Not Gay Enough?
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I just turned 21 a few months ago. I know I’m gay because I’m attracted to guys physically, but whenever I’m in a gay bar or walking around the South End I feel like I don’t have anything in common with all the other gay guys I see. I listen to them talking in bars and restaurants and I just don’t get it. Everything is always like really dramatic or really fabulous. And they’re always talking about shit I don’t care about like clothes and fashion and decorating. Not that I’m criticizing them. People can be into whatever they want, but that’s just not me. I can’t stand dance music. I’d much rather listen to country or older rock. And I don’t care about clothes or fashion. And I’m also not some big Muscle Mary or trendy little twink. I’m just a normal guy who happens to be gay. I think I’m missing the gay gene or something.
Sometimes I feel like it doesn’t matter, that I should just be who I am and eventually I’ll find other guys like me. Other times I feel like maybe I’m missing out on something because I don’t really fit in, like there’s some awesome gay world that I’m being excluded from. Most of all I just feel kind of lonely, like a spectator who hasn’t been invited to participate.
Is there something wrong with me? And if not, where can I meet guys who are more like me?
— Ike, the South End
Dear Ike (Ike? Who the fuck names their kid Ike? Is your full name Eisenhower or did you escape from South Park?) — You want to meet guys who are more like you? You mean narrow-minded and judgmental? How about joining the South Boston St. Patrick’s Day Parade Committee?
While you say you’re not criticizing, it’s clear from your depiction of other gay men that you are. There’s a chip on your shoulder the size of Aretha Franklin’s ass. Now whether that’s because you’re jealous or because you were raised in a Jehovah’s Witnesses compound somewhere in the plains states isn’t clear, but there’s no question you are passing a judgment and it isn’t a pretty one. Under normal circumstances Spike wouldn’t even CONSIDER addressing your question because of your obvious intolerance, but because your depiction also happens to be frighteningly accurate he’ll relent and see if he can help (because that’s what Spike does...sells out his own morals faster than Rosie O'Donnell scarfs down a bundt cake, just to fill space).
First of all, Ike, you have to realize that you’re living in a microcosm of ultra gayness. Just like any other major city (or major city that calls out the National Guard to deal with the threat of Lite Brite), Boston has its gay area, and that gay area has a “scene.” Sure, some people live there because they love the architecture and the convenience of city living, but a lot of others are there just because they want to be part of that scene. They want to shop at the hippest new boutiques and be seen at the trendy watering holes and eateries. That is the focus of their lives, and because they usually happen to be the loudest and nelliest creatures in the room they create the illusion that the majority of gay men are like them. But that’s not really the case. That would be like going to Rodeo Drive and assuming that everyone who lives in LA is a dumb fuck who would spend $3,000 for an emu-lined Dolce & Gabbana martini cozy. Trust Spike when he tells you that there are many gay men who care nothing about club anthems, window treatments, or moisturizers (not that you’d want to meet them).
Still, for now you are where you are, so the question is, are you missing out on something? Spike doesn’t have a clue since he’s always dwelled on the fringes himself. He knows what it’s like to watch a group of queens gossiping enthusiastically in a cafe or gushing about their latest purchases from Neidless-Marcup, wondering if maybe he’s missing out on something he doesn’t understand.
But then he puts the question aside because he senses a hint of desperation about the whole thing. Being fabulous by standards prescribed by others can be costly, and as the credit card bills begin to mount and more and more time is required in the gym to keep up the illusion it all becomes kind of sad. Spike imagines it’s also quite exhausting, and it’s ultimately in vain since there will always be someone younger, cuter and more fashionable coming along soon.
At some point most guys realize it’s a futile effort and give up, moving to the remote hinterlands where they can nurse their burgeoning bellies in peace. Others continue fighting like Dustin Diamond trying to hold onto a career. We’ve all seen these tragic victims, looking like 100 lbs. of feed stuffed into a 10 lb. Gucci sack, crowned with a dodgy nest of “sun-burst” highlighted tresses. It’s NOT a pretty sight.
So Spike suggest that you just be who you are, Ike. Being true to oneself and comfortable in one’s skin is going to be far more fulfilling in the long run than chasing after some mythic vision of gay perfection, and ultimately it’s going to put you miles ahead of your peers who will have to grapple with the issue of how to transition from fabulous to substantive when the stretch marks around their mouths become too apparent anyway. So let your normal flag fly, my young friend, and soon others like you will be drawn to its clashing colors and you may actually have some friends. Narrow-minded and judgmental friends with no style, albeit, but friends nonetheless.
Well it’s time for Spike to put on a Cher CD and take his daily milk bath, so...
Ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
