The Pathetic Story of Phil
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I’ve gotten myself into a situation I don’t know how to get out of. Back when I first started dating my boyfriend I had a one night drunken fling with a guy I met while I was traveling. I’d only been dating my boyfriend for a few weeks at that point and technically we’d never made any kind of commitment to one another so I never said anything about it. We’ve been together for almost 4 years now and I haven’t been with another guy since that time.
Last week I started having a burning sensation whenever I urinated and there was some discharge so I went to my doctor figuring it was some sort of bacterial infection. Instead I found out I had syphilis. Since I knew I hadn’t been with anyone else I asked my boyfriend and he broke down and admitted that he’d cheated on me the week before. He said it was the only time it had ever happened and I believe him.
So here’s where the problem comes in. He was absolutely wracked with guilt. He kept breaking into tears and pleading with me not to leave him. To me it was actually no big deal. I wasn’t happy about it, but I wasn’t all that upset either. It didn’t make me question whether he loved me. Anyway, he was so upset that finally I decided to tell him about my fling in hopes that it would make him feel better to know that I’d also had one indiscretion.
It was like someone threw a switch. He went from tears to complete rage in a half second. He accused me of being a liar and said he couldn’t understand how I could have done that and not told him. He said our entire relationship was built on a lie.
Logically I know that this is all screwed up, that we’re guilty of the exact same thing, but now I’m on the defensive. He questions me about everything and wants to know in detail where I am every minute of the day. He says that I’m going to have to earn his trust all over again.
I really love him and want to work this out. What can I do to restore his trust and bring things back to where they were?
— Phil B., Cambridge, MA
Dear Phil — You narc-ed yourself out for a petty, 4-year-old one-nighter to make your boyfriend feel better about CHEATING ON YOU AND GIVING YOU A VENEREAL DISEASE? Wow. Did you also write an apology letter to the priest who molested you when you were six because you were wearing those provocative Spider-Man Underoos that one time at sleepover camp? Congratulations, Phil. You are officially the stupidest person ever to write Spike a letter...and probably the stupidest even capable of writing a letter at all.
Spike isn’t sure why he should even waste time trying to help you since it’s doubtlful that you can understand complete sentences (or walk and breathe at the same time), but because Spike is a helper (and because that fucking publisher won’t get off Spike’s back to fill space), he shall do what he can.
There are a few issues here, Phil. The first is that you’re a fucking idiot. You need to record the thought process that went through your little pea brain to bring you to the decision to confess...then send it to the Smithsonian so they can preserve it alongside Custer’s battle plans for Little Big Horn, New Coke, Gary Cherone as lead singer for Van Halen, and all the other stupidest ideas in history. Jesus, Phil, you were in a position to claim moral authority in the relationship and you pissed it away. Don’t you understand how many guys spend their whole lives trying to gain that sort of hand?
The second issue is that you’re pathetic. You say that you and your boyfriend are “guilty of the exact same thing.” How do you figure? You had a little fling at the very beginning of the relationship, before you’d even made a commitment to one another. He cheated on you after FOUR YEARS and gave you syphilis! Where’s the equality in that, Phil? And just how low is your self-esteem that you’re willing to give him a pass and accept all the blame for yourself? You’re such a loser that if you were in prison even the pedophiles would be allowed to rape you.
Spike’s first suggestion is that you just disappear. End the relationship, quit your job, throw away your cell phone, and go somewhere where actual humans won’t have to come into contact with you.
But since you probably won’t take that advice, if you really want to fix the situation, try not being such a pussy. Spike knows this will be hard for you because it will require that you pretend to actually HAVE some dignity, but try faking a little righteous indignation and anger.
The next time cheater-boy tries to twist the guilt screws or exert his control over you, just shake your head and say, “I don’t think so.” And when he begins to sputter and turn red, hold up your hand and say, “I’m done with this bullshit. What I did happened 4 years ago and I’ve been completely faithful since. YOU’RE the one who fucked around on ME and gave me an STD. If anyone can’t be trusted in this relationship it’s you. Now, I’m willing to forgive and forget and go back to the way things were, but if that’s not good enough for you then you need to get the fuck out of my life because I’m tired of being your butt monkey! And if you ever, ever cheat on me again (at this point you’ll need to get right in his face and try to turn the normal mewling whimper of your voice into something resembling a threatening hiss), I will bring a world of hurt tumbling down on your sorry ass.”
Will this actually work? Probably not. Spike suspects that the latest episode is just symptomatic of the whole sick dynamic of your relationship that’s been developing for four long years. The reality is that you probably ought to enter a witness protection program, change your name and move away to escape. But at least it would be a first step toward actually asserting yourself and having some self-esteem. You might find you actually like it and the next time you enter into a relationship you might do it standing upright instead of crawling and groveling in the pig shit.
Best of luck, Phil. You’ll need it.
So ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
