Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — I have a problem that I suspect isn’t all that uncommon, unfortunately. I’m a gay man in my late-40s who is single by choice. I’ve had relationships in the past (some short-lived and a few that lasted a while), but a few years ago I decided that I’m much happier on my own. I have a very satisfying and fulfilling life. Aside from my work (which takes up a lot of time), I volunteer with a children’s literacy group, belong to 2 book clubs, and spend a lot of time working in my garden. And then, of course, there my “children,” who are my pride and joy: my pomeranians, Barry, Robin and Maurice. Frankly, I just don’t feel like I want to make room for someone else in my life right now.

Being that I’m in my 40s, however, most of my contemporary friends are now part of couples, and therein lies the problem.

I long ago accepted that being single automatically excludes me from some couples-only activities like dinner parties and weekend getaways with my “married” friends, and I’m fine with that. I have no desire to be a third (or fifth or seventh) wheel anyway. But what pisses me off is the condescending attitude my coupled friends have toward me now.

Half of them seem to pity me because they think I’m single because I can’t find someone, and the other half who accept that I’m single by choice patronizingly suggest that I’ve made that choice only because I’ve never experienced the majesty of a love like their own.

So how do I tactfully but decisively let me friends know that I consider their attitudes offensive the next time one of them comments derisively on my single status? I know that they mean well and they really are wonderful people in all other respects so I don’t want to lose their friendships, but their insensitivity is really getting on my nerves.

— Single & Loving It in Leominster

Dear Single — Have you ever considered that your friends’ pity has nothing to do with you being single, but rather with that you live in Leominster, belong to 2 book clubs and named your rat-dogs after the Bee Gees? Spike feels pity toward you and he doesn’t even know you. Of course Spike feels that way about most people.

The key to solving a problem like this, Single, is understanding what motivates the behavior of the offending parties. Spike sees two possible motivations for your friends.

One is ignorance. This isn’t really a motivation, but rather an excuse. They are, as you said, insensitive to the fact that they are insulting your life choice. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, perhaps they are so caught up in their own bliss that they can’t conceive that anyone could be happy on their own. This sort of thing is common among people who have been in long-term relationships or cults. Eventually the brainwashing just takes hold and all free thought is lost.

The other possible motivation is far more nefarious.

Oftentimes when people experience a life-altering transition, they feel a compulsion to share it with those around them. It’s like the guy at work who becomes a born-again Christian and starts leaving pamphlets for Evangelical retreats on your desk. Or the uncle who quits drinking and starts giving you the times and locations of AA meetings every time he sees you with a cocktail at a family gathering. In both cases the motivation is the same: misery loves company. And it may be the same for your friends.

Think about it from their perspective, Single. How aggravating must it be for them to watch you flitting about in your state of unfettered, independent bliss while they remain trapped in lives of quiet desperation? No doubt they are seething with resentment toward you, despite the fact that Spike wouldn’t trade lives with you if you were living next door to all-male nudist colony with a free cocktail lounge. Because they’ve experienced the transition from single and happy to married and miserable, they want everyone around them to settle down as well. It’s just human nature to want our friends to be as unhappy as we are.

Regardless of the motivation, however, this sort of behavior can’t and shouldn’t be tolerated. So the next time one of your friends begins extolling the virtues of coupledom or makes a negative comment about your “unfortunate” single status, give him a stunned look as though he’s just revealed the mysteries of the universe to you (or shown you how to touch yourself) and say, “Wow, you may be right.” Then turn quickly to his boyfriend and say, “By the way, I saw your new profile on Manhunt. It’s REALLY hot.” Then walk away, leaving them to experience the wonders of coupledom in peace.

Best of luck, Single.

Ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.

Posted by Spike at 10:17 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — I met my girlfriend 3 years ago at a lesbian softball tournament. One of the things that attracted me to her was how fit she was. She’s only 5’ 4”, but her body was absolutely amazing. She looked like Jada Pinkett Smith in the Matrix movies. I’m a very active person myself (I love going to the gym, running, hiking, playing softball, etc) so we were a perfect match.

Over the last year, however, she’s pretty much stopped all physical activity. She’ll go for a token run once every few weeks, but that’s it. When it started her excuse was that she’d just started a new job and it was mentally exhausting her. I was willing to buy that and cut her some slack for a while, but now she has the job stress under control and she’s still not exercising.

To be fair, it’s not like she just sits on the couch eating potato chips or anything, but all her activities are fairly sedate—shopping, gardening, trips to museums, etc...—and she’s been packing on the pounds. When I met her she weighed 102 lbs. Now she’s closing in on 170 lbs, and her once-tiny tush looks like a sofa cushion.

I don’t think it’s a result of depression. If anything, I think that maybe she’s too content and doesn’t feel the need to keep up her appearance anymore. It’s like she feels so comfortable in our relationship now that she’s letting out her inner fat girl.

I guess I should feel good that she’s that comfortable, but frankly I want my tiny amazon princess back. I miss the woman I first fell in love with. It’s not that I don’t still love her, but I just wish she’d make an effort to look good for me again. I always try to look my best for her and it just doesn’t seem fair.

How do I tactfully bring up my feelings without offending her? Or do you think I’m just being a shallow bitch?

— Marcy in Jamaica Plain

Dear Marcy — Your name is Marcy and you met your girlfriend at a lesbian softball tournament? You’re not dating Peppermint Patty by any chance, are you?

First of all Spike must say that he admires your refreshing attitude about staying fit and looking good for your woman. He thought it was practically a law that lesbians had to triple their body mass every five years once they were coupled. So bravo for thinking outside the box, so to speak. And Spike certainly sympathizes with your dilemma. It’s always amazed him how many people pull the bait-and-switch when it comes to their personal appearance. While they’re on the market they keep themselves in shape, dress well, and practice good hygiene, but as soon as they’ve hooked someone they just let themselves go, and before too long they’re wandering around the house unshowered and unshaven in the same flithy gray University of Illinois sweatshirt all the time. Revolting!

There are a few approaches you could try first that might allow you to avoid having a potentially contentious conversation altogether.

The first would be to drop subtle hints. You could, for instance, suggest cleaning out the closet. Then as you hold up each dainty piece of clothing that Bertha couldn’t fit into with a shoehorn and a can of Crisco anymore, you could gaze at it wistfully and sigh before placing it in the box for Goodwill. Or you could drop less subtle hints, like pointing at the cow on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and saying, “You should get a sweater like that," or putting steel support trusses under her end of the couch.

If that doesn’t work, perhaps you could try re-engaging her in physical activities without making any big deal out of it. It may just be that she’s forgotten how much she enjoyed being active. Certainly with running there’s an endorphin high which is addictive, but which fades very quickly from our sense memory once we stop running for a while. It’s the same for all strenuous exercise. While we’re doing it consistently we enjoy a greater sense of well-being, but shortly after we stop we forget that feeling and it can be difficult to get motivated to start again.

If that fails, you’ll just have to address it with her in a direct but sensitive manner, stressing that your motivation comes not from the fact that you’re a shallow body-fascist, but from concern for her well-being. Perhaps you could say something like, “It’s not about physical appearance, baby, because I love you for who you are on the inside...but I’m getting really worried that your inner self is choking to death on all that blubber,” or “I’m just worried, because what’s going to happen if I’m not home and your fat ass forms a suction with the toilet?”

Certainly she can’t fail to see the reasonableness of those entreaties. And if not, you may just need to start keeping a ThighMaster in the nightstand. You know, just to her massive, gelatinous thighs from crushing your head during foreplay.

Best of luck my sapphic friend. For some reason Spike has a sudden urge to join Greenpeace and save a whale.

So ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.

Posted by Spike at 09:21 AM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — About a month ago I was at a local bar and a met a guy I’ll call Larry. At first I wasn’t interested in him at all. For one thing, he’s only 5’ 1” (I’m just under 6’) and for another he’s too young (he’s 34, I’m almost 60), but the more we talked the more attracted I became to him. I found him charming in an odd sort of way. His conversation was peppered with non sequiters and random observations, and he seemed like he was on speed, but still, I found him refreshing, sincere and, as I said, charming. To make a long story short, we ended up spending the night together and had a terrific time.

The next morning he surprised me a little. He’d been carrying a duffel bag when we met, and as he was dressing he pulled 10 identical pairs of new white sweat socks out of the bag and proceeded to try several of them on. When I asked him why he had so many socks he explained that he had problems with his feet and that it was sort of a ritual for him to try on several pairs each morning until he found the ones that felt just right, and that he frequently changed his socks during the course of the day. I thought that was a little weird, but nothing that indicated he might be unbalanced.

Since then we’ve gotten together a few times a week and things were going fine. He’s extremely attentive and conversation is very easy, and the more time we’ve spent together the more he’s grew on me (so to speak). Then this past weekend things got very weird.

It started on Friday when he sent me an email with a link to his MySpace page. First of all, his profile said he was 28 and identified him as straight. Second of all his page was covered with images from Star Trek and pictures of Larry with larger black women. When I asked him about it, he explained that he really loves black women. He finds them attractive and feels most comfortable around them. He said that he identified himself as straight because it’s easier to meet women friends if they think he’s straight at first. The whole thing seemed strange to me, but I’m not part of the MySpace generation so I was willing to accept it as something I just didn’t understand.

But then on Saturday things turned ugly. Larry had told me that he really loves black music, particularly a lot of the older singers like Ella Fitzgerald and Sarah Vaughn, so when he asked me to go out to a music club with him in one of the sketchier parts of town I agreed, figuring it would be a small club that had jazz or blues performers. I thought it might be fun. Instead it was a hip-hop dance club.

It was awful. Aside from the fact that I felt out of place because of my age, Larry virtually abandonned me as soon as we got in the door. He’d stop by and say hello every 10 minutes or so when he came to the bar to get another drink, then he’d flit off again to talk and dance with a seemingly endless stream of black women. After an hour I decided I’d had enough and told Larry that I was leaving and that if he wanted his stuff from my car he’d have to come get it now.

As soon as we got outside Larry went into a rage. He accused me of not respecting him and of sabotaging his evening. He even accused me of still being in love with someone whom I’d dated briefly before him. It was a nonsensical rant and I turned away and headed for my car. Then he ran up behind me and pushed me. I turned around and pushed him back and we almost got into a fist fight, but finally I made it to my car and left.

When I got home I turned off my phone (Larry is prone to late-night calls) and went to bed. This morning there were 10 messages from Larry, each of them more desperate and apologetic than the last. He said that he has a drinking problem, and that when he has more than 2 beers he becomes irrational and paranoid. He also said that he loves me and is willing to change in order to keep me in his life.

I haven’t called him back yet because I’m not sure what to do. Am I kidding myself to think that he can really change? As I said, prior to last night things were fine. He was a little eccentric and had an off-kilter energy, but he was also very sweet and thoughtful. Am I making too much out of one bad night, especially given the fact that he admits he has a drinking problem? What should I do?

— Befuddled in Boston

Dear Befuddled — You couldn’t have taken that “to make a long story short” thing to heart when you wrote the rest of your letter? Jesus, Spike feels like he just sat through a reading of “The Odyssey” by a stutterer. Keep telling stories like that and you won’t have to worry about dumping Larry. He’ll chew his own arm off to get away.

Now let’s see if Spike has this straight: You’re wondering whether you should continue to date an angry, bisexual, alcoholic, Trekkie midget who wishes he was a black woman and carries around a bag of white socks? What’s the matter, you couldn’t find a guy with bleeding rectal warts, too?

Good God, Befuddled, how much does your life suck that you’d be willing to even consider continuing to date this guy? Alcohol issues aside, everything about him screams WARNING.

First of all he has a MySpace page (Spike doesn’t know about you, but he’s just sick to death of ordinary people who try to draw attention to themselves using the internet). Second of all, his page is filled with lies. It’s not a question of you not understanding the MySpace generation, it’s a question of him purposely misrepresenting himself. And Spike doesn’t buy for a second his reasoning, because there are plenty of large black women who LOVE gay men (otherwise who would sing all the songs they play in our dance clubs?). It seems to Spike that Larry is either playing for both teams or is so uncomfortable with his own sexuality that he feels the need to lie about it publicly. Either way, he’s not being honest with you.

Then there are the deeper issues.

He’s obviously OCD. Do you really buy that one pair of socks feels significantly different than another identical pair? If you do, would you be interested in some swampland in Florida? Not that OCD in and of itself is a problem. In fact, Spike finds it to be a valuable trait in potential housekeepers. But when you combine it with paranoia and self-loathing it becomes a toxic brew. You end up with someone who hates themselves and can’t forget about it.

Spike thinks that the Larry you saw last night is the core Larry. Alcohol wasn’t his problem (though he may truly have a problem with alcohol), but it brought to the surface the feelings that he normally suppresses. That’s the way alcohol works for most people. It amplifies the feelings we already have and decreases our inhibitions about expressing them. You got a peek at the raw, unhibited Larry and it wasn’t a pretty picture.

Spike suggests that you walk away from the situation now. That may seem harsh, but unless your life is so empty that you’re willing to take on a longterm rehabilitation project it makes the most sense. Plus, frankly, it doesn’t strike Spike that you’re exactly Sigmund Freud when it comes to understanding human behavior, so he doubts you’d be much help anyway.

Before you dump him, though, you should make absolutely sure that he’s not actually a leprechaun, because you wouldn’t want him to put a curse on you. There are several tests you could try:

1) Order him to show you his pot of gold (they’re obligated to do so, you know).
2) Feed him Lucky Charms and see if he says, “They’re magically delicious.”
3) Follow him home to see if he lives in a hollow tree (though that could also mean he’s just a Keebler Elf).

Anyway, Befuddled, from now on you should set a minimum height requirement for dating and stick with it.

So best of luck with your tiny friend.

Ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.

Posted by Spike at 10:25 AM

Politics / Humor - GOP presidential candidate and Mormon Mitt Romney addressed graduates of Pat Robertson's evangelical Christian University, even though Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network Web site describes Mormonism as a cult.

How far will Romney go to gain the favor of evangelical Christians? Apparently, not far enough. If he is going to succeed, he should consider doing the following:

• Propose making tobacco chewing an Olympic event.

• Offer an environmental program that includes solar-powered burning crosses.

• Insist that any affirmative action plan include heterosexual quotas for all Broadway musicals.

• Promise to ban all anesthetics since they are used in abortions.

• Provide certifiable documentation that none of his sperm has been ever used for recreational purposes (but only if it doesn’t cut into his in-breeder support in West Virginia).

• Emphasize his disbelief of evolution by debating a monkey with only minimal coaching (for Romney, not the monkey).

• Propose a No Student Left Behind in a Trailer Park education plan.

• Promise to appoint a commission to prove once and for all that wrestling is real.

• Pledge to deport all foreign-made robots.

• Pick a running mate who clearly represents “real American” values – whether David Duke wants the position or not.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 07:26 PM