One: The Loneliest Number?
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I have a problem that I suspect isn’t all that uncommon, unfortunately. I’m a gay man in my late-40s who is single by choice. I’ve had relationships in the past (some short-lived and a few that lasted a while), but a few years ago I decided that I’m much happier on my own. I have a very satisfying and fulfilling life. Aside from my work (which takes up a lot of time), I volunteer with a children’s literacy group, belong to 2 book clubs, and spend a lot of time working in my garden. And then, of course, there my “children,” who are my pride and joy: my pomeranians, Barry, Robin and Maurice. Frankly, I just don’t feel like I want to make room for someone else in my life right now.
Being that I’m in my 40s, however, most of my contemporary friends are now part of couples, and therein lies the problem.
I long ago accepted that being single automatically excludes me from some couples-only activities like dinner parties and weekend getaways with my “married” friends, and I’m fine with that. I have no desire to be a third (or fifth or seventh) wheel anyway. But what pisses me off is the condescending attitude my coupled friends have toward me now.
Half of them seem to pity me because they think I’m single because I can’t find someone, and the other half who accept that I’m single by choice patronizingly suggest that I’ve made that choice only because I’ve never experienced the majesty of a love like their own.
So how do I tactfully but decisively let me friends know that I consider their attitudes offensive the next time one of them comments derisively on my single status? I know that they mean well and they really are wonderful people in all other respects so I don’t want to lose their friendships, but their insensitivity is really getting on my nerves.
— Single & Loving It in Leominster
Dear Single — Have you ever considered that your friends’ pity has nothing to do with you being single, but rather with that you live in Leominster, belong to 2 book clubs and named your rat-dogs after the Bee Gees? Spike feels pity toward you and he doesn’t even know you. Of course Spike feels that way about most people.
The key to solving a problem like this, Single, is understanding what motivates the behavior of the offending parties. Spike sees two possible motivations for your friends.
One is ignorance. This isn’t really a motivation, but rather an excuse. They are, as you said, insensitive to the fact that they are insulting your life choice. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, perhaps they are so caught up in their own bliss that they can’t conceive that anyone could be happy on their own. This sort of thing is common among people who have been in long-term relationships or cults. Eventually the brainwashing just takes hold and all free thought is lost.
The other possible motivation is far more nefarious.
Oftentimes when people experience a life-altering transition, they feel a compulsion to share it with those around them. It’s like the guy at work who becomes a born-again Christian and starts leaving pamphlets for Evangelical retreats on your desk. Or the uncle who quits drinking and starts giving you the times and locations of AA meetings every time he sees you with a cocktail at a family gathering. In both cases the motivation is the same: misery loves company. And it may be the same for your friends.
Think about it from their perspective, Single. How aggravating must it be for them to watch you flitting about in your state of unfettered, independent bliss while they remain trapped in lives of quiet desperation? No doubt they are seething with resentment toward you, despite the fact that Spike wouldn’t trade lives with you if you were living next door to all-male nudist colony with a free cocktail lounge. Because they’ve experienced the transition from single and happy to married and miserable, they want everyone around them to settle down as well. It’s just human nature to want our friends to be as unhappy as we are.
Regardless of the motivation, however, this sort of behavior can’t and shouldn’t be tolerated. So the next time one of your friends begins extolling the virtues of coupledom or makes a negative comment about your “unfortunate” single status, give him a stunned look as though he’s just revealed the mysteries of the universe to you (or shown you how to touch yourself) and say, “Wow, you may be right.” Then turn quickly to his boyfriend and say, “By the way, I saw your new profile on Manhunt. It’s REALLY hot.” Then walk away, leaving them to experience the wonders of coupledom in peace.
Best of luck, Single.
Ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
