Is THAT What Friends Are For?
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — My best friend is prone to very strong opinions. When he likes something he REALLY likes it, and when he dislikes something he HATES it. And he’s equally strident in his feelings about people. It seems like he’s always feuding with one person or another.
By comparison I’m very moderate, particularly when it comes to disliking people. For me to hate someone they have to do something pretty bad to me or someone I care about. Most of the people my friend hates are people I have no particular feelings about one way or the other. A few of them are annoying, and a few I kind of like, but for the most part I don’t have strong feelings. I could take them or leave them. My friend, however, seems to feel that if I don’t share his opinions about people then I’m being disloyal to him, so I find myself agreeing with him just to keep the peace.
I’m not quite sure what to do. Should I be honest when I disagree with him or when I don’t have a strong feeling about someone, or am I obligated to side with him in his feuds because that’s what friendship is all about?
— Brad in Chicago
Dear Brad — Not only are you obligated to side with him in his feuds, but you are also obligated to share his exact tastes in food, movies, TV shows, music, politics, clothes, and home furnishings.
Seriously, what kind of stupid-ass question is that, you spineless pillock? What you’re describing isn’t a friendship. It’s a narcissistic hostage situation in which you play the part of the captive mirror. If your “friend” wants someone who shares only his opinions, tell him to do what every other egotistical, self-centered prick does: move to Hollywood and hire a personal assistant...or marry Katie Holmes.
Dear Spike — My best friend, Scott, and I have been friends for almost 20 years, since we were in elementary school. We’ve seen one another through both good times and bad times. Like with most long term relationships there have been some ebbs and flows, but I’ve always considered that to be normal and healthy. Through it all, though, our friendship has always remained strong and intact.
In the past few months, though, things have changed. Scott met a guy about a year ago and in the past few months their relationship has really intensified. Now they’re going to move in together. I guess that this leaves me feeling a bit left out. It’s not that I don’t still see Scott and talk to him as much as ever, but I feel like I’m no longer the primary person in his life. I feel like I’ve been replaced by his boyfriend.
The thing is, I’m actually very happy for Scott. I want him to be happy and I think his boyfriend is great. In fact sometimes when Scott is busy I get together with his boyfriend and we have a really good time together. Still, I do feel a bit left out. I guess I’d imagined that we’d both remain single for the rest of our lives and eventually end up sitting on the porch of the old folks’ homes nursing our martinis together.
I’m not really sure why I’m writing. I know there’s really nothing I can do. I certainly don’t want to break up Scott’s relationship. But is there some way I can think about things that might make me feel less like I’ve been left behind?
—Discarded Best Friend, Dorchester, MA
Dear Discarded — Why does Spike feel like he just read the plot synopsis for “Chuck & Buck?” Can you say “emotionally retarded” (or do we say “emotionally mentally challenged” these days?)? Thanks SOOOO much for writing because it always makes Spike feel much better about himself when he reads letters from really pathetic people...especially people who live close by.
Perhaps Spike misread the beginning of your letter, Discarded, since he thought you said your “best friend, Scott,” not your “ex-lover-who-I’ve-never-gotten-over, Scott,” or “the-man-who-I’ve-secretly-always-loved, Scott,” because it seems clear that what you’re feeling is JEALOUSY: jealousy that you no longer have Scott to yourself; jealousy that Scott has moved forward in his life and you haven’t; and perhaps jealousy that Scott’s boyfriend isn’t you.
Tell me, Discarded, in your vision of life at the old folks home, were you and Scott combing the manes of your My Pretty Ponies while you were sipping your martinis, by any chance? Because what you describe sounds like some arrested adolescent fantasy where things never change and you and Scott will be best friends (or more) forever. That’s just a tad unrealistic.
Sure it would have been great if Rudolph had stayed cute and little and hung out with Herbie the Elf and Yukon Cornelius forever, but he had to grow up, get gawky looking, and hook up with Clarice. That’s just the way life is. It moves on and circumstances change. Besides, it was never clear how he was going to fit into that whole kinky bear/twink thing that was obviously developing between Cornelius and Herbie anyway.
So Spike suggests that you just accept the fact that your relationship with Scott has changed and that it will likely never be the way it was again. Not to say that you and Scott can’t or won’t still be important to one another, just that you won’t be the most important person to him from now on. And THAT is what’s really “normal and healthy.”
And perhaps, if you can accept all that and let go of the past, you may be able to find a new primary someone for yourself. If not, maybe if you ask nicely, Scott and his boyfriend will buy a king size bed and let you sleep at the foot of it with them.
Anyway, best of luck, Discarded.
Ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
