Straight But No Skirt Chaser
Humor - Rev. Ted Haggard has completed counseling and is now 100 percent heterosexual. The former president of the National Association of Evangelicals, who confessed to paying a male prostitute for sex and methamphetamine (which he claimed he never used), has been de-gayed and is raring to resume his husbandly duties.
Many programs designed to “de-program” homosexuals are based on standard 12-step programs. One of the key steps is making a list of persons the participant has harmed and making amends to them. Rev. Haggard’s program is no different.
Dear Damien -- During our week in the Keys, I constantly left the cap off the tooth paste. Please forgive me. By the way, I’m no longer gay. -- Ted
Dear Chuck -- It was thoughtless of me to plug in my Vibronator even though your house’s electrical system was not up to code. I apologize to you and everyone on your street who lost power. By the way, I’m now heterosexual. -- Ted
Dear Ms. Streisand --I apologize for my rude remarks. It’s just that from behind, you looked like a guy I did karaoke duets with in Provincetown. By the way, I’m now heterosexual. -- Theodore Haggard
Dear Larry -- I had no business checking out other guys at the gym when I was supposed to be spotting you. I hope your crushed chest has healed. By the way, I’m now straight. -- Teddy
Dear Ronald -- Sorry for taking so long to send my share for the Fire Island rental. Did anyone find my thong? One other thing: I’m no longer a homosexual. -- "Tan Man" Ted
Dear Alan -- I shouldn’t have ignored you at the Tony Awards. If it makes you feel better, two minutes later, Sir Ian McKellan dumped me for Nathan Lane. By the way, I’m now heterosexual but I think Nathan is still gay. -- Ted
Dear David -- Forgive me. I was soooooo wrong to question you about Liza. You deserve every penny of alimony. By the way, I’m now heterosexual too. -- Ted
To everyone in this chatroom -- I’m sorry for calling you a bunch of flamers. I was in a bad space at the time. By the way, I’m no longer gay, but I am really a guy. -- Det
Dear Rock Buster Video -- I apologize for not returning “Men in Zack” on time. Enclosed is my late fee. By the way, I’m now heterosexual so cancel “Greaseless in Seattle.” -- Ted, member #194A
Dear Rosie -- You were right. It was irresponsible of me to tie up the captain and lick guacamole dip off his chest. Still, I don’t think that’s why we backed into the pier. By the way, can I bring my wife on your next cruise? Maybe she can hang out with Melissa Etheridge. -- Your obedient cabin boy Ted
