Not too long ago Spike was in a similar situation. He was walking behind a teenage boy and his girlfriend when the boy threw a soda cup over a fence and into the yard of a church. Spike immediately called out, “Hey, you dropped something.” When the boy and girl turned they gave Spike the once-over and made matching faces like they smelled something bad. Then the boy asked, “Why don’t you mind your own fucking business?” Spike knew he was in one of those situations that might more prudently be handled by walking away, but since Spike just can’t abide litter or a lack of courtesy, instead he replied, “Why don’t you get back here and pick up your trash before I put my boot up your ass?”

Realizing that he’d come up against something he’d never encountered before—an adult who didn’t give a shit about his feelings and self-esteem—the boy sheepishly came back and picked up the trash, for which Spike thanked him before continuing on his way (because Spike believes in being polite and in acknowledging proper, acquiescent behavior).

So is that what you should have done? Stood your ground and acted like an adult? Probably not, because you’re not Spike and you don’t live in Newton. In your neighborhood you’d likely have gotten shot or cut with a switchblade. Plus, as Spike said, you’re not Spike.

You see, Dismayed, some people have natural authority and some don’t. Spike suspects you don’t. We all remember certain teachers throughout our school years with whom you knew you just shouldn’t fuck. It wasn’t that they were physically imposing or that there was any evidence that they’d ever actually beaten a student to death, it was just that they possessed a natural, unquestioning certainty that they were in charge. As kids we sensed that, in the same way that we sensed which teachers and other students could be bullied and humiliated.

One doesn’t see much of that natural authority anymore. Nowadays people seem more concerned with being liked than being respected. And it also comes largely from the fact that at some point growing older became a bad thing in our culture and everyone decided they wanted to stay young forever (you know, 40 is the new 20, etc....). The problem with that is that when adults decided to embrace perpetual youth they traded off the natural authority and gravitas that should come with age. Essentially they abdicated their rightful place at the top of the food chain and chose to stay on the “playground” as you put it.

Be honest, Dismayed, when you had your little encounter you weren’t dressed like a 55-year-old man, were you? You were probably wearing baggy shorts and a t-shirt more appropriate for a teenager, right? And you expected to get respect dressed like that?

Let’s face it, kids today are very different than when we were growing up. They have a sense of entitlement that leads them to react negatively whenever they perceive criticism or someone tries to assert authority over them. In part that comes from the fact that they’ve grown up during a time of uninterrupted prosperity in our country. But mainly it’s the result of shitty parenting and teaching. It comes down to what Spike calls the “Everybody Gets a Gold Star” mentality which has resulted in an unprecedented level of self-centeredness and narcissism in today’s kids.

According to a Feb 27 story by the Associated Press, five psychologists just released the findings of a study that evaluated 16,475 college students nationwide between 1982 and 2006 using a standardized test called the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI). The NPI asks for responses to such statements as “If I ruled the world, it would be a better place,” “I think I am a special person” and “I can live my life any way I want to.” According to the study, in 2006 two-thirds of the students had above average scores, an increase of 30% from 1982.

The researchers place the blame for the increase on a combination of permissive parenting, the rise of technology like MySpace and YouTube that encourage attention-seeking, and the “self-esteem movement” that emerged in the 1980s.

According to the study’s lead author, Professor Jean Twenge of San Diego State University, efforts to build self-confidence in kids have gone too far.

“We need to stop endlessly repeating ‘You’re special’ and having children repeat that back,” she said . “Kids are self-centered enough already.”

As an example, she cited a song commonly sung to the tune of “Frere Jacques” in preschool: “I am special, I am special. Look at me.”

When Spike was a kid, that’s not the way it was. We felt we had to earn praise and work hard for rewards. We also didn’t feel that we had just one set of parents. We knew that we answered to every adult in the neighborhood and beyond. And one of the things that kept us in line was the fear that if we did something wrong Mrs. Moore was going to poke her head out the window and scream our names, followed by the inevitable and terrifying “I’m going to call your parents.” And if the offense was bad enough, she’d come out in her housecoat and smack your ass herself. It was sort of like that thing Hillary Clinton wrote about it taking the Village People to raise a child. That whole community parenting dynamic is gone now. Everyone is afraid of lawsuits and confrontation so all the child rearing is left just to the parents, and as soon as a kid is out of the house they feel that they can behave however they like without consequences.

So what can you do if you’re ever faced with a similar situation again? Well, you have a few choices.

One is to ignore it as you did. The upside of that approach, as you noted, is that it keeps the situation from escalating and ensures that you don’t go to jail for assault. Unfortunately it also leaves you feeling emasculated and frustrated.

The second approach is to really embrace your decision to not grow up and respond in kind. The girl you encountered was running a power trip on you. She clearly had a chip on her shoulder that caused her to interpret your pushing the cart as a sign of disrespect. Her response was to try to demean you by threatening you and calling you names in public, knowing that you didn’t really have any recourse.

To respond in kind, you could have said, “Yeah, if I thought you could get your fat ass past that cart I MIGHT be scared.”

The upside of this approach is that it would momentarily make you feel superior. The downside is that when she actually did squeeze her fat ass past the cart you’d be in deep shit, because while you might be channeling your inner child, the courts still consider you an adult and they seem to frown on adults who get into physical confrontations with children.

The right approach would have been to behave as an adult, which means treating the other person with respect but making it clear what your expectations are for them. This is the approach Spike used with the teenage litter bug. Spike first gave the boy a chance to rectify his transgression by helpfully pointing out that the youth had “dropped something.” There was no accusation that it had been a willful act. In fact, Spike assumed it was totally unconscious and hoped the boy would realize his mistake and gratefully take responsibility for it. It was only when the boy reacted with anger that Spike threatened to boot his ass.

In your case, when the girl left the cart blocking the aisle you should not have moved it yourself, because while you were probably trying to avoid a confrontation, you actually created one by making her feel disrespected. By just moving the cart you were essentially saying that you didn’t believe she would have the courtesy to move it herself if it were pointed out to her. That was discourteous on your part.

You should have said, “Excuse me, would you mind moving your cart forward?” in a direct but pleasant manner. This would haven given the girl a chance to realize her lack of courtesy and correct it, thus maintaining her dignity. You would have been treating her with respect.

If she then came back at you with a threat or profanity you would have been fully justified in saying, “Look bitch, just move the cart or I’ll shove it up your ass” or something to that effect. Then you could have run for the parking lot before she could reach you since Spike doubts you could have pulled that off with the necessary level of menace and believability. But at least you wouldn’t be left feeling like a TOTAL pussy.

Well, time for Spike's milk bath and aroma therapy.

So ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.