Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”

Dear Spike — About a month ago I was at a local bar and a met a guy I’ll call Larry. At first I wasn’t interested in him at all. For one thing, he’s only 5’ 1” (I’m just under 6’) and for another he’s too young (he’s 34, I’m almost 60), but the more we talked the more attracted I became to him. I found him charming in an odd sort of way. His conversation was peppered with non sequiters and random observations, and he seemed like he was on speed, but still, I found him refreshing, sincere and, as I said, charming. To make a long story short, we ended up spending the night together and had a terrific time.

The next morning he surprised me a little. He’d been carrying a duffel bag when we met, and as he was dressing he pulled 10 identical pairs of new white sweat socks out of the bag and proceeded to try several of them on. When I asked him why he had so many socks he explained that he had problems with his feet and that it was sort of a ritual for him to try on several pairs each morning until he found the ones that felt just right, and that he frequently changed his socks during the course of the day. I thought that was a little weird, but nothing that indicated he might be unbalanced.

Since then we’ve gotten together a few times a week and things were going fine. He’s extremely attentive and conversation is very easy, and the more time we’ve spent together the more he’s grew on me (so to speak). Then this past weekend things got very weird.

It started on Friday when he sent me an email with a link to his MySpace page. First of all, his profile said he was 28 and identified him as straight. Second of all his page was covered with images from Star Trek and pictures of Larry with larger black women. When I asked him about it, he explained that he really loves black women. He finds them attractive and feels most comfortable around them. He said that he identified himself as straight because it’s easier to meet women friends if they think he’s straight at first. The whole thing seemed strange to me, but I’m not part of the MySpace generation so I was willing to accept it as something I just didn’t understand.

But then on Saturday things turned ugly. Larry had told me that he really loves black music, particularly a lot of the older singers like Ella Fitzgerald and Sarah Vaughn, so when he asked me to go out to a music club with him in one of the sketchier parts of town I agreed, figuring it would be a small club that had jazz or blues performers. I thought it might be fun. Instead it was a hip-hop dance club.

It was awful. Aside from the fact that I felt out of place because of my age, Larry virtually abandonned me as soon as we got in the door. He’d stop by and say hello every 10 minutes or so when he came to the bar to get another drink, then he’d flit off again to talk and dance with a seemingly endless stream of black women. After an hour I decided I’d had enough and told Larry that I was leaving and that if he wanted his stuff from my car he’d have to come get it now.

As soon as we got outside Larry went into a rage. He accused me of not respecting him and of sabotaging his evening. He even accused me of still being in love with someone whom I’d dated briefly before him. It was a nonsensical rant and I turned away and headed for my car. Then he ran up behind me and pushed me. I turned around and pushed him back and we almost got into a fist fight, but finally I made it to my car and left.

When I got home I turned off my phone (Larry is prone to late-night calls) and went to bed. This morning there were 10 messages from Larry, each of them more desperate and apologetic than the last. He said that he has a drinking problem, and that when he has more than 2 beers he becomes irrational and paranoid. He also said that he loves me and is willing to change in order to keep me in his life.

I haven’t called him back yet because I’m not sure what to do. Am I kidding myself to think that he can really change? As I said, prior to last night things were fine. He was a little eccentric and had an off-kilter energy, but he was also very sweet and thoughtful. Am I making too much out of one bad night, especially given the fact that he admits he has a drinking problem? What should I do?

— Befuddled in Boston

Dear Befuddled — You couldn’t have taken that “to make a long story short” thing to heart when you wrote the rest of your letter? Jesus, Spike feels like he just sat through a reading of “The Odyssey” by a stutterer. Keep telling stories like that and you won’t have to worry about dumping Larry. He’ll chew his own arm off to get away.

Now let’s see if Spike has this straight: You’re wondering whether you should continue to date an angry, bisexual, alcoholic, Trekkie midget who wishes he was a black woman and carries around a bag of white socks? What’s the matter, you couldn’t find a guy with bleeding rectal warts, too?