Idol Thoughts
Television - I have to admit that I’m not a diehard American Idol fan. I’d say my relationship to the show is more like a baseball “fan” who pays just enough attention during the regular season to know who’s still in contention, then decides which team to back during the second round of the playoffs. Typically I watch the audition shows for the car wrecks, then skip the Hollywood weeks, then start tuning in for the last one or two performances and the recap on Tuesday nights and the results shows on Wednesdays once they reach the top 12. It’s usually not until the top 8 that I start watching the full performance shows.
Still, I find myself inexorably drawn to the spectacle each year—like a moth to a flame, like a lemming to a cliff, like Randy Jackson to a sweet potato pie—and this year is no different. Once again they’ve got me hooked. But there are always things that keep me from fully enjoying the experience: questions; suggestions for making it better; things I’d like to see happen.
And so, I present my top 10 Idol Thoughts:
1) Get rid of Sanjaya Malakar. Once you’ve been parodied on Saturday Night Live you can’t be considered a credible contestant anymore. Sanjaya seems like a nice enough kid (though when he gives that massive, toothy grin I’m always afraid he’s about to eat Ryan Seacrest’s head), and maybe he actually can sing, but watching him is cringe-inducing. Each performance is more forced and desperate than the previous.
As far as I can tell Sanjaya’s ongoing success can only be attributed to one of three things:
A) Someone in his family owns a telemarketing firm in India and requires all their employees to vote for him each week
B) Idol has a huge NAMBLA following
C) People are confused and think they’re still voting for the new Keith on that Partridge Family show
Actually, at this point I hope that Sanjaya makes it to Disco Week because that’s when I think he’s really going to shine. Picture him strutting out in a big ‘fro, blue eye shadow, platform shoes and white satin pants, and putting the fire to some Gloria Gaynor. Now THAT would be entertainment!
2) Change the rules and base the number of finalists on the number of contestants who are REALLY talented.
Each year we get 12 finalists, 8 of whom are virtually indistinguishable from one another and should be singing in a theme park somewhere, yet we’re forced to watch for 8 extra weeks while they inevitably get eliminated.
Aside from the fact that it’s tedious, it also allows errors to happen. Apparently Americans develop talent fatigue after a few weeks and start doing stupid things. How else to explain the week in season 3 when Jennifer Hudson, La Toya London and eventual winner Fantasia were all in the bottom 3, or the elmination this season of Stephanie Edwards? Just cut to the chase. This season’s finalists should have been LaKisha Jones, Melinda Doolittle, Jordin Sparks, and Edwards...and maybe Blake Lewis if you put a gun to my head and forced me to choose one guy.
3) Who exactly is the Idol audience? Is it that little girl they trotted out two weeks ago who was crying like Simon had just shot her puppy? That would explain the popularity of contestants like Clay Aiken, Kevin Covay, John Stevens, Anthony Federov, and Sanjaya: guys so unthreateningly asexual that they appeal to prepubescent girls. But it wouldn’t explain the success of someone like Scott Savol, the 5th place finisher from season 3, who had such a creepy pedophile look that even Michael Jackson would be afraid to sleep in the same room with him.
4) Taylor Hicks?
Okay, so that was last season, but I’m still waiting for an explanation. Watching Hicks perform was agonizing. His spastic dance moves made Joe Cocker look like Rudolph Nureyev. Were people so desperate for a new Michael MacDonald album that they were willing to crown a discount knock-off version?
And to those in the “Soul Patrol,” I have only this to say: Taylor Hicks is to soul as Whitney Houston is to dancing. They may be vaguely acquainted, but they’re not close friends.
5) It’s fine that American Idol wants to recognize the greats of yesteryear, but how about getting some guest artists to work with the kids who’ve actually had a hit in the last two decades? Gwen Stefani was a step in the right direction, but what about Linda Perry, Pharrel Williams, Will.i.am, or Timbaland? You know, people who are helping to shape the current musical landscape? Unless everyone on the show is planning on a career in Branson, MO, what’s the value of exposing them only to yesterday’s hitmakers?
I’ll admit that I like Barry Manilow’s music, and I know he has a reputation as a great producer, but what did he teach the kids? How to overcome an extremely mediocre voice with over-the-top production? Plus he’s kind of creepy. Were the producers trying to scare the finalists by giving them a glimpse into their dark futures?: “Yes, you may have a fabulous career and become incredibly wealthy, but eventually you’ll end up with a botched face lift in a Vegas revue.” Yikes!
If they’re going to drag out the oldies but goodies, at least pick artists who have some actual sense of craft and musicianship. Elton John, yes. Stevie Wonder, yes. Tony Bennett, yes. Rod Stewart and Peter Noone, HELL NO! I have to admit, though, that Diana Ross and Lulu were surprisingly good.
6) Force Simon to spend his wardrobe budget, and get him a stylist.
I get that Simon wants to pretend that he’s unpretentious, but does that mean that we have to see his man boobs every week? Randy is a big guy and probably has much larger breasts, but he knows how to dress in a way that’s actually flattering to (or at least camouflages) his build.
7) Start loaning out the band.
I know that Paul Schaeffer co-wrote “It’s Raining Men,” and for that I will always be eternally grateful, but enough is enough. It’s time to let the Idol band have a crack at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and other primo award show gigs. Schaeffer and his Late Show cohorts may be respected musicians, but somehow they seem to make everything they play sound the same. On the other hand, Rickey Minor and the Idol band rock...and swing...and funk...and country (okay, so that last one isn’t a verb, but you get the picture). Even when the singers suck the band is still great and they deserve greater exposure.
8) Add subtitles to Paula Abdul’s comments.
On the off chance that she actually says something useful it would be nice for the viewers and the contestants to understand it.
9) Get rid of Sanjaya Malakar.
Oh, did I already use that one? Well, I just wanted to make sure no one missed it.
10) Make Ryan Seacrest pick a height and stick with it.
One week he towers over the contestants and the next he has to stand on a milk crate to interview them. He’s finally settled on one hair color and one style of dressing. Now make him settle on one set of lifts for his shoes, too.
