But Spike jests, of course. From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like you hate your future mother-in-law or want to drive her completely out of her son’s life. Rather, you just want her to start treating her son like an adult and stop intruding (albeit by extension) on your relationship. Unfortunately, my dear bride-to-be, your dilemma is all too common and extremely complex, but let’s see if Spike can uncomplicate it a bit.

The one thing you don't say, Struggling, is how your fiance reacts to his mother's lists? Does he just roll his eyes and throw them away, choosing to avoid confrontation, or does he actually follow them? Since he is apparently allowing his mother to dictate the pre-nuptial agreement and attend the signing, Spike will assume the latter. Plus that makes for a much more interesting scenario.

First of all, Spike thinks your diagnosis of Momzilla’s behavior is correct. As Spike has said many, many times, the majority of bad behavior can be traced back to a need to feel like one is in control of one’s life. Your fiance’s mother chooses to create the illusion of control with endless checklists. In Spike’s family we’ve historically used cleaning products. Regardless, there’s nothing you or your fiance can do about her neuroses. She would need to seek professional help for that, and since she undoubtedly doesn’t acknowledge that she has a problem, that probably ain’t gonna happen. And certainly not before your wedding.

So the issue is really how do you stop her intrusions into your lives? Well, you could try to handle the situation yourself by pleading with her woman-to-woman over a cup of tea, or pulling a Steel Magnolia and telling her sweetly, but in no uncertain terms, that if she ever wants to see her son (or her future grandchildren) again she needs to back the fuck off, but neither of these approaches is going to fix the root problem and will probably just make her resent you even more than she undoubtedly already does.

Besides, what you need to understand is that this isn’t really your problem. It’s become your problem because you’re marrying one half of a dysfunctional dynamic, but be clear that the problem really resides with your fiance. As much as you may love and appreciate him, you have to accept that you’re marrying a Momma’s Boy. He may be sweet and smart and extremely competent in most aspects of his life, but he’s never cut the apron strings to the overbearing she-beast that spawned him, and as a result he’s never truly taken control of his own life. And although it can all be traced back to his mother’s anxiety disorder, it takes 2 to tango, as they say: she’s the one who feels the compulsion to intervene/interfere, but he’s the one who has allowed it to happen. So your fiance is the one who has to fix the problem...with your loving and unwavering support, of course.

But here’s the big question: Are you sure that your fiance really wants his mother to butt out? He may say that he does, but he’s apparently been happy enough to go along with the situation for 25 years, and at this point he may be so comfortable with it that he can’t function on his own. Which raises a second question: If she does butt out, are you going to have to take over the responsibility for managing his life for him?

Spike realizes that these are harsh questions and probably seem quite callous given your pending nuptials, but they’re critical for you to consider. Otherwise, five or ten years from now you may find yourself in a position where you have assumed the mother role for your husband. Or else, if things continue as they are, Mom may start to see your complacency as acceptance and soon she’ll be sending you lists: telling you what you should be preparing for Thanksgiving dinner and how; where you should be buying furniture and what style; where you should live; what clothes your children should be wearing; what schools they should be attending, etc... You’ll become a prisoner of her neuroses, just like your future husband.

So the first thing you need to do is sit your man down for a heart-to-heart. Let him know that you love him and respect his relationship with his mother, but that he needs to set some boundaries with her. Tell him you want them to have a good relationship, but that there have to be limits. Then it’s up to him whether he wants to follow through or not. If not, you need to decide whether this relationship is really going to work for you long term.

Yes, it’s going to be difficult for him (and her), and there will undoubtedly be a month or two of tearful phone calls, but ultimately it’ll subside. And here’s the rub: she’s not going to blame him anyway...at least not forever. Sure, initially she will, but ultimately she’s going to blame you. And no matter what wonderful things you do for her for the rest of your life, she will always see you as the one who drove a wedge between her and her son. But she would probably view you as that under the best of circumstances, so you really don’t have much to lose.

Just make sure that your fiance is really committed to doing this. The worst thing that could happen would be for him to throw you under the bus at the first sign of Mommy’s tears, pleading that it was all your idea. Then nothing will change and your mother-in-law will actively hate you and do everything she can to undermine your marriage.

It’s going to be tough, Struggling, but picture the alternative. Right now you’re not just marrying your guy, you’re also marrying his mother. Unless you want to live with her, figuratively speaking (and maybe literally, if she’s widowed), Mommy’s Boy needs to grow a pair.

Spike hopes things work out and that you have a lovely wedding...preferably in Maine, where you could have the reception at the lovely Coastal House (www.thecoastalhouse.com), southern Maine’s newest premier function facility, and have guests stay at the charming Kennebunkport Inn (www.kennebunkportinn.com), located in the heart of quaint Dock Square.

Well, Spike is exhausted after all that plugging, so it’s time for a cocktail.

So, ciao for now!
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.