharing. As my Aunt Veranda used to say, however, “If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, smells like a duck, and sucks cock like a duck, it’s probably a duck.”
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
