The Old [EDIT] in the [EDIT] Trick
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the [EDIT] President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Readers — Welcome to the new, kinder, gentler era of Spike. In response to a threatened drop by the site’s one and only sponsor, Randy’s Auto Parts and Buffalo Wing Emporium, the mother[EDIT] publisher has asked Spike to tone down the use of “rough language, unnecessary vulgarity, graphic sexual content, and references to alcohol and drug use” in his columns. And so, in an effort to be a good team player, we shall try to be accommodating.
Unfortunately, this column was already written, and since Spike has far more important things to do with his time than than rewrite [EDIT] that he’s already written once, he’s chosen to simply mark potentially offensive content with [EDIT]. — Spike
Dear Spike — I really need some advice. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about six months. At first he seemed completely normal, but about a month ago he started to get really [EDIT]. Now, every time we’re in bed he tries to stick a [EDIT] in my [EDIT]. It’s not that it hurts or anything, but it makes me kind of uncomfortable because it’s really slimy. It feels like a giant [EDIT] and I’m getting pretty grossed out.
Have you ever come across anything like this before? How do I tell him without hurting his feelings that his [EDIT] is making me sick?
— Jeremy in Witchita, KS
Dear Jeremy — Spike can certainly understand your discomfort. Sticking a [EDIT] in a [EDIT] is kind of like [EDIT] a [EDIT] in a [EDIT]. A proper lady would never do such a thing. Particularly because the seeds, crust and rhinestones get all over the silk sheets.
The short term solution to your problem is really quite simple. The next time he starts to reach for the [EDIT] just say, “Excuse me, baby. I really enjoy it when you [EDIT] me with your [EDIT], but I’m afraid I’m not really into the whole [EDIT] in my [EDIT] thing. I hope you don’t mind.” Unless the guy is a total selfish [EDIT] he can’t help but accede to your wishes that he stop with the [EDIT] in your [EDIT].
Long term, however, his sudden interest in [EDIT] may be a sign of far more elaborate kinkiness to come. This kind of thing can be a gateway to all manner of [EDIT], and although you’re closing the gate for now, it doesn’t mean that the desire for [EDIT] will cease. In fact, with repression it will probably just grow stronger. That’s just the nature of [EDIT]. The more one gets it the more one wants it, and the less one gets it the more one wants it. It’s a lot like [EDIT] in that way.
So what can you do about the long term future, assuming that the two of you stay together? Well, one thing you could do is try to learn to enjoy it. Perhaps by practicing on your own with a [EDIT] you could become more comfortable with, or even learn to enjoy, the experience. Hostess, Playtex, and Johnson & Johnson all make excellent [EDIT] that you could use for practice. Doing so, however, could have one of two results: it may allow him to indulge his [EDIT] impulses just enough that he can keep them under control, or it may start a snowball effect and before long you’ll find yourself in a [EDIT] with your [EDIT] above your [EDIT] and a [EDIT] in your [EDIT]. Spike doesn’t think any of us want THAT to happen, now do we?
Spike suggest you open a dialogue about his [EDIT]. Try not to judge, but let him know that it’s just not something you’re into. Perhaps through discussion you can begin to understand his interest in [EDIT] and maybe even see why it might be fun. Who knows, before too long you may find yourself wanting to [EDIT] his [EDIT] with a [EDIT], too. Or maybe not.
Anyway, after all this talk of [EDIT], Spike is just dying for a [EDIT]. In fact, he’s feeling so [EDIT] that he might just [EDIT] 10 or 12 [EDIT] and then [EDIT] for good measure.
So ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
