Seriously, Spike doubts that you have anything to worry about, but he understands your concern, so let’s assess the likelihood that your hot neighbor (supposition, since all neighbor guys seem to be hot...except for Spike’s) might spill your beans.

As Spike sees it there are 3 possible motivations for him to out you:

1) He just likes to gossip.

Generally people who gossip do so for one of two reasons: to prove that they have access to information that others don’t (thereby implying that they have power); or to feel better about themselves by sharing information that puts others in a negative light.

While it’s remotely possible that your neighbor could be motivated by the first reason, that sort of thing is most common in office situations where those on the lowest rung of the ladder try to establish dominance over all the other powerless minions by sharing secrets about those with actual power. Picture Gladys the receptionist holding court in the alcove in front of the building during “coffee breaks,” gesturing imperiously with her cigarette as she reveals which mid-level executive has been receiving frequent calls from a woman who isn’t his wife to all the other secretaries and the mail guy...or Scooter Libby in front of the Grand Jury. Unless your neighbor is angling to be head of the Community Watch, there’s really no power to be gained for him, so that motivation seems unlikely.

Spike also doesn’t see the second motivation as being likely since in outing you your neighbor would also be outing himself, so any “negative light” he cast on you would be shared, which won’t make him feel any better about himself. Of course there’s the added implication that you’re cheating on your wife, but we’ll get back to that.

2) He just doesn’t like you.

From what you’ve described that doesn’t seem to be the case. People who don’t like their neighbors generally demonstrate that by letting garbage collect along the property line or putting garden gnomes on their front lawns. They certainly don’t clean out the storm drains.

3) He’s just evil.

This one’s the wild card since you never hear anyone say, “I could tell he was evil from the day he moved in” when their neighbor is discovered to have a dozen dismembered bodies in his basement. But, as Spike sees it, anyone evil enough to out you would certainly be evil enough to try blackmail first...or would at least want to taunt you for a while. So chances are you’ll see trouble coming and can take proper steps to stop it, such as telling your family your secret first, or cutting the brake fluid line of your neighbor’s car.

So overall Spike thinks that the risk of him saying something to someone is pretty small. There just doesn’t seem to be any logical payoff for him to do so. In fact, if your neighbor has any sense he’ll realize that saying something would probably backfire on him. He would certainly become the most hated neighbor in your household, and most likely it would turn others against him, as well. While everyone loves some good dirt, nobody wants to be friends with the shoveler. We all want to know what’s really going on between the sheets at Tom’s and Katie’s house, but we shun the ex-maid who spills the beans as soon as we finish reading her story in The Enquirer.

With all that in mind, if Spike were you, God forbid, he’d just let sleeping hogs cry (or whatever they do) and trust that neighbor-guy won’t say anything.

Still, there is the issue of comfort to be gained by talking to your neighbor, both in terms of knowing for certain that he’ll be discreet and setting the record straight about your fidelity to your wife. So if it will make you feel better, Spike says go for it. And there’s no need for you to explain yourself. Just say, “I want you to know that I love my wife very much and would never do anything to hurt her.” There’s no need to be more specific than that because it’s really none of his business. You don’t even need to confirm or deny that you’re gay.

Which leads me to the bigger issue in your letter. When you think about it, this all revolves around perception, doesn’t it? You’re concerned that because your neighbor saw you in a gay bar he’ll assume that you’re gay and that you’re cheating on your wife with guys. What’s interesting is that you’re guilty of jumping to conclusions about him on the basis of what you saw. You said you “suspected he was gay before, but now obviously” you’re sure. Unless he was holding hands with or kissing another guy (or wearing assless chaps), you really have no basis for that conclusion. All you know for certain is that he was in a gay bar. And that’s all he knows for certain about you. The rest is just supposition. Spike frequents “straight bars” all the time but does that mean he’s straight? Hell no! Remember, Closeted, judge not lest ye be judged.

Two last thoughts:

Spike is curious why you immediately left when your neighbor saw you? Did you think that if he saw you only for a minute it would be less damning than if you’d stayed for an hour? Or did you think maybe he’d forget if you made a quick getaway? Once you’ve been seen you can’t become unseen, my dear. If anything, your sudden departure probably caused greater curiosity about why exactly you were there. Had you stayed and played it casual you would have attracted far less interest. It’s called “hiding in plain sight.” A very useful tactic, indeed. Just ask Anderson Cooper.

And finally, Spike knows that some may question why he isn’t calling you to task for your double life. Well, as Spike has said many time, honesty is often overrated. And in your particular case, your lack of complete disclosure is a victimless crime. Based on what you’ve said, you’re a caring, faithful spouse, so if you occasionally like to rub the pickle while perusing your son’s copy of “Men’s Health” what’s the harm?...so long as you clean it off after...or not if you REALLY want to get him out of the house.

Well, it’s time for Spike to put out another gnome and sprinkle last night’s empties on his lawn (it’s sort of Spike’s ghetto homage to the Smurf village).

So ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.