As Spike sees it, Confused, there are two kinds of truths when it comes to disclosure in a relationship. There are inconsequential truths (“Just so you know, I hate the color orange.”) and fundamental truths (“Oh, by the way, my first 6 wives all died under mysterious circumstances during our honeymoons.”; “Did I mention that I’m into wife swapping and have invited some friends on our honeymoon?”; “It’s going to be SOOOO great raising our kids in the Aryan Brotherhood!”). Which category your situation falls into depends on what you plan to do (or have done or are currently doing) about your attraction to guys.

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In its ideal form, marriage is a lifelong, monogamous commitment between two people who love one another. In reality, everybody fantasizes about sex with someone else from time to time. That’s just human nature. But so long as no one acts on the fantasies then the sanctity of the marriage is preserved (unless, of course, you’re talking strict biblical interpretation, in which case the sin is committed as soon as it’s conceived in the mind, but Spike thinks that’s just stupid because then we might as well go ahead and do every nasty thing that ever pops into our heads because we’re already going to hell for it anyway and should try to get the best seats).

You say that you love your fiancee with all your heart. If that’s the case, then there’s no reason why you shouldn’t marry her...just so long as you’re willing to honor your commitment and think that you can be a faithful, caring, and loving husband to her for the rest of your lives. That would be a true marriage, despite the fact that you’re gay. Hey, some guys like tall blonde chicks. If one of them falls in love with and marries a short brunette does that make their marriage a sham? Hell to the no! And does she need to know that sometimes when you’re boffing her you’re picturing the supple buttocks of Pedro your Mexican pool boy? No. Not any more than you need to know that she’s picturing the exact same thing. In that scenario, the fact that you dig on other guys is inconsequential.

On the other hand, if you’re already smoking the sausage or think that you will at some point, then you have to tell her the truth. And now! Spike understands your desire not to hurt her, but it’s not going to hurt any less tomorrow or next week or in a few years, so get it over with. She deserves to know the truth and it’s the responsible thing to do. And who knows, she might still marry you anyway so you can help her pick out window treatments.

As for whether you could be happily married to a woman you love even though you’re gay? Sure, why not? Such relationships are not without precedent. Spike has a cousin who’s married to a man who just HAS to be gay and they seem quite happy. They like sitting around eating stinky cheese and sipping wine and going on shopping expeditions together. Spike has no idea whether they actually make the two-backed beast from time to time, but they seem contented. Once over cocktails Spike asked his aunt if she’d ever had any concerns about her son-in-law’s sexuality, and she responded, “Hey, so long as he makes her happy and doesn’t cheat, I don’t care if he likes Tom Cruise or Penelope Cruise (to which Spike replied, “And aside from the accent, the difference is....?”).”

And look at Barry Diller and Diane Von Furstenburg. Diller was an incredibly successful and powerful out gay man. There was no benefit for him to enter into a marriage of convenience. He got married because he apparently loves Von Furstenburg. And from all appearances they have a happy, faithful marriage. His attraction to men doesn’t negate his love for his wife or make the marriage invalid. Obviously your situation is different because your intended isn’t aware of your sexuality, but functionally it could be the same.

So what you really need to do is ask yourself whether you can be true to your future wife, despite your attraction to guys. If there’s any doubt, then you need to tell her the truth. You also need to consider whether you’ll begin to resent her over time because the marriage will force you to sublimate your sexual desires (like that isn’t the case for EVERY married man and woman?), or if your secret will prevent you from fully giving yourself to her emotionally. If either is the case, then it’s time to come clean. If not, then Spike suggests you keep your trap shut and go ahead with the wedding.

Now, Spike knows that some people will criticize him for advocating a lack of total honesty, but fuck ‘em. First of all, truth is way overrated. Generally people prefer to believe what they want to believe, and lies that have no consequences hurt no one. Plus, if you love this woman and truly want to spend the rest of your life with her, and only her, then where’s the lie? That’s what marriage is supposed to be about (or is it supposed to be about conforming to expectations, getting lots of presents, and making someone miserable for the rest of their life? Spike always gets those confused.).

So best of luck to you, Confused, and if you decide to go ahead with the wedding be sure to give Spike your address so he can send you a set of Hers and Hers bath towels from Crate & Barrell.

Ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.