Fat-bottomed Girlfriend
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I met my girlfriend 3 years ago at a lesbian softball tournament. One of the things that attracted me to her was how fit she was. She’s only 5’ 4”, but her body was absolutely amazing. She looked like Jada Pinkett Smith in the Matrix movies. I’m a very active person myself (I love going to the gym, running, hiking, playing softball, etc) so we were a perfect match.
Over the last year, however, she’s pretty much stopped all physical activity. She’ll go for a token run once every few weeks, but that’s it. When it started her excuse was that she’d just started a new job and it was mentally exhausting her. I was willing to buy that and cut her some slack for a while, but now she has the job stress under control and she’s still not exercising.
To be fair, it’s not like she just sits on the couch eating potato chips or anything, but all her activities are fairly sedate—shopping, gardening, trips to museums, etc...—and she’s been packing on the pounds. When I met her she weighed 102 lbs. Now she’s closing in on 170 lbs, and her once-tiny tush looks like a sofa cushion.
I don’t think it’s a result of depression. If anything, I think that maybe she’s too content and doesn’t feel the need to keep up her appearance anymore. It’s like she feels so comfortable in our relationship now that she’s letting out her inner fat girl.
I guess I should feel good that she’s that comfortable, but frankly I want my tiny amazon princess back. I miss the woman I first fell in love with. It’s not that I don’t still love her, but I just wish she’d make an effort to look good for me again. I always try to look my best for her and it just doesn’t seem fair.
How do I tactfully bring up my feelings without offending her? Or do you think I’m just being a shallow bitch?
— Marcy in Jamaica Plain
Dear Marcy — Your name is Marcy and you met your girlfriend at a lesbian softball tournament? You’re not dating Peppermint Patty by any chance, are you?
First of all Spike must say that he admires your refreshing attitude about staying fit and looking good for your woman. He thought it was practically a law that lesbians had to triple their body mass every five years once they were coupled. So bravo for thinking outside the box, so to speak. And Spike certainly sympathizes with your dilemma. It’s always amazed him how many people pull the bait-and-switch when it comes to their personal appearance. While they’re on the market they keep themselves in shape, dress well, and practice good hygiene, but as soon as they’ve hooked someone they just let themselves go, and before too long they’re wandering around the house unshowered and unshaven in the same flithy gray University of Illinois sweatshirt all the time. Revolting!
There are a few approaches you could try first that might allow you to avoid having a potentially contentious conversation altogether.
The first would be to drop subtle hints. You could, for instance, suggest cleaning out the closet. Then as you hold up each dainty piece of clothing that Bertha couldn’t fit into with a shoehorn and a can of Crisco anymore, you could gaze at it wistfully and sigh before placing it in the box for Goodwill. Or you could drop less subtle hints, like pointing at the cow on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and saying, “You should get a sweater like that," or putting steel support trusses under her end of the couch.
If that doesn’t work, perhaps you could try re-engaging her in physical activities without making any big deal out of it. It may just be that she’s forgotten how much she enjoyed being active. Certainly with running there’s an endorphin high which is addictive, but which fades very quickly from our sense memory once we stop running for a while. It’s the same for all strenuous exercise. While we’re doing it consistently we enjoy a greater sense of well-being, but shortly after we stop we forget that feeling and it can be difficult to get motivated to start again.
If that fails, you’ll just have to address it with her in a direct but sensitive manner, stressing that your motivation comes not from the fact that you’re a shallow body-fascist, but from concern for her well-being. Perhaps you could say something like, “It’s not about physical appearance, baby, because I love you for who you are on the inside...but I’m getting really worried that your inner self is choking to death on all that blubber,” or “I’m just worried, because what’s going to happen if I’m not home and your fat ass forms a suction with the toilet?”
Certainly she can’t fail to see the reasonableness of those entreaties. And if not, you may just need to start keeping a ThighMaster in the nightstand. You know, just to her massive, gelatinous thighs from crushing your head during foreplay.
Best of luck my sapphic friend. For some reason Spike has a sudden urge to join Greenpeace and save a whale.
So ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
