Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — This past weekend I was at a local grocery store. In front of me in the checkout line were two girls in their mid-teens. After they emptied their cart they left it blocking the aisle, preventing me from moving forward and unloading my own cart. After waiting a few moments to see if they would extend this courtesy to me, I pushed their cart forward a foot. At that point one of the girls turned to me and said, “If that had hit me I’d have come back there and beat your ass.”

I was stunned. Not only was I surprised that the girl had interpreted my move as aggressive, but I was completely shocked that a young woman would speak to me like that. I’m a 55-year-old man.

Although I was angry I decided to ignore the girl. Then she and her friend began commenting on the items in my carriage, noting that I had a large number of Lean Cuisines. Then the girl said, very loudly, “I bet he’s a faggot.” I wanted to say something or slap her across the face, but instead held my tongue and ignored them until they were gone. I knew that if I spoke up things would only escalate and that if I made any sort of move to physically discipline the girl I would be the one who ended up in jail.

The whole experience really left me feeling rattled and a little humiliated. I felt like I was back in grammar school being bullied on the playground. I just can’t believe that this sort of behavior is acceptable among today’s teenagers. Since when are adults not figures of authority?

What should I do if I ever find myself in a similar situation again?

— Dismayed in Dorchester

Dear Dismayed — You got verbally bitch-slapped by a teenage girl and you feel only “a little humiliated?” What would it take to make you feel completely humiliated? Being robbed and beaten by a gang of kindergarteners? Where’s your dignity, man?

Not too long ago Spike was in a similar situation. He was walking behind a teenage boy and his girlfriend when the boy threw a soda cup over a fence and into the yard of a church. Spike immediately called out, “Hey, you dropped something.” When the boy and girl turned they gave Spike the once-over and made matching faces like they smelled something bad. Then the boy asked, “Why don’t you mind your own fucking business?” Spike knew he was in one of those situations that might more prudently be handled by walking away, but since Spike just can’t abide litter or a lack of courtesy, instead he replied, “Why don’t you get back here and pick up your trash before I put my boot up your ass?”

Realizing that he’d come up against something he’d never encountered before—an adult who didn’t give a shit about his feelings and self-esteem—the boy sheepishly came back and picked up the trash, for which Spike thanked him before continuing on his way (because Spike believes in being polite and in acknowledging proper, acquiescent behavior).

So is that what you should have done? Stood your ground and acted like an adult? Probably not, because you’re not Spike and you don’t live in Newton. In your neighborhood you’d likely have gotten shot or cut with a switchblade. Plus, as Spike said, you’re not Spike.

You see, Dismayed, some people have natural authority and some don’t. Spike suspects you don’t. We all remember certain teachers throughout our school years with whom you knew you just shouldn’t fuck. It wasn’t that they were physically imposing or that there was any evidence that they’d ever actually beaten a student to death, it was just that they possessed a natural, unquestioning certainty that they were in charge. As kids we sensed that, in the same way that we sensed which teachers and other students could be bullied and humiliated.

One doesn’t see much of that natural authority anymore. Nowadays people seem more concerned with being liked than being respected. And it also comes largely from the fact that at some point growing older became a bad thing in our culture and everyone decided they wanted to stay young forever (you know, 40 is the new 20, etc....). The problem with that is that when adults decided to embrace perpetual youth they traded off the natural authority and gravitas that should come with age. Essentially they abdicated their rightful place at the top of the food chain and chose to stay on the “playground” as you put it.

Be honest, Dismayed, when you had your little encounter you weren’t dressed like a 55-year-old man, were you? You were probably wearing baggy shorts and a t-shirt more appropriate for a teenager, right? And you expected to get respect dressed like that?

Let’s face it, kids today are very different than when we were growing up. They have a sense of entitlement that leads them to react negatively whenever they perceive criticism or someone tries to assert authority over them. In part that comes from the fact that they’ve grown up during a time of uninterrupted prosperity in our country. But mainly it’s the result of shitty parenting and teaching. It comes down to what Spike calls the “Everybody Gets a Gold Star” mentality which has resulted in an unprecedented level of self-centeredness and narcissism in today’s kids.

According to a Feb 27 story by the Associated Press, five psychologists just released the findings of a study that evaluated 16,475 college students nationwide between 1982 and 2006 using a standardized test called the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI). The NPI asks for responses to such statements as “If I ruled the world, it would be a better place,” “I think I am a special person” and “I can live my life any way I want to.” According to the study, in 2006 two-thirds of the students had above average scores, an increase of 30% from 1982.

The researchers place the blame for the increase on a combination of permissive parenting, the rise of technology like MySpace and YouTube that encourage attention-seeking, and the “self-esteem movement” that emerged in the 1980s.

According to the study’s lead author, Professor Jean Twenge of San Diego State University, efforts to build self-confidence in kids have gone too far.

“We need to stop endlessly repeating ‘You’re special’ and having children repeat that back,” she said . “Kids are self-centered enough already.”

As an example, she cited a song commonly sung to the tune of “Frere Jacques” in preschool: “I am special, I am special. Look at me.”

When Spike was a kid, that’s not the way it was. We felt we had to earn praise and work hard for rewards. We also didn’t feel that we had just one set of parents. We knew that we answered to every adult in the neighborhood and beyond. And one of the things that kept us in line was the fear that if we did something wrong Mrs. Moore was going to poke her head out the window and scream our names, followed by the inevitable and terrifying “I’m going to call your parents.” And if the offense was bad enough, she’d come out in her housecoat and smack your ass herself. It was sort of like that thing Hillary Clinton wrote about it taking the Village People to raise a child. That whole community parenting dynamic is gone now. Everyone is afraid of lawsuits and confrontation so all the child rearing is left just to the parents, and as soon as a kid is out of the house they feel that they can behave however they like without consequences.

So what can you do if you’re ever faced with a similar situation again? Well, you have a few choices.

One is to ignore it as you did. The upside of that approach, as you noted, is that it keeps the situation from escalating and ensures that you don’t go to jail for assault. Unfortunately it also leaves you feeling emasculated and frustrated.

The second approach is to really embrace your decision to not grow up and respond in kind. The girl you encountered was running a power trip on you. She clearly had a chip on her shoulder that caused her to interpret your pushing the cart as a sign of disrespect. Her response was to try to demean you by threatening you and calling you names in public, knowing that you didn’t really have any recourse.

To respond in kind, you could have said, “Yeah, if I thought you could get your fat ass past that cart I MIGHT be scared.”

The upside of this approach is that it would momentarily make you feel superior. The downside is that when she actually did squeeze her fat ass past the cart you’d be in deep shit, because while you might be channeling your inner child, the courts still consider you an adult and they seem to frown on adults who get into physical confrontations with children.

The right approach would have been to behave as an adult, which means treating the other person with respect but making it clear what your expectations are for them. This is the approach Spike used with the teenage litter bug. Spike first gave the boy a chance to rectify his transgression by helpfully pointing out that the youth had “dropped something.” There was no accusation that it had been a willful act. In fact, Spike assumed it was totally unconscious and hoped the boy would realize his mistake and gratefully take responsibility for it. It was only when the boy reacted with anger that Spike threatened to boot his ass.

In your case, when the girl left the cart blocking the aisle you should not have moved it yourself, because while you were probably trying to avoid a confrontation, you actually created one by making her feel disrespected. By just moving the cart you were essentially saying that you didn’t believe she would have the courtesy to move it herself if it were pointed out to her. That was discourteous on your part.

You should have said, “Excuse me, would you mind moving your cart forward?” in a direct but pleasant manner. This would haven given the girl a chance to realize her lack of courtesy and correct it, thus maintaining her dignity. You would have been treating her with respect.

If she then came back at you with a threat or profanity you would have been fully justified in saying, “Look bitch, just move the cart or I’ll shove it up your ass” or something to that effect. Then you could have run for the parking lot before she could reach you since Spike doubts you could have pulled that off with the necessary level of menace and believability. But at least you wouldn’t be left feeling like a TOTAL pussy.

Well, time for Spike's milk bath and aroma therapy.

So ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.

Posted by Spike at 01:31 PM

Humor - Rosie O'Donnell's tenure on "The View" was shorter than expected. The big question now is: What’s next after “Estro-mania”? Her options are endless:

• Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell Arbitration and Mediation Center – “No dispute is too big to resolve.”

• The theatre event of the season! Rosie O'Donnell’s one-woman show: “My Name is Starr Jones”

• Today, Rosie O'Donnell christened her newest cruise ship, the S.S. Harvey Fierstein.

• In this month’s issue of Rosie II Magazine: 101 sure-fire sex tips guaranteed to turn on Rosie O'Donnell

• “I gained 30 pounds in only SIX WEEKS while on the O'Donnell Diet Plan. Thanks Rosie!”

• This week on ABC’s “20/20”: Barbara Walters talks to Rosie O'Donnell and the Dali Lama about their new organic jello shot franchise.

• Today, Rosie O'Donnell announced she would “not sleep until I rip Kelly Ripa a new one.”

• “American Idol” announced next season Rosie O'Donnell and Ruben Studdard will serve as judges in its new heavyweight division.

• Rosie O'Donnell and her wife Kelli Carpenter signed a contract to write a children’s book titled “Jenny Has a Mom and a Loud Abrasive Mom.”

• Rosie O'Donnell has signed to endorse “Alec Baldwin’s Frozen Microwavable Sperm.” Said O'Donnell: “I use it. My friends use it. This stuff puts David Crosby to shame!”

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 10:07 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — My best friend is prone to very strong opinions. When he likes something he REALLY likes it, and when he dislikes something he HATES it. And he’s equally strident in his feelings about people. It seems like he’s always feuding with one person or another.

By comparison I’m very moderate, particularly when it comes to disliking people. For me to hate someone they have to do something pretty bad to me or someone I care about. Most of the people my friend hates are people I have no particular feelings about one way or the other. A few of them are annoying, and a few I kind of like, but for the most part I don’t have strong feelings. I could take them or leave them. My friend, however, seems to feel that if I don’t share his opinions about people then I’m being disloyal to him, so I find myself agreeing with him just to keep the peace.

I’m not quite sure what to do. Should I be honest when I disagree with him or when I don’t have a strong feeling about someone, or am I obligated to side with him in his feuds because that’s what friendship is all about?

— Brad in Chicago

Dear Brad — Not only are you obligated to side with him in his feuds, but you are also obligated to share his exact tastes in food, movies, TV shows, music, politics, clothes, and home furnishings.

Seriously, what kind of stupid-ass question is that, you spineless pillock? What you’re describing isn’t a friendship. It’s a narcissistic hostage situation in which you play the part of the captive mirror. If your “friend” wants someone who shares only his opinions, tell him to do what every other egotistical, self-centered prick does: move to Hollywood and hire a personal assistant...or marry Katie Holmes.

Dear Spike — My best friend, Scott, and I have been friends for almost 20 years, since we were in elementary school. We’ve seen one another through both good times and bad times. Like with most long term relationships there have been some ebbs and flows, but I’ve always considered that to be normal and healthy. Through it all, though, our friendship has always remained strong and intact.

In the past few months, though, things have changed. Scott met a guy about a year ago and in the past few months their relationship has really intensified. Now they’re going to move in together. I guess that this leaves me feeling a bit left out. It’s not that I don’t still see Scott and talk to him as much as ever, but I feel like I’m no longer the primary person in his life. I feel like I’ve been replaced by his boyfriend.

The thing is, I’m actually very happy for Scott. I want him to be happy and I think his boyfriend is great. In fact sometimes when Scott is busy I get together with his boyfriend and we have a really good time together. Still, I do feel a bit left out. I guess I’d imagined that we’d both remain single for the rest of our lives and eventually end up sitting on the porch of the old folks’ homes nursing our martinis together.

I’m not really sure why I’m writing. I know there’s really nothing I can do. I certainly don’t want to break up Scott’s relationship. But is there some way I can think about things that might make me feel less like I’ve been left behind?

—Discarded Best Friend, Dorchester, MA

Dear Discarded — Why does Spike feel like he just read the plot synopsis for “Chuck & Buck?” Can you say “emotionally retarded” (or do we say “emotionally mentally challenged” these days?)? Thanks SOOOO much for writing because it always makes Spike feel much better about himself when he reads letters from really pathetic people...especially people who live close by.

Perhaps Spike misread the beginning of your letter, Discarded, since he thought you said your “best friend, Scott,” not your “ex-lover-who-I’ve-never-gotten-over, Scott,” or “the-man-who-I’ve-secretly-always-loved, Scott,” because it seems clear that what you’re feeling is JEALOUSY: jealousy that you no longer have Scott to yourself; jealousy that Scott has moved forward in his life and you haven’t; and perhaps jealousy that Scott’s boyfriend isn’t you.

Tell me, Discarded, in your vision of life at the old folks home, were you and Scott combing the manes of your My Pretty Ponies while you were sipping your martinis, by any chance? Because what you describe sounds like some arrested adolescent fantasy where things never change and you and Scott will be best friends (or more) forever. That’s just a tad unrealistic.

Sure it would have been great if Rudolph had stayed cute and little and hung out with Herbie the Elf and Yukon Cornelius forever, but he had to grow up, get gawky looking, and hook up with Clarice. That’s just the way life is. It moves on and circumstances change. Besides, it was never clear how he was going to fit into that whole kinky bear/twink thing that was obviously developing between Cornelius and Herbie anyway.

So Spike suggests that you just accept the fact that your relationship with Scott has changed and that it will likely never be the way it was again. Not to say that you and Scott can’t or won’t still be important to one another, just that you won’t be the most important person to him from now on. And THAT is what’s really “normal and healthy.”

And perhaps, if you can accept all that and let go of the past, you may be able to find a new primary someone for yourself. If not, maybe if you ask nicely, Scott and his boyfriend will buy a king size bed and let you sleep at the foot of it with them.

Anyway, best of luck, Discarded.

Ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.

Posted by Spike at 07:44 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — I’m a 50-year-old married man with two grown sons who also happens to be gay. I guess I have sort of a dual life. I have my comfortable life in the suburbs with my wife and one of my sons (who we can’t seem to get out of the house), and then I have my life with my gay friends, going out to dinner and for drinks, or to an occasional party or night at the clubs. It’s not something my wife and I have ever talked about, but I think that on some level she knows. She never pries into what I’m doing on the nights I’m “working late” and I take care not to bring my obviously gay friends around the house. I should also mention that I’ve never cheated on her. Although I’m gay, I love my wife and I take my commitment to her very seriously.

Here’s my problem. The other night a friend and I went to a gay bar in the city and I saw my next door neighbor...and he saw me. Needless to say I was flustered and left immediately without talking to him. He’s in his mid-40s and lives alone. I suspected he was gay before, but now obviously I’m sure.

My neighbor and I have a cordial relationship, but we’re certainly not friends. Just the sort of thing where if we’re both out in our yards we’ll chat for a few minutes. He seems like a nice guy, though, and he’s a great neighbor. His house and yard are always well tended, he doesn’t throw loud parties, and he even makes sure the storm drains near our houses are clear after it snows or during heavy rain.

Since I saw him, however, I’ve been paranoid that he might say something to my wife or son or one of our other neighbors. Logically I know there’s no reason why he would, but since I don’t know him very well I can’t be sure.

How should I broach the subject with him? On some level I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain myself to him, but I also feel compelled to let him know that I’m not cheating on my wife for her sake. I don’t want him thinking that she’s being cuckholded. Or do you think I should just say nothing and assume that he’ll be discreet enough not to say anything to anyone?

— Closeted Hubby, Metrowest, MA

Dear Closeted — Spike suggests that you go to his house immediately....with $100,000 in small, unmarked bills. And be sure to give him Spike’s address so he can send Spike his “finder’s fee.”

Seriously, Spike doubts that you have anything to worry about, but he understands your concern, so let’s assess the likelihood that your hot neighbor (supposition, since all neighbor guys seem to be hot...except for Spike’s) might spill your beans.

As Spike sees it there are 3 possible motivations for him to out you:

1) He just likes to gossip.

Generally people who gossip do so for one of two reasons: to prove that they have access to information that others don’t (thereby implying that they have power); or to feel better about themselves by sharing information that puts others in a negative light.

While it’s remotely possible that your neighbor could be motivated by the first reason, that sort of thing is most common in office situations where those on the lowest rung of the ladder try to establish dominance over all the other powerless minions by sharing secrets about those with actual power. Picture Gladys the receptionist holding court in the alcove in front of the building during “coffee breaks,” gesturing imperiously with her cigarette as she reveals which mid-level executive has been receiving frequent calls from a woman who isn’t his wife to all the other secretaries and the mail guy...or Scooter Libby in front of the Grand Jury. Unless your neighbor is angling to be head of the Community Watch, there’s really no power to be gained for him, so that motivation seems unlikely.

Spike also doesn’t see the second motivation as being likely since in outing you your neighbor would also be outing himself, so any “negative light” he cast on you would be shared, which won’t make him feel any better about himself. Of course there’s the added implication that you’re cheating on your wife, but we’ll get back to that.

2) He just doesn’t like you.

From what you’ve described that doesn’t seem to be the case. People who don’t like their neighbors generally demonstrate that by letting garbage collect along the property line or putting garden gnomes on their front lawns. They certainly don’t clean out the storm drains.

3) He’s just evil.

This one’s the wild card since you never hear anyone say, “I could tell he was evil from the day he moved in” when their neighbor is discovered to have a dozen dismembered bodies in his basement. But, as Spike sees it, anyone evil enough to out you would certainly be evil enough to try blackmail first...or would at least want to taunt you for a while. So chances are you’ll see trouble coming and can take proper steps to stop it, such as telling your family your secret first, or cutting the brake fluid line of your neighbor’s car.

So overall Spike thinks that the risk of him saying something to someone is pretty small. There just doesn’t seem to be any logical payoff for him to do so. In fact, if your neighbor has any sense he’ll realize that saying something would probably backfire on him. He would certainly become the most hated neighbor in your household, and most likely it would turn others against him, as well. While everyone loves some good dirt, nobody wants to be friends with the shoveler. We all want to know what’s really going on between the sheets at Tom’s and Katie’s house, but we shun the ex-maid who spills the beans as soon as we finish reading her story in The Enquirer.

With all that in mind, if Spike were you, God forbid, he’d just let sleeping hogs cry (or whatever they do) and trust that neighbor-guy won’t say anything.

Still, there is the issue of comfort to be gained by talking to your neighbor, both in terms of knowing for certain that he’ll be discreet and setting the record straight about your fidelity to your wife. So if it will make you feel better, Spike says go for it. And there’s no need for you to explain yourself. Just say, “I want you to know that I love my wife very much and would never do anything to hurt her.” There’s no need to be more specific than that because it’s really none of his business. You don’t even need to confirm or deny that you’re gay.

Which leads me to the bigger issue in your letter. When you think about it, this all revolves around perception, doesn’t it? You’re concerned that because your neighbor saw you in a gay bar he’ll assume that you’re gay and that you’re cheating on your wife with guys. What’s interesting is that you’re guilty of jumping to conclusions about him on the basis of what you saw. You said you “suspected he was gay before, but now obviously” you’re sure. Unless he was holding hands with or kissing another guy (or wearing assless chaps), you really have no basis for that conclusion. All you know for certain is that he was in a gay bar. And that’s all he knows for certain about you. The rest is just supposition. Spike frequents “straight bars” all the time but does that mean he’s straight? Hell no! Remember, Closeted, judge not lest ye be judged.

Two last thoughts:

Spike is curious why you immediately left when your neighbor saw you? Did you think that if he saw you only for a minute it would be less damning than if you’d stayed for an hour? Or did you think maybe he’d forget if you made a quick getaway? Once you’ve been seen you can’t become unseen, my dear. If anything, your sudden departure probably caused greater curiosity about why exactly you were there. Had you stayed and played it casual you would have attracted far less interest. It’s called “hiding in plain sight.” A very useful tactic, indeed. Just ask Anderson Cooper.

And finally, Spike knows that some may question why he isn’t calling you to task for your double life. Well, as Spike has said many time, honesty is often overrated. And in your particular case, your lack of complete disclosure is a victimless crime. Based on what you’ve said, you’re a caring, faithful spouse, so if you occasionally like to rub the pickle while perusing your son’s copy of “Men’s Health” what’s the harm?...so long as you clean it off after...or not if you REALLY want to get him out of the house.

Well, it’s time for Spike to put out another gnome and sprinkle last night’s empties on his lawn (it’s sort of Spike’s ghetto homage to the Smurf village).

So ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.

Posted by Spike at 09:31 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Readers — Fortunately for us all, onlineoffbeat.com has found a new sponsor who appreciates the frank nature of Spike’s column, and so we bid goodbye and good riddance to Randy’s Auto Parts and Buffalo Wing Emporium and extend a hearty welcome to Hildegaard’s House of Lube, located just off the I-190 in Bethesda. We look forward to many years of happy collaboration with Hildegaard. And to all Spike’s dear readers (both of you), be sure to stop by Hildegaard’s when you’re in the area!

Anyway, onto the column...

Dear Spike — About 6 months ago I answered an online ad from a married guy who was looking for a blow job. It turned out he was really hot and he apparently liked the service I provided so we decided to meet again and it turned into a regular thing. Once a week he’d stop by on his way home from work for a little man-on-man action and I’d take care of him. But that’s as far as it went at first.

Then about 3 months ago his family went on vacation and he surprised me by inviting me out for drinks and dinner. We had a great time together and he ended up spending the night. He also fucked me for the first time that night.

Since then we’ve continued to get together for our weekly sessions and occasionally for a night out when he can get away. Now he even kisses me and he’s jerked me off a few times, though he says he’s not ready to do any more than that yet.

He’s a really great guy. Very handsome and charming, very sexy, very hung, and smart to boot. He’s an absolute dream and I’ve fallen in love with him. Now I’m not sure what to do.

Should I tell him how I feel in hopes that maybe he feels the same way and would be willing to take things to another level, or should I just keep my mouth shut, so to speak, and keep on with the way things are? I’m afraid that if I scare him he might stop our weekly get-togethers and then I’ll lose out on some really hot sex.

Thanks.

— The Other (Wo)Man, Braintree, MA

Dear Other — Ho says what? Gee, it must really suck being you. Almost as much as say....oh, maybe being your fuck buddy’s wife?

Spike is of two minds about this. On the one hand, you freely entered into this relationhip with a full knowledge of the circumstances (ie. that he was married and that he was just looking to get his rocks off), so you really have no right to try to change the rules now. On the other hand, the guy’s cheating on his wife and kids and you’re a dirty, filthy whore, so you may as well go for broke and try to steal him away from his family as well.

Ultimately, however, Spike believes that even a whore should be a professional whore, so that means you should say nothing. Just because the two of you have developed a level of intimacy and you have some twisted fantasy of building a life with this guy gives you no right to try to switch things up on him. That’s the cross the other woman has to bear. You don’t fuck with the guy’s real life.

But there’s a bigger issue here, Other. You’re helping this guy cheat on his wife. Spike can already hear your defense: “Well, why shouldn’t I do it since someone else is going to if I don’t anyway?” Well, someone else is also going to buy the next Michael Buble album and Mitch Albom book, so does that mean it’s okay for you to buy them, too? Obviously not, because if everyone abdicates their own personal responsibility for good taste we court the apocalypse.

Spike thinks that the “veal metaphor” is apt here. Spike doesn’t eat veal (though he loves it) because the conditions in which veal calves are raised are abhorrent. Will Spike’s not eating veal bring the veal industry grinding to a halt? No, of course not, but it’s a choice he makes because it’s the right thing to do. It’s the same with married guys looking for a little homo fun on the side. If you stop smoking this guy’s sausage it’s not going to stop him from looking, and its not going to stop some other hungry homo from taking your place, but you will no longer be contributing to the problem. It would be the moral choice.

Now maybe you get off on the idea of helping a guy cheat on his wife and kids. In that case, you’re just an asshole and you really need to spend some time thinking about why you make the evil choices you do. Or maybe you’re just a submissive little piggy who gets off on servicing guys. There’s nothing wrong with that, but there are plenty of big-dicked, sexy, single gay and “straight” guys out there looking for some action, so why not find one (or a few) of them instead?

Because here’s the thing, Other: Aside from the fact that what you’re doing is selfish and morally reprehensible, if you continue with it, chances are that at some point down the road someone is going to get hurt. It’ll either be you when he gets bored and dumps you, or his wife when she catches an STD that he got from you, or him when he has to start making punitive alimony and child support payments. The likelihood of some peaches-and-cream-everybody’s-happy ending are very small.

But it’s your choice. You can either do the right thing, or you can continue being a greedy, self-centered cock whore, knowing that you’re likely going to bring a world of pain to some poor woman and her sweet, innocent children. Actually that last part sounds like a lot of fun, but you get the point.

So ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.

Posted by Spike at 09:00 AM

Humor / Politics - Renegade cleric Muqtada al-Sadr has devoted all of his time to pushing United States military forces out of Iraq. We can only speculate how history would be different if he had focused just a little effort on more positive actions:

Larry King Live: Larry’s guest host this week, renegade cleric Muqtada al-Sadr, talks about eating disorders with Cathy Rigby, Mary-Kate Olsen, Justine Bateman, and Meat Loaf.

Project Runway / Judges / Bios: Renegade cleric Muqtada al-Sadr brings his “my way or off with their hands” attitude to “Project Runway" after heading and beheading Iraq’s acclaimed House of Black Burqas.

Jerry Lewis MDA Labor Day telethon: You won’t want to miss appearances by Ed McMahon, Don Rickles, along with Steve and Eydie and renegade cleric Muqtada al-Sadr’s tribute to Irving Berlin.

The Rolling Stones were joined onstage by guest soloists Eric Clapton, renegade cleric Muqtada al-Sadr, and Peter Frampton.

Oprah’s book of favorite recipes includes renegade cleric Muqtada al-Sadr’s lamb cobbler.

A rescue team was summoned to the Playboy mansion after renegade cleric Muqtada al-Sadr’s robe became entangled in the hot tub filter.

Today at Macworld, Steve Jobs and renegade cleric Muqtada al-Sadr unveiled the iBomb.

Tony Bennett is working on another duets album with artists including Diana Krall, Loretta Lynn, Sanjaya Malakar, and renegade cleric Muqtada al-Sadr.

Warren Buffett's Berkshire Hathaway Inc. said it has acquired a 45.8 percent stake in renegade cleric Muqtada al-Sadr’s Brazilian waxing and tanning salons.

The Orlando Theater in the Round proudly presents for two weeks only: Man of La Mancha starring renegade cleric Muqtada al-Sadr!

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 05:25 PM

Television - I have to admit that I’m not a diehard American Idol fan. I’d say my relationship to the show is more like a baseball “fan” who pays just enough attention during the regular season to know who’s still in contention, then decides which team to back during the second round of the playoffs. Typically I watch the audition shows for the car wrecks, then skip the Hollywood weeks, then start tuning in for the last one or two performances and the recap on Tuesday nights and the results shows on Wednesdays once they reach the top 12. It’s usually not until the top 8 that I start watching the full performance shows.

Still, I find myself inexorably drawn to the spectacle each year—like a moth to a flame, like a lemming to a cliff, like Randy Jackson to a sweet potato pie—and this year is no different. Once again they’ve got me hooked. But there are always things that keep me from fully enjoying the experience: questions; suggestions for making it better; things I’d like to see happen.

And so, I present my top 10 Idol Thoughts:

1) Get rid of Sanjaya Malakar. Once you’ve been parodied on Saturday Night Live you can’t be considered a credible contestant anymore. Sanjaya seems like a nice enough kid (though when he gives that massive, toothy grin I’m always afraid he’s about to eat Ryan Seacrest’s head), and maybe he actually can sing, but watching him is cringe-inducing. Each performance is more forced and desperate than the previous.

As far as I can tell Sanjaya’s ongoing success can only be attributed to one of three things:
A) Someone in his family owns a telemarketing firm in India and requires all their employees to vote for him each week
B) Idol has a huge NAMBLA following
C) People are confused and think they’re still voting for the new Keith on that Partridge Family show

Actually, at this point I hope that Sanjaya makes it to Disco Week because that’s when I think he’s really going to shine. Picture him strutting out in a big ‘fro, blue eye shadow, platform shoes and white satin pants, and putting the fire to some Gloria Gaynor. Now THAT would be entertainment!

2) Change the rules and base the number of finalists on the number of contestants who are REALLY talented.

Each year we get 12 finalists, 8 of whom are virtually indistinguishable from one another and should be singing in a theme park somewhere, yet we’re forced to watch for 8 extra weeks while they inevitably get eliminated.

Aside from the fact that it’s tedious, it also allows errors to happen. Apparently Americans develop talent fatigue after a few weeks and start doing stupid things. How else to explain the week in season 3 when Jennifer Hudson, La Toya London and eventual winner Fantasia were all in the bottom 3, or the elmination this season of Stephanie Edwards? Just cut to the chase. This season’s finalists should have been LaKisha Jones, Melinda Doolittle, Jordin Sparks, and Edwards...and maybe Blake Lewis if you put a gun to my head and forced me to choose one guy.

3) Who exactly is the Idol audience? Is it that little girl they trotted out two weeks ago who was crying like Simon had just shot her puppy? That would explain the popularity of contestants like Clay Aiken, Kevin Covay, John Stevens, Anthony Federov, and Sanjaya: guys so unthreateningly asexual that they appeal to prepubescent girls. But it wouldn’t explain the success of someone like Scott Savol, the 5th place finisher from season 3, who had such a creepy pedophile look that even Michael Jackson would be afraid to sleep in the same room with him.

4) Taylor Hicks?

Okay, so that was last season, but I’m still waiting for an explanation. Watching Hicks perform was agonizing. His spastic dance moves made Joe Cocker look like Rudolph Nureyev. Were people so desperate for a new Michael MacDonald album that they were willing to crown a discount knock-off version?

And to those in the “Soul Patrol,” I have only this to say: Taylor Hicks is to soul as Whitney Houston is to dancing. They may be vaguely acquainted, but they’re not close friends.

5) It’s fine that American Idol wants to recognize the greats of yesteryear, but how about getting some guest artists to work with the kids who’ve actually had a hit in the last two decades? Gwen Stefani was a step in the right direction, but what about Linda Perry, Pharrel Williams, Will.i.am, or Timbaland? You know, people who are helping to shape the current musical landscape? Unless everyone on the show is planning on a career in Branson, MO, what’s the value of exposing them only to yesterday’s hitmakers?

I’ll admit that I like Barry Manilow’s music, and I know he has a reputation as a great producer, but what did he teach the kids? How to overcome an extremely mediocre voice with over-the-top production? Plus he’s kind of creepy. Were the producers trying to scare the finalists by giving them a glimpse into their dark futures?: “Yes, you may have a fabulous career and become incredibly wealthy, but eventually you’ll end up with a botched face lift in a Vegas revue.” Yikes!

If they’re going to drag out the oldies but goodies, at least pick artists who have some actual sense of craft and musicianship. Elton John, yes. Stevie Wonder, yes. Tony Bennett, yes. Rod Stewart and Peter Noone, HELL NO! I have to admit, though, that Diana Ross and Lulu were surprisingly good.

6) Force Simon to spend his wardrobe budget, and get him a stylist.

I get that Simon wants to pretend that he’s unpretentious, but does that mean that we have to see his man boobs every week? Randy is a big guy and probably has much larger breasts, but he knows how to dress in a way that’s actually flattering to (or at least camouflages) his build.

7) Start loaning out the band.

I know that Paul Schaeffer co-wrote “It’s Raining Men,” and for that I will always be eternally grateful, but enough is enough. It’s time to let the Idol band have a crack at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and other primo award show gigs. Schaeffer and his Late Show cohorts may be respected musicians, but somehow they seem to make everything they play sound the same. On the other hand, Rickey Minor and the Idol band rock...and swing...and funk...and country (okay, so that last one isn’t a verb, but you get the picture). Even when the singers suck the band is still great and they deserve greater exposure.

8) Add subtitles to Paula Abdul’s comments.

On the off chance that she actually says something useful it would be nice for the viewers and the contestants to understand it.

9) Get rid of Sanjaya Malakar.

Oh, did I already use that one? Well, I just wanted to make sure no one missed it.

10) Make Ryan Seacrest pick a height and stick with it.

One week he towers over the contestants and the next he has to stand on a milk crate to interview them. He’s finally settled on one hair color and one style of dressing. Now make him settle on one set of lifts for his shoes, too.

Posted by Spike at 01:25 PM

Humor - Archaeologists in Italy have discovered two skeletons from the Neolithic period locked in a 6,000-year old embrace. When examining the bones and theorizing the couple’s relationship, it may be hard for scientists to check their male and female perspectives at the lab door.

Male scientist: The discovery of two committed adults sharing and ancient burial chamber for 6,000 years should put an end to the myth that Stone Age men were sexist pigs. Patrick Dempsey has nothing over this guy.

Female scientist: It could also be the first known occurrence of a man faking sensitivity to get into a woman’s tomb.

Male scientist: But the position of the skeletons clearly shows he cared deeply about her. There is no indication he was planning on getting up early in the next afterlife to go to work.

Female scientist: That is a nice theory. However, further examination of the couple's positioning indicates the man was staring in the direction of a woman in the next burial chamber.

Male scientist: He was Neolithic, not a saint. And yet he chose to spend the next 6,000 years and beyond with his partner even after, as our analysis shows, he developed a cramp in his arm during the 3,700th year.

Female scientist: The problem with that theory is our body language experts concluded the man just wanted to be friends.

Male scientist: The experts also concluded the woman’s body language was saying “You promised me a bigger burial chamber.”

Female scientist: I don’t think it’s asking too much to spend an eternity with a little leg room.

Male scientist: If, like most males, he didn’t know her dress size, he certainly couldn’t have known her burial chamber size.

Female scientist: He could have asked.

Male scientist: Maybe there wasn’t a Neolithic word for “size.”

Female scientist: What’s more primitive about men than bragging about size?

Male scientist: How about women expecting to be taken out to dinner – before restaurants were even invented?

Female scientist: Typical Stone Age man.

Male scientist: Me or the guy in the tomb?

Female scientist: What’s the difference?

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 12:46 PM