Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the [EDIT] President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Readers — Welcome to the new, kinder, gentler era of Spike. In response to a threatened drop by the site’s one and only sponsor, Randy’s Auto Parts and Buffalo Wing Emporium, the mother[EDIT] publisher has asked Spike to tone down the use of “rough language, unnecessary vulgarity, graphic sexual content, and references to alcohol and drug use” in his columns. And so, in an effort to be a good team player, we shall try to be accommodating.

Unfortunately, this column was already written, and since Spike has far more important things to do with his time than than rewrite [EDIT] that he’s already written once, he’s chosen to simply mark potentially offensive content with [EDIT]. — Spike

Dear Spike — I really need some advice. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about six months. At first he seemed completely normal, but about a month ago he started to get really [EDIT]. Now, every time we’re in bed he tries to stick a [EDIT] in my [EDIT]. It’s not that it hurts or anything, but it makes me kind of uncomfortable because it’s really slimy. It feels like a giant [EDIT] and I’m getting pretty grossed out.

Have you ever come across anything like this before? How do I tell him without hurting his feelings that his [EDIT] is making me sick?

— Jeremy in Witchita, KS

Dear Jeremy — Spike can certainly understand your discomfort. Sticking a [EDIT] in a [EDIT] is kind of like [EDIT] a [EDIT] in a [EDIT]. A proper lady would never do such a thing. Particularly because the seeds, crust and rhinestones get all over the silk sheets.

The short term solution to your problem is really quite simple. The next time he starts to reach for the [EDIT] just say, “Excuse me, baby. I really enjoy it when you [EDIT] me with your [EDIT], but I’m afraid I’m not really into the whole [EDIT] in my [EDIT] thing. I hope you don’t mind.” Unless the guy is a total selfish [EDIT] he can’t help but accede to your wishes that he stop with the [EDIT] in your [EDIT].

Long term, however, his sudden interest in [EDIT] may be a sign of far more elaborate kinkiness to come. This kind of thing can be a gateway to all manner of [EDIT], and although you’re closing the gate for now, it doesn’t mean that the desire for [EDIT] will cease. In fact, with repression it will probably just grow stronger. That’s just the nature of [EDIT]. The more one gets it the more one wants it, and the less one gets it the more one wants it. It’s a lot like [EDIT] in that way.

So what can you do about the long term future, assuming that the two of you stay together? Well, one thing you could do is try to learn to enjoy it. Perhaps by practicing on your own with a [EDIT] you could become more comfortable with, or even learn to enjoy, the experience. Hostess, Playtex, and Johnson & Johnson all make excellent [EDIT] that you could use for practice. Doing so, however, could have one of two results: it may allow him to indulge his [EDIT] impulses just enough that he can keep them under control, or it may start a snowball effect and before long you’ll find yourself in a [EDIT] with your [EDIT] above your [EDIT] and a [EDIT] in your [EDIT]. Spike doesn’t think any of us want THAT to happen, now do we?

Spike suggest you open a dialogue about his [EDIT]. Try not to judge, but let him know that it’s just not something you’re into. Perhaps through discussion you can begin to understand his interest in [EDIT] and maybe even see why it might be fun. Who knows, before too long you may find yourself wanting to [EDIT] his [EDIT] with a [EDIT], too. Or maybe not.

Anyway, after all this talk of [EDIT], Spike is just dying for a [EDIT]. In fact, he’s feeling so [EDIT] that he might just [EDIT] 10 or 12 [EDIT] and then [EDIT] for good measure.

So ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.

Posted by Spike at 10:14 AM

Humor

Egypt, 1300 BC
Dear Mr. Remmao:
I have filed your workman’s compensation claim as requested, but I have to say I am not optimistic. Even if we can prove there were flagrant safety hazards at the Pyramid construction site, the fact that you are a slave makes discussion of lost wages problematic.

Rome, 264 BC
Dear Mr. Junius:
As someone who has worked on countless gladiator disability cases, I can assure you that yours will be no problem. I have lined up three experts who will testify the wheel on your chariot was faulty. Even if that fails, we can prove the release you signed before being thrown into the lions pit was never notarized.

London, 1610
Dear Mr. Shakespeare:
According to the documentation you sent me, you developed repetitive stress syndrome (whatever that is) in your writing hand while working on your last play. Since technically you are an independent contractor, your client, Globe Theatre Productions, is not required to pay for any of your leech treatments. Also, a guy named Christopher Marlowe filed the same claim while writing the same plays you referenced in your report. If you two are going to pull the same scam, at least get your stories straight.

Sacramento, 1847
Dear Mr. Donner:
As parties go, that one must have been a doozy! Fortunately, you were the only one who had the foresight to buy cannibalism insurance before you left. (We originally offered it as a joke but didn’t think anyone would actually buy it.) You are fully covered for the loss of one arm, two legs, one liver, and one gallbladder. Also, your employer’s insurance may cover part of this if any part of you was eaten by an employee.

Chicago, 1905
Dear Mr. Bunyan:
I received your letter in the mail, and I think you have a valid case. You should have been compensated for the 500,000 acres of land you cleared in the past three months. But here is our problem: A man who is so large that his footsteps created Minnesota’s ten thousand lakes does not make a sympathetic witness. Any chance you have a giant widowed mother to support?

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 03:59 PM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — I’ve gotten myself into a situation I don’t know how to get out of. Back when I first started dating my boyfriend I had a one night drunken fling with a guy I met while I was traveling. I’d only been dating my boyfriend for a few weeks at that point and technically we’d never made any kind of commitment to one another so I never said anything about it. We’ve been together for almost 4 years now and I haven’t been with another guy since that time.

Last week I started having a burning sensation whenever I urinated and there was some discharge so I went to my doctor figuring it was some sort of bacterial infection. Instead I found out I had syphilis. Since I knew I hadn’t been with anyone else I asked my boyfriend and he broke down and admitted that he’d cheated on me the week before. He said it was the only time it had ever happened and I believe him.

So here’s where the problem comes in. He was absolutely wracked with guilt. He kept breaking into tears and pleading with me not to leave him. To me it was actually no big deal. I wasn’t happy about it, but I wasn’t all that upset either. It didn’t make me question whether he loved me. Anyway, he was so upset that finally I decided to tell him about my fling in hopes that it would make him feel better to know that I’d also had one indiscretion.

It was like someone threw a switch. He went from tears to complete rage in a half second. He accused me of being a liar and said he couldn’t understand how I could have done that and not told him. He said our entire relationship was built on a lie.

Logically I know that this is all screwed up, that we’re guilty of the exact same thing, but now I’m on the defensive. He questions me about everything and wants to know in detail where I am every minute of the day. He says that I’m going to have to earn his trust all over again.

I really love him and want to work this out. What can I do to restore his trust and bring things back to where they were?

— Phil B., Cambridge, MA

Dear Phil — You narc-ed yourself out for a petty, 4-year-old one-nighter to make your boyfriend feel better about CHEATING ON YOU AND GIVING YOU A VENEREAL DISEASE? Wow. Did you also write an apology letter to the priest who molested you when you were six because you were wearing those provocative Spider-Man Underoos that one time at sleepover camp? Congratulations, Phil. You are officially the stupidest person ever to write Spike a letter...and probably the stupidest even capable of writing a letter at all.

Spike isn’t sure why he should even waste time trying to help you since it’s doubtlful that you can understand complete sentences (or walk and breathe at the same time), but because Spike is a helper (and because that fucking publisher won’t get off Spike’s back to fill space), he shall do what he can.

There are a few issues here, Phil. The first is that you’re a fucking idiot. You need to record the thought process that went through your little pea brain to bring you to the decision to confess...then send it to the Smithsonian so they can preserve it alongside Custer’s battle plans for Little Big Horn, New Coke, Gary Cherone as lead singer for Van Halen, and all the other stupidest ideas in history. Jesus, Phil, you were in a position to claim moral authority in the relationship and you pissed it away. Don’t you understand how many guys spend their whole lives trying to gain that sort of hand?

The second issue is that you’re pathetic. You say that you and your boyfriend are “guilty of the exact same thing.” How do you figure? You had a little fling at the very beginning of the relationship, before you’d even made a commitment to one another. He cheated on you after FOUR YEARS and gave you syphilis! Where’s the equality in that, Phil? And just how low is your self-esteem that you’re willing to give him a pass and accept all the blame for yourself? You’re such a loser that if you were in prison even the pedophiles would be allowed to rape you.

Spike’s first suggestion is that you just disappear. End the relationship, quit your job, throw away your cell phone, and go somewhere where actual humans won’t have to come into contact with you.

But since you probably won’t take that advice, if you really want to fix the situation, try not being such a pussy. Spike knows this will be hard for you because it will require that you pretend to actually HAVE some dignity, but try faking a little righteous indignation and anger.

The next time cheater-boy tries to twist the guilt screws or exert his control over you, just shake your head and say, “I don’t think so.” And when he begins to sputter and turn red, hold up your hand and say, “I’m done with this bullshit. What I did happened 4 years ago and I’ve been completely faithful since. YOU’RE the one who fucked around on ME and gave me an STD. If anyone can’t be trusted in this relationship it’s you. Now, I’m willing to forgive and forget and go back to the way things were, but if that’s not good enough for you then you need to get the fuck out of my life because I’m tired of being your butt monkey! And if you ever, ever cheat on me again (at this point you’ll need to get right in his face and try to turn the normal mewling whimper of your voice into something resembling a threatening hiss), I will bring a world of hurt tumbling down on your sorry ass.”

Will this actually work? Probably not. Spike suspects that the latest episode is just symptomatic of the whole sick dynamic of your relationship that’s been developing for four long years. The reality is that you probably ought to enter a witness protection program, change your name and move away to escape. But at least it would be a first step toward actually asserting yourself and having some self-esteem. You might find you actually like it and the next time you enter into a relationship you might do it standing upright instead of crawling and groveling in the pig shit.

Best of luck, Phil. You’ll need it.

So ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.

Posted by Spike at 11:22 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — I’m in a really difficult situation. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years, since our sophomore year at college. Over the holidays we got engaged and we’re planning to be married in August. I love her with all my heart. She’s my best friend and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But over the last two years I’ve come to realize that I’m gay (or at least I’ve finally admitted it to myself).

I’m not sure what to do. I love her and the thought of not having her in my life is unbearable. Part of me just wants to say nothing and go ahead with the marriage as planned, but another part of me feels like it would be unethical to hide my feelings for men from her. I’m afraid that if I tell her the truth about my sexuality, though, she’ll feel like I’ve been misleading her and I’ll lose her.

What do you think I should do? And do you think I’m kidding myself to think that it’s possible for a gay man and a straight woman to have a happy marriage?

— Confused in Seattle

Dear Confused — Spike thinks it’s absolutely possible for a gay man and a straight woman to have a happy marriage. Just ask Liza Minelli.

As Spike sees it, Confused, there are two kinds of truths when it comes to disclosure in a relationship. There are inconsequential truths (“Just so you know, I hate the color orange.”) and fundamental truths (“Oh, by the way, my first 6 wives all died under mysterious circumstances during our honeymoons.”; “Did I mention that I’m into wife swapping and have invited some friends on our honeymoon?”; “It’s going to be SOOOO great raising our kids in the Aryan Brotherhood!”). Which category your situation falls into depends on what you plan to do (or have done or are currently doing) about your attraction to guys.

See if you can follow Spike here.

In its ideal form, marriage is a lifelong, monogamous commitment between two people who love one another. In reality, everybody fantasizes about sex with someone else from time to time. That’s just human nature. But so long as no one acts on the fantasies then the sanctity of the marriage is preserved (unless, of course, you’re talking strict biblical interpretation, in which case the sin is committed as soon as it’s conceived in the mind, but Spike thinks that’s just stupid because then we might as well go ahead and do every nasty thing that ever pops into our heads because we’re already going to hell for it anyway and should try to get the best seats).

You say that you love your fiancee with all your heart. If that’s the case, then there’s no reason why you shouldn’t marry her...just so long as you’re willing to honor your commitment and think that you can be a faithful, caring, and loving husband to her for the rest of your lives. That would be a true marriage, despite the fact that you’re gay. Hey, some guys like tall blonde chicks. If one of them falls in love with and marries a short brunette does that make their marriage a sham? Hell to the no! And does she need to know that sometimes when you’re boffing her you’re picturing the supple buttocks of Pedro your Mexican pool boy? No. Not any more than you need to know that she’s picturing the exact same thing. In that scenario, the fact that you dig on other guys is inconsequential.

On the other hand, if you’re already smoking the sausage or think that you will at some point, then you have to tell her the truth. And now! Spike understands your desire not to hurt her, but it’s not going to hurt any less tomorrow or next week or in a few years, so get it over with. She deserves to know the truth and it’s the responsible thing to do. And who knows, she might still marry you anyway so you can help her pick out window treatments.

As for whether you could be happily married to a woman you love even though you’re gay? Sure, why not? Such relationships are not without precedent. Spike has a cousin who’s married to a man who just HAS to be gay and they seem quite happy. They like sitting around eating stinky cheese and sipping wine and going on shopping expeditions together. Spike has no idea whether they actually make the two-backed beast from time to time, but they seem contented. Once over cocktails Spike asked his aunt if she’d ever had any concerns about her son-in-law’s sexuality, and she responded, “Hey, so long as he makes her happy and doesn’t cheat, I don’t care if he likes Tom Cruise or Penelope Cruise (to which Spike replied, “And aside from the accent, the difference is....?”).”

And look at Barry Diller and Diane Von Furstenburg. Diller was an incredibly successful and powerful out gay man. There was no benefit for him to enter into a marriage of convenience. He got married because he apparently loves Von Furstenburg. And from all appearances they have a happy, faithful marriage. His attraction to men doesn’t negate his love for his wife or make the marriage invalid. Obviously your situation is different because your intended isn’t aware of your sexuality, but functionally it could be the same.

So what you really need to do is ask yourself whether you can be true to your future wife, despite your attraction to guys. If there’s any doubt, then you need to tell her the truth. You also need to consider whether you’ll begin to resent her over time because the marriage will force you to sublimate your sexual desires (like that isn’t the case for EVERY married man and woman?), or if your secret will prevent you from fully giving yourself to her emotionally. If either is the case, then it’s time to come clean. If not, then Spike suggests you keep your trap shut and go ahead with the wedding.

Now, Spike knows that some people will criticize him for advocating a lack of total honesty, but fuck ‘em. First of all, truth is way overrated. Generally people prefer to believe what they want to believe, and lies that have no consequences hurt no one. Plus, if you love this woman and truly want to spend the rest of your life with her, and only her, then where’s the lie? That’s what marriage is supposed to be about (or is it supposed to be about conforming to expectations, getting lots of presents, and making someone miserable for the rest of their life? Spike always gets those confused.).

So best of luck to you, Confused, and if you decide to go ahead with the wedding be sure to give Spike your address so he can send you a set of Hers and Hers bath towels from Crate & Barrell.

Ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.

Posted by Spike at 08:51 AM

Humor - The Georgia Board of Education has approved the introduction of two literature classes on the Bible in public schools. This makes Georgia the first state to endorse and fund biblical teachings. The two classes are "Literature and History of the Old Testament Era," and "Literature and History of the New Testament Era."

The Board of Education also should consider other courses to supplement the Bible studies:

• Earth - The flattest planet in the Universe

• Paul Bunyan, Johnny Appleseed, Charles Darwin, and other mythological figures

• The physics of magnetic yellow ribbons

• Jefferson Davis - The master who put the master in the Master Race

• An Introduction to the history of NASCAR

• Emerson, Thoreau, Sean Hannity, and the Transcendentalist Movement

• Economics 101 - Controlling world financial markets with a pocket calculator and a copy of “The Protocols of the Elders of Zion”

• From Gomer Pyle to George W. Bush - A study of great sentence fragments

• Science 102 - How things blow up

• Ancient Greek Civilization - Life before the Waffle House

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 01:40 PM

Television - Like millions of people, I’m addicted to Fox’s “24.” Each Monday for 20-some-odd weeks of the year I find myself eagerly looking forward to that night’s thrill ride episode, fully willing to turn myself over to the convoluted plot twists and suspend my disbelief that every terrorist threat takes exactly 24 hours to resolve. Yet this season I find myself suffering from a bit from intrigue fatigue.

It’s not that the quality of the show has diminished. In fact, I think it’s still one of the best written, acted, and plotted shows on TV. It’s just that with each successive season the tension level has gotten ratcheted up another notch and my nerves are getting fried. Frankly, I need a break.

So with that in mind, I offer the producers and writers the following outline for next season: a look into an average day in the life of Counter-Terrorist Unit (CTU) Agent Jack Bauer...without any imminent threat...just so I can get some sleep.

Day 7 Season Outline

Episode 1: 7–8 am — Jack is sleeping in his bed at home.

Episode 2: 8–9 am — Jack wakes up and pees; he goes to the kitchen and makes coffee; while it's brewing he gets the paper; he reads the paper and smokes while he drinks his coffee.

Episode 3: 9–10 am — Jack pees again and has another cigarette; he takes a shower and gets dressed.

Episode 4: 10–11 am — Jack walks to the corner store to get more smokes; he hangs out and plays Keno for a while.

Episode 5: 11 am–12 pm — Jack goes back home and watches “Ellen” while smoking; his expression never changes.

Episode 6: 12–1 pm — Jack makes lunch and eats it while watching “Cops”; he yells at the screen every time the cops make a procedural error.

Episodes 7 & 8: 1–3 pm (2-part special) — Jack dozes off on the couch and misses the thousandth airing of “XXX” with Vin Diesel on Fox; when he wakes up he gets pissed and smokes a cigarette.

Episode 9: 3–4 pm — Jack’s daughter, Kim, calls; Jack sees her number on caller ID and lets the machine get it; he pees again and looks to see if there's anything good in the fridge for a snack; he spends 45 minutes eating Ritz crackers with peanut butter while watching “Oprah.”

Episode 10: 4–5 pm — Jack calls CTU computer-whiz Chloe O’Brien to see what she's doing after work; they make plans to meet; he watches “Judge Judy” and smokes 5 cigarettes.

Episode 11: 5–6 pm — Jack splashes cold water on his face and dramatically watches it dry in the mirror for 5 minutes; he changes clothes and leaves the house; he gets in his car and starts driving; he stops at the corner store and picks up a bag of Skittles.

Episode 12: 6–7 pm — Jack arrives at the bar; Chloe is already there doing kamikaze shots and making a sour face after each one; they exchange stilted small talk.

Episodes 13 & 14: 7–9 pm (2-part special) — Jack and Chloe get hammered and she starts doing imitations of former interim CTU director Lynn McGill; Jack does his imitation of former CTU agent Edgar writhing on the floor and foaming at the mouth after inhaling deadly Sintox nerve gas; Chloe isn't amused; they don't talk for 15 minutes; Jack smokes 10 cigarettes.

Episode 15: 9–10 pm — Karaoke begins and Chloe rushes to the stage and does a blowsy rendition of “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera; there’s not a dry eye in the house; she and Jack exchange sloppy hugs when she gets back to the table and he tells her she is, indeed, beautiful...on the inside; Chloe gives him a dirty look and pouts for a half hour.

Episode 16: 10–11 pm — Jack tries to rouse Chloe’s spirits by suggesting they sing a duet; she resists until he suggests “Hero” by Mariah Carey; Chloe nearly passes out going for a high note and falls off the stage; Jack picks her up and suggests they go home; Jack goes to the bathroom before they leave and calls Chloe’s home phone using an encrypted cell phone and leaves his impression of Edgar’s last breath on her machine; he chuckles all the way back to the table.

Episode 17: 11 pm–12 am — In the parking lot, Chloe tells Jack what a good time she had and gives him a meaningful look; he senses she's going to try to kiss him and fakes his own vomiting; Chloe scowls at him like a wounded chimp because the vomit looks suspiciously like a handful of Skittles; she stomps off without saying good night; after she drives off Jack feels guilty and remotely accesses her answering machine and erases his imitation of Edgar dying.

Episodes 18 & 19: 12–2 am (2-part special) — Jack swills a bottle of vodka and uses the CTU satellite to illegally download Russian porn; he smokes 12 cigarettes and passes out on the living room sofa with his pants around his ankles.

Episode 20–24: 2–7 am — Jack snores loudly on the sofa.

Posted by Spike at 03:14 PM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — I’m a 52-year-old gay man. I’ve got a very nice, comfortable life. A successful career, a nice home, good friends, and all that. For the most part my social life consists of getting together with small groups of friends for dinner or drinks, going to the movies, brunch, shopping, that sort of thing. I rarely go to clubs anymore and I’m fine with that because I don’t feel like that’s really my “scene” anymore. I like the fact that I’ve matured over time and I’d much rather spend my time in a small group discussing politics, or movies, etc... than trying to compete for attention against some cuter, younger guy in a loud club. Maybe it’s not what some people would consider exciting, but I’m very happy with it. I think my life style is age-appropriate and I’m fine with that.

Last week I ran into an old acquaintance who was in town for work. We’re approximately the same age and knew one another back in the early 80s when we both used to hang out at the same club. He suggested we get together a few nights later and hit the town and I agreed, assuming that we’d go for dinner and such. So imagine my surprise when I showed up at his hotel and found him dressed in tight jeans, black leather boots, a leather harness and a leather police hat!

Needless to say I was a bit shocked, but when he suggested we go to one of the local leather bars I went along with it. I figured it might be interesting since I hadn’t been there in years. Well, interesting is an understatement. The place was absolutely packed, primarily with men of our age decked out in all sorts of leather gear. I even saw several men, a few of them in couples, that I thought I knew quite well and who I’d assumed lived lives very similar to my own. It was quite eye-opening.

The next day I happened to run into one of the friends who I’d seen at the bar and he suggested we go for coffee. After about 10 minutes, I finally got up the nerve to ask him what he was doing at the bar, and it turns out that he’s been going there for almost 10 years. And it also turns out that many of my other friends are into the leather scene, as well as things like water sports, bondage, slings, etc.... They just never told me because they thought I’d disapprove. I don’t consider myself a judgmental person, but I have to say that I just don’t understand it. These are all very normal people in everyday life, and I know that back in the days when we all went to clubs together the leather scene was something in which they had no interest. So what’s going on? Is this some sort of natural transition men go through when they hit a certain age? And if so, why don’t I feel the same urge? To me it’s all kind of like playing dress-up. I don’t understand the attraction.

Thanks, Spike. I’d appreciate any insight you can give me.

— Stan, the South End, Boston

Dear Stan — What is it about “advice column” that you people just don’t seem to get? You’re not asking for advice, you’re asking for an opinion. If you want Spike’s opinions, sit next to him in a bar and buy him a few drinks and he’ll give you ALL of them! Jesus Christ, people, get with the program!

But since that prick of a publisher demands that Spike fill at least 10” column inches a week, Spike will grant you his opinion.

First of all, Spike has to admit that he doesn’t get the whole leather thing either. It seems to Spike that any time a harness or assless chaps are required to get someone excited, the sex becomes less about the other person than it does about recreating some esoteric fantasy of the initiator. Of course, Spike has the same opinion about any sorts of costumes and role play, which isn’t to say that they can’t be fun (who DOESN’T love a visit from the occasional “Girl Scout” with hairy legs and deep voice selling “cookies?”), but that when actual sexual attraction becomes secondary to the costume or scene something is off.

Spike also thinks that so much of the leather scene is a farce: a lot of Marys dressing up in their shiny finery to live out some fantasy of butchness. Years ago Spike was ejected from the back room of Boston’s most prominent leather bar because he wasn’t suitably attired. Spike was dressed in jeans, a very tiny black tank top, construction boots, and a demure leather arm band (and had a smoking hot body back then), but he was told that his outfit wasn’t “leather enough.” Yet somehow the fey, mincing queen in the red leather Michael Jackson jacket with the epaulets was allowed to stay? Such hypocrisy and such indignity! Spike has yet to return.

Well, thanks for that pleasant little trip down memory lane, Stan....but back to the point.

Spike suspects that the primary reason many men (and possibly women) gravitate toward leather and kinkier sexual practices as they get older is because they get bored with vanilla. You wouldn’t want to eat the same thing for dinner every night for the rest of your life, would you, Stan? Well, actually you probably would. Based on your exciting life of dinner parties, brunch and shopping, Spike would be willing to bet that when you invite friends over for dinner they think, “Oh joy, chicken breasts, broccoli and some sort of starch!” But most people like a little variety. After sucking dick the same way (and possibly even the same dick the same way) a few hundred times, most guys probably start looking for something new on the menu.

Spike thinks that porn is a good analogy here. When you’re a gay teen, a glimpse of a Sears underwear model or Bjorn Borg’s legs in his short shorts on the cover of Tennis Magazine are enough to get you off. Then a few years later you want to see some actual dick. Then you want to see some sucking and fucking. And before too long, if there aren’t at least a few small farm animals and a midget on a tricycle involved it ain’t gonna do it (of course, Spike is speaking about OTHER people, not himself...except maybe for that part about the Sears underwear models and Bjorn Borg's legs).

Another possible reason is that the leather scene embraces a wider variety of body types, and since wider is the popular direction for most guys’ bodies as they get older, the scene may offer a more comfortable setting for them. And most people love to be around other fatties because it makes them look thinner. How else to explain everyone in the world choosing to duet with Aretha Franklin long after her voice began to sound like a bag of wet cats in heat? Sure, Mr. Leather is always some ripped steroid freak, but the leather scene is really supposed to celebrate masculinity in its purest form. In other words, lumpy, dumpy and with unsightly tufts of hair growing out of everywhere. That seems a pretty apt description for most guys over 45.

Another possible reason is that the older men get, the more the leather begins to complement their natural skin texture.

Frankly, Stan, Spike doesn’t know the answer and doesn’t give a shit. If guys want to dress up like members of the Village People or Little Orphan Annie to get their jollies it’s all fine, so long as Spike doesn’t have to see the pictures.

Now, as for you’re assertion that you don’t consider yourself judgmental, Stan, if you were any more judgmental you’d be wearing a black gown, carrying a gavel and have your own syndicated afternoon show. You don’t understand why your friends are into leather because they’re “all very normal people in everyday life?” What’s not “normal” about dressing in leather? Maybe you’ve been napping for the last 40 years, but life isn’t a Norman Rockwell painting anymore, if it ever really was. The saintly Bill Cosby impregnated a woman who wasn’t his wife. Hugh Grant got caught getting a blow job from a skanky hooker. Bill Clinton got sucked off in the oval office and stopped the intern from finishing him off. Were they also abnormal because they didn’t fit neatly into your little vision of how the world should be? NO (Well, maybe the Clinton thing was. Who would choose to finish himself off when he has some willing cock whore on her knees willing to do it for him?)! People have all sorts of wild and sometimes "perverse" desires and it’s all normal. What’s abnormal is that we’re all supposed to pretend those desires exist. Part of maturing, Stan, is learning to accept differences, and for all your self-heralded maturity, you apparently still haven’t learned that yet. And what’s more, you’re really boring and long-winded. Spike had to keep huffing ephedrine-based nasal spray and holding lit matches to his nipples just to stay awake through your letter (okay, maybe the latter was just for fun).

But since filling column inches is what it’s all about, Spike supposes he should be grateful for your long-ass, tedious letter. He isn’t, but he supposes he should. At least Spike won’t have to endure another endless, excoriating phone call from the publisher during which Spike pretends to listen and appease while browsing pictures of Kenny Rogers look-alikes making love to monkey puppets on the net.

So thanks for writing, and you’re now free to go back to your dull, fun-free existence.

Ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.

Posted by Spike at 11:21 AM

Humor / Politics - Presidential candidate Mitt Romney and his advisers created a 77-slide PowerPoint presentation identifying potential problems for his campaign and possible remedies. Here are some additional recommendations.

Never punish people by making them sit through a 77-page PowerPoint presentation.

Emphasize that his polygamist great-grandfather had sought help for his sexual addiction at Promises Malibu Treatment Center.

Beef up his foreign policy resume by including the week he spent at Club Med - Brigham Young.

Utilize his spouse. Example: Stepford Wives for Mitt.

Point out that his hair, though too perfect-looking, can stop a bullet at point blank range.

Only change his views on abortion and homosexuality on odd or even days.

Demonstrate his strong position against illegal immigrants by disarming a landscaper of his leaf blower.

Emphasize his new-found aversion to all things French by encouraging women to buy only liberty cut underwear.

Don’t let people from his distant past come back to haunt him – like the citizens of Massachusetts.

Cancel his “Dancing with the Stars” appearance with Susan Sarandon.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 09:27 AM