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Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — Last night my friends and I got together for our annual Oscar viewing party. While we all thought the show was kind of lackluster overall, we couldn’t help but notice the proliferation of gayness. Ellen was the presenter and walked the red carpet with her girlfriend Portia deRossi. Melissa Etheridge won best song and kissed her wife and thanked her in her speech. Jodie Foster presented the death tribute. Queen Latifah presented an award. And what was great was that no one seemed to make a big deal of any of it. Unlike last year when there was this very pointed gay-consciousness around “Brokeback Mountain” and “Capote” which seemed sort of forced, this year it was very casual and off-hand.
Do you think that this is an indication that homosexuality has finally found true acceptance in Hollywood? Personally I’ve always felt that real equality and acceptance is achieved when people stop noticing or feeling the need to comment on someone’s sexual preference (or color or religion or sex).
Just a thought.
— Bailey in Boston
Dear Bailey — And how about that little Abigail Breslin, the LA County chapter president of Dykes on Trikes?
But Spike jests, of course. He’s sure that dear, sweet Abby didn’t pick that Rebecca-of-Donnybrook-Farm-meets-Swiss-Miss mess of a dress out for herself. It was undoubtedly some sapphic stylist’s misguided interpretation of “pretty”...one hopes!
First of all, Bailey, who said that Jodie Foster and Queen Latifah are gay? Did Spike miss a memo from the home office?
Just because Ms. Foster had her children under mysterious circumstances DOESN'T mean she’s a lesbian. If that were the indicator of lesbianism, 75% of the actresses in Hollywood would be dykes. You don’t think all those twins being born to actresses “slightly” past the bloom of youth are natural occurrences, do you? And the fact that she hasn’t been photographed with a man outside of a movie set since she attended the premiere of “Bugsy Malone” with Scott Baio? Hardly proof. Some people just prefer the company of others of the same sex because it’s more...comfortable.
And as for the Queen, sure she’s built like a member of the Bears’ offensive line and played dykes in “Set It Off” and “Chicago,” but does that mean she’s necessarily one in real life? Ian McKellan played a wizard in “Lord of the Rings” three times? Does that mean he’s a wizard in real life? Of course not...though Spike has heard rumors that he likes to wield his magic staff in private, as well.
Such scurrilous insinuation, Bailey. You should be ashamed. Spike Sez is a facts-based column, so unless you can send Spike pictures of Ms. Foster and Ms. Latifah chowing down on some carpet, please stick to the facts!...On second thought, if you do have such pictures, please keep them to yourself. Spike just ate breakfast.
Now, as for your question. Was the profileration of casual gayness an indication that Hollywood has become truly accepting? Sure...so long as it doesn’t hurt the profits. Because that’s always going to be the bottom line, and frankly Spike can’t be critical of it.
Put yourself in the position of a producer. You’ve got a $100 million dollars to spend on a film. Your future livelihood depends on your ability to turn a profit for your investors and the studio. Are you going to spend the money on a tender story that explores the complex relationship between two young women falling in love against the backdrop of an impending armegeddon, or are you going to spend it on a potential blockbuster about a bunch of manly but quirky guys who fight to save the earth from that armeggedon? Of course you’re going to go with the latter (at least if you’ve got some of your own money included in that $100 million) because there’s a proven track record for that kind of dreck.
And Spike isn’t sure that Hollywood was ever really homophobic in the first place. Gays and lesbians have always been an integral and accepted part of the movies, both in front of and behind the cameras. Even Charlton Heston, Ronald Reagan and Mel Gibson have admitted that they had gay friends. It’s just been a question of whether the studios thought they could make a profit with openly gay actors and gay-themed films, because when push comes to shove, even the most homophobic studio head is going to greenlight a gay movie IF they think it will make them money.
So what we saw last night is probably the direct result of last year’s somewhat nervous, self-conscious celebration of gayness. When Hollywood saw that the rest of the country didn’t turn away en masse in protest, they probably felt a little more comfortable with the whole thing themselves.
But keep in mind that while Hollywood loves to congratulate itself on its tolerance and on pushing the boundaries, they’re remarkably slow to embrace real change. Think back 20 years. How many “marketable” black actors and actresses were there? Eddie Murphy...and he did comedies. And before him? Sidney Poitier.
And while many of Poitier’s movies were huge hits, and in the early 70s “Shaft” and “Superfly” proved that “black” movies could be profitable, did those successes lead the studios to create a spate of great roles for black actors? No. They lead to a bunch of low-budget shlock that played to whites by showing them a cartoon version of what white, middle class America thought ghetto life was really like.
Yes, there have always been respected black actors like Paul Robeson, Cicely Tyson, Paul Winfield, Ruby Dee, Ossie Davis, Howard Rollins, etc...and there have been some very successful black actors like Bill Cosby and Richard Pryor, but they were always cast in roles that were specifically black because the studios didn’t believe that the public was interested in movies that just happened to have black actors.
That started to change when Lou Gossett, Jr. won the role of the drill sergeant in “An Officer and a Gentleman,” a role that had been written for a white actor. When the movie was a huge hit light began to dawn on the studios that maybe having black actors in key roles that weren’t specifically black wouldn’t hurt the box office, and so they patted themselves on the back for their largesse and gave Gossett an Oscar to boot so no one would miss how open-minded they were. Then things went back to business as usual.
It really wasn’t until Denzel Washington came along that things really began to change. More than any other actor Spike can think of, Mr. Washington has proven to the studios that the public is willing to accept black actors in roles just because they’re talented. Yes, Denzel has done his fair share of “black” characters, but he’s also been wildly successful playing characters that could just as easily have been white (The Pelican Brief—a white character in the book; Philadelphia; Crimson Tide; Virtuosity; Courage Under Fire; Fallen; The Seige; The Bone Collector; Out of Time; Man on Fire; The Manchurian Candidate — in the role played by Frank Sinatra in the original; Inside Man).
As a result, things have slowly started to change. Morgan Freeman has played God, the President, and a cowboy. Halle Berry was a Bond girl and the amnesiac wife in “Gothic.” Lawrence Fishburne was Morpheus in the “Matrix” trilogy (hell, 90% of the cast was non-white). Will Smith has become a huge star with “Independence Day” and “I Robot.” We finally have something approaching color-blind casting...at least for a few "bankable" black actors.
So maybe, at some point in the not-too-distant future we’ll see something similar happen with gay actors and actresses. It’s already happened with a few like Sir Ian, but he’s primarily a character actor, not a leading man. For now TV seems to be leading the charge in that arena.
And even if Hollywood wants to treat sexuality as a non-issue, don't expect to see a slew of openly gay actors and gay-themed movies until the public demonstrates that THEY don't have an issue with it by opening their wallets. That's just the economic reality and that's probably a long way off. Keep in mind that all those wonderful, liberal, open-minded people you saw at the Oscars last night arrived in hybrid cars and seem to believe that Al Gore won the presidency (silly people). The last time Spike checked, that wasn’t the case in Nebraska.
Phew! All this social commentating is SOOOO exhausting. Time for Spike to pop a Percodan and take a nap.
So ta ta for now, my pets,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Humor
• Fewer Britney Spears reports of self-destruction mean more Anna Nicole Smith reports of decomposition.
• Admit it. You are curious about which body part she will shave next.
• If she can’t patch things up with husband Kevin Federline, we may be looking at the next Mr. Demi Moore.
• Are you ready for tabloid shots of Elizabeth Taylor sans underwear?
• If we don’t give her another chance, Donald Trump will.
• The Promises Malibu Treatment Center desperately needs an addicted celebrity who is not also racist, homophobic, or anti-Semitic.
• “Daddy, if Britney can be addicted booze and pills, why can’t I?”
• In spite of everything, she is still qualified to be an astronaut.
• What if God talks to us through her addiction counselor?
• She can still breed.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Humor / Television - “24,” television’s Chicken Soup for the Tortured Soul, has become a convenient answer to the popular question: Is it morally justified to twist a thumb or two if mankind and high Nielsen ratings hang in the balance?
Federal Agent Jack Bauer’s bone-crunching brand of civics lessons makes a good case for playing fast and loose with the Constitution. But if we allow ourselves to be governed by fictional characters in fictional situations, it is only fair we give other TV shows equal time.
“American Idol” makes a good argument against torture as an effective interrogation tool. The punishment Simon Cowell and his cohorts deliver to each competitor only emboldens them to keep singing. The threat of an all-expenses-paid trip to Guantanamo would never persuade most of these gift-less victims to confess ineptitude.
“Grey’s Anatomy” makes a perfect case for federally subsidized daycare. The program brilliantly illustrates the difficulty every woman encounters when getting married, having children, becoming a brilliant doctor, all while carrying on a steamy affair with the hunky head of surgery.
The Bush Administration strongly believes the world is a better place without Saddam Hussein. However, “The Apprentice” proves that, if surrounded by a cast of attractive toadies and expensive-looking furnishings, an egomaniacal dictator -- even with a bad haircut -- can be entertaining to watch.
If new Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick is still trying to figure out how to fund his 1000 new cops on the beat, he should look no further than the recently-canceled “Armed and Famous.” Why use precious tax dollars training and paying policemen when reality show producers can tap into an almost endless supply of washed up, has-been, and barely-were celebrities willing to sacrifice their last shred of dignity to protect and serve?
No show illustrates the problem of illegal immigration in America better than “Supernanny.” This foreigner slips into the United States. She sneaks across state borders finding work as a domestic laborer. She takes jobs away from Americans, and sends 15 percent of her wages back to England to help support her agent.
Opponents of same-sex marriage can point to programs like “Oz” and “Prison Break” as proof male bonding has its limits. If God wanted large groups of men to flourish in captivity, he or she would have given them less-threatening tattoos.
“Ghost Whisperer” is about a woman who helps earthbound spirits with unfinished business so they can move on to Afterlife Estates, Phase II. The bigger message of this show is obvious: Iraq must be democratized before President Bush can retire and become the next National Mountain Bike Association Commissioner.
So-called technological advances like the Internet, cell phones, and e-mail have made us a more isolated society. Fortunately, programs like “Desperate Housewives” remind us what truly brings communities together: adultery, backstabbing, and greed.
You don’t have to view every episode of “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” to know how bad our national health care system is. Watch one autopsy and the problem is clear: Dead people get more medical attention than live patients. And if you are not still convinced, try asking your primary physician to draw blood and a chalk outline around you.
There is no harm cheering for Jack Bauer as he twists Geneva Convention rules like a suspect’s elbow. But at a time when we desperately need a leader willing to acknowledge his mistakes, remember this: Homer Simpson is the only man on TV honest enough to say, “D'oh!”
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike.
I am engaged to a wonderful man, and getting on just fine with planning my wedding. But if his mother doesn’t stop making life impossible for us, we’re going to have to call off the wedding all together … and I don’t want things to get to that!
To give you a bit of background, he is the 25 year old only child of two very doting parents and he and his mom have always been close. She is a control freak. She makes lists about everything. She has lists all over her house … and she only feels relaxed when everything has its neat little check mark next to it. She regularly gives him a list of things she feels he has to do, even though he no longer lives with them. (For example: book appointment with the dentist, take in your dry-cleaning, write a thank you note to aunt Jane, phone your old friend Jack…etc). The lists she gives him are always things that are actually not her problem and not her business… but he knows it’s her personality and so he takes them with a smile just to keep her calm. He knows that if he tells her to back off then its days and days of crying and phone calls from her.
Its never really bothered me before because it has always been HIS mother using her emotional manipulation and tears to control HIS life. But now its our wedding that she’s trying to suck the joy out of. She has even gone as far as to tell us what kind of pre-nuptial agreement we will sign .. and that she’ll come with us to sign it!
I know she does all this to relieve her own anxiety about life, because she fears that actually nothing in life fits into a little checkbox. .. but how do I deal with this woman?
Is there any way to tell her that she is a control freak and needs to seek help for her anxiety problem without causing huge offense?
Regards
Struggling bride.
Dear Struggling — Surely if there’s enough money around for you and your future spouse to be thinking about a pre-nuptial agreement, there’s enough for the two of you to pool your resources to “Jimmy Hoffa” the bitch before the wedding? Hell, skip the honeymoon and spend the money on that. Think of it as a wedding gift to yourselves!
But Spike jests, of course. From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like you hate your future mother-in-law or want to drive her completely out of her son’s life. Rather, you just want her to start treating her son like an adult and stop intruding (albeit by extension) on your relationship. Unfortunately, my dear bride-to-be, your dilemma is all too common and extremely complex, but let’s see if Spike can uncomplicate it a bit.
The one thing you don't say, Struggling, is how your fiance reacts to his mother's lists? Does he just roll his eyes and throw them away, choosing to avoid confrontation, or does he actually follow them? Since he is apparently allowing his mother to dictate the pre-nuptial agreement and attend the signing, Spike will assume the latter. Plus that makes for a much more interesting scenario.
First of all, Spike thinks your diagnosis of Momzilla’s behavior is correct. As Spike has said many, many times, the majority of bad behavior can be traced back to a need to feel like one is in control of one’s life. Your fiance’s mother chooses to create the illusion of control with endless checklists. In Spike’s family we’ve historically used cleaning products. Regardless, there’s nothing you or your fiance can do about her neuroses. She would need to seek professional help for that, and since she undoubtedly doesn’t acknowledge that she has a problem, that probably ain’t gonna happen. And certainly not before your wedding.
So the issue is really how do you stop her intrusions into your lives? Well, you could try to handle the situation yourself by pleading with her woman-to-woman over a cup of tea, or pulling a Steel Magnolia and telling her sweetly, but in no uncertain terms, that if she ever wants to see her son (or her future grandchildren) again she needs to back the fuck off, but neither of these approaches is going to fix the root problem and will probably just make her resent you even more than she undoubtedly already does.
Besides, what you need to understand is that this isn’t really your problem. It’s become your problem because you’re marrying one half of a dysfunctional dynamic, but be clear that the problem really resides with your fiance. As much as you may love and appreciate him, you have to accept that you’re marrying a Momma’s Boy. He may be sweet and smart and extremely competent in most aspects of his life, but he’s never cut the apron strings to the overbearing she-beast that spawned him, and as a result he’s never truly taken control of his own life. And although it can all be traced back to his mother’s anxiety disorder, it takes 2 to tango, as they say: she’s the one who feels the compulsion to intervene/interfere, but he’s the one who has allowed it to happen. So your fiance is the one who has to fix the problem...with your loving and unwavering support, of course.
But here’s the big question: Are you sure that your fiance really wants his mother to butt out? He may say that he does, but he’s apparently been happy enough to go along with the situation for 25 years, and at this point he may be so comfortable with it that he can’t function on his own. Which raises a second question: If she does butt out, are you going to have to take over the responsibility for managing his life for him?
Spike realizes that these are harsh questions and probably seem quite callous given your pending nuptials, but they’re critical for you to consider. Otherwise, five or ten years from now you may find yourself in a position where you have assumed the mother role for your husband. Or else, if things continue as they are, Mom may start to see your complacency as acceptance and soon she’ll be sending you lists: telling you what you should be preparing for Thanksgiving dinner and how; where you should be buying furniture and what style; where you should live; what clothes your children should be wearing; what schools they should be attending, etc... You’ll become a prisoner of her neuroses, just like your future husband.
So the first thing you need to do is sit your man down for a heart-to-heart. Let him know that you love him and respect his relationship with his mother, but that he needs to set some boundaries with her. Tell him you want them to have a good relationship, but that there have to be limits. Then it’s up to him whether he wants to follow through or not. If not, you need to decide whether this relationship is really going to work for you long term.
Yes, it’s going to be difficult for him (and her), and there will undoubtedly be a month or two of tearful phone calls, but ultimately it’ll subside. And here’s the rub: she’s not going to blame him anyway...at least not forever. Sure, initially she will, but ultimately she’s going to blame you. And no matter what wonderful things you do for her for the rest of your life, she will always see you as the one who drove a wedge between her and her son. But she would probably view you as that under the best of circumstances, so you really don’t have much to lose.
Just make sure that your fiance is really committed to doing this. The worst thing that could happen would be for him to throw you under the bus at the first sign of Mommy’s tears, pleading that it was all your idea. Then nothing will change and your mother-in-law will actively hate you and do everything she can to undermine your marriage.
It’s going to be tough, Struggling, but picture the alternative. Right now you’re not just marrying your guy, you’re also marrying his mother. Unless you want to live with her, figuratively speaking (and maybe literally, if she’s widowed), Mommy’s Boy needs to grow a pair.
Spike hopes things work out and that you have a lovely wedding...preferably in Maine, where you could have the reception at the lovely Coastal House (www.thecoastalhouse.com), southern Maine’s newest premier function facility, and have guests stay at the charming Kennebunkport Inn (www.kennebunkportinn.com), located in the heart of quaint Dock Square.
Well, Spike is exhausted after all that plugging, so it’s time for a cocktail.
So, ciao for now!
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I met the most amazing woman at a fundraising dinner on Saturday. She was stunningly beautiful, funny, charming, and intelligent. We happened to be seated next to one another and hit it off immediately. We spent the whole night chatting about our common interests, and at the end of the night we exchanged numbers and she made a point of saying that she’d call me. It’s now Monday morning and I haven’t heard from her yet. I don’t want to appear desperate, so how long should I wait before I call her? I realize that maybe she hasn’t called because she’s not really interested, but she seemed sincere about wanting to get in touch and I’m worried that she may have lost my number.
Thanks,
Sharon in Cambridge, MA
Dear Sharon — Oh my God! It’s Monday and she hasn’t called yet?! Have you filed a missing persons report yet or checked with the local hospitals to see if they’ve admitted anyone in a coma who matches her description?
Seriously, Sharon, Spike suggests you pop a valium or two and try to keep your stalker impulses in check for at least another 24 hours. Yes, it’s possible that she lost your number, but it’s also possible that she just has a life of her own and already had plans yesterday that kept her from calling you. Maybe she went to visit her sick Nana in the nursing home, or maybe she was volunteering at a soup kitchen, or maybe she had to break up with her existing girlfriend so she can start dating you. The possible reasons are endless. Not everyone’s life is a complete void, just waiting for someone else to come along and fill it, as is apparently the case for you.
Which leads to the bigger issue: you say that you want to avoid appearing desperate, but doesn’t the fact that you’re already obsessing about this woman to the point where you’re writing to advice columnists about her suggest that maybe you are just a tad? While Spike understands the eagerness to connect that comes with meeting a new hottie, there’s a fine line between eager and “Single White Female.” You’re a few steps beyond that line right now.
So you need to step back over that line and try to keep things in perspective. While you like what you’ve seen so far, keep in mind that you met at a social function where she was no doubt on her best behavior. The everyday reality may be very different (as I’m sure you didn’t give any clues that night that you’d like to lock her in your pantry forever). And even if it’s not, even if she is truly as perfect as you believe, what’s your hurry? Are you worried that she might meet someone else before you have a chance to ensnare her in your own web? If she hasn’t met someone before, chances are she won’t today or tomorrow. In fact, your bigger worry should be why she’s single if she’s such a great catch.
So just try to relax. And if you don’t hear from her by 8pm tomorrow night, Spike gives you permission to call, but only if you promise not to say something like, “you said you’d call and since I hadn’t heard from you yet I thought I should call you,” because all she’s going to hear is, “you’ve already broken your first promise to me and I thought I should point it out because if you date me I will never forget any slight, real or imagined, that you commit against me...EVER!” Instead, in your best normal-person-imitation voice, just say, “Hey, this is Sharon from the other night. I really enjoyed our conversation and I was wondering if you’d like to get together one night this week?” and then see where it goes from there.
To paraprase the Carpenters, Sharon (damn, why couldn't your name have been Karen? That would have been so much funnier.), if things work out you'll have a lifetime to say you knew her well, for only time can tell us so. Spike isn't sure that's really apt here, but he's been listening to the Carpenters all day and just wanted to share.
So ciao for now, my sweet!
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Humor - Rev. Ted Haggard has completed counseling and is now 100 percent heterosexual. The former president of the National Association of Evangelicals, who confessed to paying a male prostitute for sex and methamphetamine (which he claimed he never used), has been de-gayed and is raring to resume his husbandly duties.
Many programs designed to “de-program” homosexuals are based on standard 12-step programs. One of the key steps is making a list of persons the participant has harmed and making amends to them. Rev. Haggard’s program is no different.
Dear Damien -- During our week in the Keys, I constantly left the cap off the tooth paste. Please forgive me. By the way, I’m no longer gay. -- Ted
Dear Chuck -- It was thoughtless of me to plug in my Vibronator even though your house’s electrical system was not up to code. I apologize to you and everyone on your street who lost power. By the way, I’m now heterosexual. -- Ted
Dear Ms. Streisand --I apologize for my rude remarks. It’s just that from behind, you looked like a guy I did karaoke duets with in Provincetown. By the way, I’m now heterosexual. -- Theodore Haggard
Dear Larry -- I had no business checking out other guys at the gym when I was supposed to be spotting you. I hope your crushed chest has healed. By the way, I’m now straight. -- Teddy
Dear Ronald -- Sorry for taking so long to send my share for the Fire Island rental. Did anyone find my thong? One other thing: I’m no longer a homosexual. -- "Tan Man" Ted
Dear Alan -- I shouldn’t have ignored you at the Tony Awards. If it makes you feel better, two minutes later, Sir Ian McKellan dumped me for Nathan Lane. By the way, I’m now heterosexual but I think Nathan is still gay. -- Ted
Dear David -- Forgive me. I was soooooo wrong to question you about Liza. You deserve every penny of alimony. By the way, I’m now heterosexual too. -- Ted
To everyone in this chatroom -- I’m sorry for calling you a bunch of flamers. I was in a bad space at the time. By the way, I’m no longer gay, but I am really a guy. -- Det
Dear Rock Buster Video -- I apologize for not returning “Men in Zack” on time. Enclosed is my late fee. By the way, I’m now heterosexual so cancel “Greaseless in Seattle.” -- Ted, member #194A
Dear Rosie -- You were right. It was irresponsible of me to tie up the captain and lick guacamole dip off his chest. Still, I don’t think that’s why we backed into the pier. By the way, can I bring my wife on your next cruise? Maybe she can hang out with Melissa Etheridge. -- Your obedient cabin boy Ted
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Theater - Terry Byrne, guest contributor
Doubt, that gnawing, unnerving feeling of uncertainty, seeps out over the Colonial Theatre audience like a fine mist. “Doubt,” the Pulitzer Prize and Tony award-winning drama by John Patrick Shanley has arrived in Boston with an intensity unmatched by any drama seen around here in a long time. The greatness of this play was not measured by the level of applause at the end, but by the breathless silence that came over the crowd as the story unfolded.
The truth is it’s hard to imagine being drawn in to a drama about a priest suspected of pedophilia. Here in Boston, we’re worn down by the shame and disappointed and disgusted by the Catholic Church’s response. Besides, the same John Patrick Shanley who wrote the romantic comedy “Moonstruck” some 20 years ago also wrote this. But “Doubt” plumbs a rich well of compassion, torment and guilt that gives this tale an unexpected richness. Shanley also layers his story with other conflicts, including racism, sexism, intolerance and petty gossip, that ratchet up the tension yet feel so painfully familiar even if you never set foot in a Catholic church or school.
At its simplest level, the story, set in the Bronx in 1964, follows the concern Sister Aloysius, the principal of St. Nicholas Church School, has about the parish priest, Father Flynn, who also teaches the children phys. Ed. Her suspicions about his inappropriate attentions to a 12-year-old boy, who also happens to be the school’s only black student, explode into accusations that change everything, and nothing.
Cherry Jones, a founding member of the American Repertory Theatre acting company, brings Shanley’s Sister Aloysius to extraordinary life. Great actors don’t play a part, they embody a character, and the physicality of Jones’ performance is stunning. I confess I spent an inordinate amount of time in Catholic schools and Jones’ stiff walk, her arms folded under her habit, her righteous attitude and stern demeanor made me shiver with recognition. But Jones never allows Sister Aloysius to become a caricature of a nun. She is wise and domineering, driven by the rules, but watch her cower when reprimanded by Fr. Flynn or swallow her humiliation when he makes clear her subordinate position. Her conviction about protecting her students is unshakable, even if some uncertainty about Fr. Flynn may creep in. In the skilled hands of Jones, Sr. Aloysius is a complicated woman, not a fanatic.
Jones’ equal on stage is Chris McGarry as Fr. Flynn. McGarry is confident as he delivers his folksy sermons, full of anecdotes to illustrate his points (like the parables in the gospels, he explains). He also appears sincere as he tries to explain himself to the young nun, Sr. James (Lisa Joyce), who is eager to accept a “truth” that is easy to understand. Is it suspicious that he wears his fingernails long or pays extra attention to a young boy who’s an outcast among his fellow students? Should he simply be tolerated, because, as the boy’s mother (a classy Caroline Stefanie Clay) says, at least someone’s taking an interest?
Shanley lays out all the possibilities, and Doug Hughes’ beautifully directed production keeps us on the edge of our seats through the play’s final moment. The beauty of “Doubt” is that long after the play is over, notions of certainty, acceptability and denial will continue to haunt you.
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I just turned 21 a few months ago. I know I’m gay because I’m attracted to guys physically, but whenever I’m in a gay bar or walking around the South End I feel like I don’t have anything in common with all the other gay guys I see. I listen to them talking in bars and restaurants and I just don’t get it. Everything is always like really dramatic or really fabulous. And they’re always talking about shit I don’t care about like clothes and fashion and decorating. Not that I’m criticizing them. People can be into whatever they want, but that’s just not me. I can’t stand dance music. I’d much rather listen to country or older rock. And I don’t care about clothes or fashion. And I’m also not some big Muscle Mary or trendy little twink. I’m just a normal guy who happens to be gay. I think I’m missing the gay gene or something.
Sometimes I feel like it doesn’t matter, that I should just be who I am and eventually I’ll find other guys like me. Other times I feel like maybe I’m missing out on something because I don’t really fit in, like there’s some awesome gay world that I’m being excluded from. Most of all I just feel kind of lonely, like a spectator who hasn’t been invited to participate.
Is there something wrong with me? And if not, where can I meet guys who are more like me?
— Ike, the South End
Dear Ike (Ike? Who the fuck names their kid Ike? Is your full name Eisenhower or did you escape from South Park?) — You want to meet guys who are more like you? You mean narrow-minded and judgmental? How about joining the South Boston St. Patrick’s Day Parade Committee?
While you say you’re not criticizing, it’s clear from your depiction of other gay men that you are. There’s a chip on your shoulder the size of Aretha Franklin’s ass. Now whether that’s because you’re jealous or because you were raised in a Jehovah’s Witnesses compound somewhere in the plains states isn’t clear, but there’s no question you are passing a judgment and it isn’t a pretty one. Under normal circumstances Spike wouldn’t even CONSIDER addressing your question because of your obvious intolerance, but because your depiction also happens to be frighteningly accurate he’ll relent and see if he can help (because that’s what Spike does...sells out his own morals faster than Rosie O'Donnell scarfs down a bundt cake, just to fill space).
First of all, Ike, you have to realize that you’re living in a microcosm of ultra gayness. Just like any other major city (or major city that calls out the National Guard to deal with the threat of Lite Brite), Boston has its gay area, and that gay area has a “scene.” Sure, some people live there because they love the architecture and the convenience of city living, but a lot of others are there just because they want to be part of that scene. They want to shop at the hippest new boutiques and be seen at the trendy watering holes and eateries. That is the focus of their lives, and because they usually happen to be the loudest and nelliest creatures in the room they create the illusion that the majority of gay men are like them. But that’s not really the case. That would be like going to Rodeo Drive and assuming that everyone who lives in LA is a dumb fuck who would spend $3,000 for an emu-lined Dolce & Gabbana martini cozy. Trust Spike when he tells you that there are many gay men who care nothing about club anthems, window treatments, or moisturizers (not that you’d want to meet them).
Still, for now you are where you are, so the question is, are you missing out on something? Spike doesn’t have a clue since he’s always dwelled on the fringes himself. He knows what it’s like to watch a group of queens gossiping enthusiastically in a cafe or gushing about their latest purchases from Neidless-Marcup, wondering if maybe he’s missing out on something he doesn’t understand.
But then he puts the question aside because he senses a hint of desperation about the whole thing. Being fabulous by standards prescribed by others can be costly, and as the credit card bills begin to mount and more and more time is required in the gym to keep up the illusion it all becomes kind of sad. Spike imagines it’s also quite exhausting, and it’s ultimately in vain since there will always be someone younger, cuter and more fashionable coming along soon.
At some point most guys realize it’s a futile effort and give up, moving to the remote hinterlands where they can nurse their burgeoning bellies in peace. Others continue fighting like Dustin Diamond trying to hold onto a career. We’ve all seen these tragic victims, looking like 100 lbs. of feed stuffed into a 10 lb. Gucci sack, crowned with a dodgy nest of “sun-burst” highlighted tresses. It’s NOT a pretty sight.
So Spike suggest that you just be who you are, Ike. Being true to oneself and comfortable in one’s skin is going to be far more fulfilling in the long run than chasing after some mythic vision of gay perfection, and ultimately it’s going to put you miles ahead of your peers who will have to grapple with the issue of how to transition from fabulous to substantive when the stretch marks around their mouths become too apparent anyway. So let your normal flag fly, my young friend, and soon others like you will be drawn to its clashing colors and you may actually have some friends. Narrow-minded and judgmental friends with no style, albeit, but friends nonetheless.
Well it’s time for Spike to put on a Cher CD and take his daily milk bath, so...
Ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Humor / Television - The CBS reality show “Armed and Famous” was canceled after only four episodes. Once again, network executives must be scratching their heads: Who wouldn’t warm up to a lovable bunch of deputized has-beens and never-weres like Latoya Jackson, Erik Estrada, professional skateboarder and small person Jason “Wee Man” Acuńa, “renowned international fitness model” Trish Status, and heir to the Ozzie Empire: Jack Osbourne? Add the exotic Muncie, Indiana locale and they almost had a sure-fire recipe for a hit.
The producers should not give up. Celebrities packing heat may not be the way to go, but there are countless other people who should not be carrying weapons. It is just a matter of finding and packaging the ones TV audiences will love to watch. Here are just a few:
Armed and Sarcastic -- Each week, a group of acerbic vigilantes hunt down friends and associates who always take them way too literally.
Armed and Wistful -- Second rate poets shoot the love of their life and then write a haiku expressing their pensive yearning about what might have been.
Armed and Menopausal -- Middle aged husbands are chased by their wives across countries and continents for no apparent reason.
Armed and Ambivalent -- First-time robbers keep convenience store customers waiting for hours while deciding whether to shoot the clerk.
Armed and Emotionally Unavailable -- Lovers profusely apologize to their incommunicative partners for suggesting they take the relationship to the next step.
Armed and Flatulent -- After eating a Mexican dinner, a SWAT team must sneak up on a suspect.
Armed and Tardy -- In each episode, an Uzi-toting person shows up two hours late for a dentist appointment and then dares the receptionist to complain.
Armed and Penny-Pinching -- Contestants must line up multiple targets so they can be shot with one bullet.
Armed and Lactose Intolerant -- Each week, restaurant workers are forced to swear on their mother’s graves that “it really is a soy milk substitute.”
Armed and Clairvoyant -- Points are awarded for shooting the real criminals.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
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