Thinking 'Bout the Leather
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I’m a 52-year-old gay man. I’ve got a very nice, comfortable life. A successful career, a nice home, good friends, and all that. For the most part my social life consists of getting together with small groups of friends for dinner or drinks, going to the movies, brunch, shopping, that sort of thing. I rarely go to clubs anymore and I’m fine with that because I don’t feel like that’s really my “scene” anymore. I like the fact that I’ve matured over time and I’d much rather spend my time in a small group discussing politics, or movies, etc... than trying to compete for attention against some cuter, younger guy in a loud club. Maybe it’s not what some people would consider exciting, but I’m very happy with it. I think my life style is age-appropriate and I’m fine with that.
Last week I ran into an old acquaintance who was in town for work. We’re approximately the same age and knew one another back in the early 80s when we both used to hang out at the same club. He suggested we get together a few nights later and hit the town and I agreed, assuming that we’d go for dinner and such. So imagine my surprise when I showed up at his hotel and found him dressed in tight jeans, black leather boots, a leather harness and a leather police hat!
Needless to say I was a bit shocked, but when he suggested we go to one of the local leather bars I went along with it. I figured it might be interesting since I hadn’t been there in years. Well, interesting is an understatement. The place was absolutely packed, primarily with men of our age decked out in all sorts of leather gear. I even saw several men, a few of them in couples, that I thought I knew quite well and who I’d assumed lived lives very similar to my own. It was quite eye-opening.
The next day I happened to run into one of the friends who I’d seen at the bar and he suggested we go for coffee. After about 10 minutes, I finally got up the nerve to ask him what he was doing at the bar, and it turns out that he’s been going there for almost 10 years. And it also turns out that many of my other friends are into the leather scene, as well as things like water sports, bondage, slings, etc.... They just never told me because they thought I’d disapprove. I don’t consider myself a judgmental person, but I have to say that I just don’t understand it. These are all very normal people in everyday life, and I know that back in the days when we all went to clubs together the leather scene was something in which they had no interest. So what’s going on? Is this some sort of natural transition men go through when they hit a certain age? And if so, why don’t I feel the same urge? To me it’s all kind of like playing dress-up. I don’t understand the attraction.
Thanks, Spike. I’d appreciate any insight you can give me.
— Stan, the South End, Boston
Dear Stan — What is it about “advice column” that you people just don’t seem to get? You’re not asking for advice, you’re asking for an opinion. If you want Spike’s opinions, sit next to him in a bar and buy him a few drinks and he’ll give you ALL of them! Jesus Christ, people, get with the program!
But since that prick of a publisher demands that Spike fill at least 10” column inches a week, Spike will grant you his opinion.
First of all, Spike has to admit that he doesn’t get the whole leather thing either. It seems to Spike that any time a harness or assless chaps are required to get someone excited, the sex becomes less about the other person than it does about recreating some esoteric fantasy of the initiator. Of course, Spike has the same opinion about any sorts of costumes and role play, which isn’t to say that they can’t be fun (who DOESN’T love a visit from the occasional “Girl Scout” with hairy legs and deep voice selling “cookies?”), but that when actual sexual attraction becomes secondary to the costume or scene something is off.
Spike also thinks that so much of the leather scene is a farce: a lot of Marys dressing up in their shiny finery to live out some fantasy of butchness. Years ago Spike was ejected from the back room of Boston’s most prominent leather bar because he wasn’t suitably attired. Spike was dressed in jeans, a very tiny black tank top, construction boots, and a demure leather arm band (and had a smoking hot body back then), but he was told that his outfit wasn’t “leather enough.” Yet somehow the fey, mincing queen in the red leather Michael Jackson jacket with the epaulets was allowed to stay? Such hypocrisy and such indignity! Spike has yet to return.
Well, thanks for that pleasant little trip down memory lane, Stan....but back to the point.
Spike suspects that the primary reason many men (and possibly women) gravitate toward leather and kinkier sexual practices as they get older is because they get bored with vanilla. You wouldn’t want to eat the same thing for dinner every night for the rest of your life, would you, Stan? Well, actually you probably would. Based on your exciting life of dinner parties, brunch and shopping, Spike would be willing to bet that when you invite friends over for dinner they think, “Oh joy, chicken breasts, broccoli and some sort of starch!” But most people like a little variety. After sucking dick the same way (and possibly even the same dick the same way) a few hundred times, most guys probably start looking for something new on the menu.
Spike thinks that porn is a good analogy here. When you’re a gay teen, a glimpse of a Sears underwear model or Bjorn Borg’s legs in his short shorts on the cover of Tennis Magazine are enough to get you off. Then a few years later you want to see some actual dick. Then you want to see some sucking and fucking. And before too long, if there aren’t at least a few small farm animals and a midget on a tricycle involved it ain’t gonna do it (of course, Spike is speaking about OTHER people, not himself...except maybe for that part about the Sears underwear models and Bjorn Borg's legs).
Another possible reason is that the leather scene embraces a wider variety of body types, and since wider is the popular direction for most guys’ bodies as they get older, the scene may offer a more comfortable setting for them. And most people love to be around other fatties because it makes them look thinner. How else to explain everyone in the world choosing to duet with Aretha Franklin long after her voice began to sound like a bag of wet cats in heat? Sure, Mr. Leather is always some ripped steroid freak, but the leather scene is really supposed to celebrate masculinity in its purest form. In other words, lumpy, dumpy and with unsightly tufts of hair growing out of everywhere. That seems a pretty apt description for most guys over 45.
Another possible reason is that the older men get, the more the leather begins to complement their natural skin texture.
Frankly, Stan, Spike doesn’t know the answer and doesn’t give a shit. If guys want to dress up like members of the Village People or Little Orphan Annie to get their jollies it’s all fine, so long as Spike doesn’t have to see the pictures.
Now, as for you’re assertion that you don’t consider yourself judgmental, Stan, if you were any more judgmental you’d be wearing a black gown, carrying a gavel and have your own syndicated afternoon show. You don’t understand why your friends are into leather because they’re “all very normal people in everyday life?” What’s not “normal” about dressing in leather? Maybe you’ve been napping for the last 40 years, but life isn’t a Norman Rockwell painting anymore, if it ever really was. The saintly Bill Cosby impregnated a woman who wasn’t his wife. Hugh Grant got caught getting a blow job from a skanky hooker. Bill Clinton got sucked off in the oval office and stopped the intern from finishing him off. Were they also abnormal because they didn’t fit neatly into your little vision of how the world should be? NO (Well, maybe the Clinton thing was. Who would choose to finish himself off when he has some willing cock whore on her knees willing to do it for him?)! People have all sorts of wild and sometimes "perverse" desires and it’s all normal. What’s abnormal is that we’re all supposed to pretend those desires exist. Part of maturing, Stan, is learning to accept differences, and for all your self-heralded maturity, you apparently still haven’t learned that yet. And what’s more, you’re really boring and long-winded. Spike had to keep huffing ephedrine-based nasal spray and holding lit matches to his nipples just to stay awake through your letter (okay, maybe the latter was just for fun).
But since filling column inches is what it’s all about, Spike supposes he should be grateful for your long-ass, tedious letter. He isn’t, but he supposes he should. At least Spike won’t have to endure another endless, excoriating phone call from the publisher during which Spike pretends to listen and appease while browsing pictures of Kenny Rogers look-alikes making love to monkey puppets on the net.
So thanks for writing, and you’re now free to go back to your dull, fun-free existence.
Ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
