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Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — In general I think you’re an arch, bitchy, misogynistic queen, but you also seem pretty sensible so I’ve decided to swallow my pride and ask for your advice.
My girlfriend, Mimi, and I have been together for 7 years and living together for 6 (so there, smart ass; proof that not all lesbians move in together on the second date). The relationship itself is great and we’re in the process of buying our first condo together. The problem is Mimi’s parents. As far as they’re concerned I don’t exist.
It’s not a homophobia thing. Mimi’s sister is also a lesbian and her parents seem to adore her sister’s partner. They just don’t like me. Now admittedly I’m no lipstick lesbian (or even a nondescript one like Mimi, her sister, and her sister’s girlfriend). I'm sure most people look at me and immediately think “DYKE." And I’m a pretty direct, shoot-from-the-hip kind of gal, which I know some people find abrasive. But so far as I can remember I’ve never said or done anything specifically to offend Mimi’s parents. I also happen to be extremely well educated and cultured so it’s not like I’m trailer trash.
I’ve given up on ever being friends with Mimi’s parents, but I’d like them to at least be civil toward me. This past weekend we all went condo-hunting together, and aside from the fact that they never spoke a word to me, when I dropped something in the backseat and leaned down to pick it up her father took the opportunity to elbow me in the head...and didn’t even acknowledge it or apologize.
For her part, Mimi seems oblivious to the whole thing. Either she just doesn’t notice or she refuses to acknowledge that her parents treat me like shit.
I’ve had it with the whole situation. If it were just about me I’d never step foot in the same room with her parents again. But since we’re a couple and I don’t want to turn Mimi against her parents I feel like I should give it one last shot to develop some kind of tolerable relationships with these assholes.
What do you suggest? Should I invite them to lunch and ask them why they hate me? Or start putting ribbons in my hair and wearing Laura Ashley gowns every time I see them? Even though you’re a precious little queen any advice you can offer would be appreciated.
— Redheaded Stepchild, Jamaica Plain, MA
Dear Stepchild — Your girlfriend is named Mimi? What did you expect? The kinds of uptight, suburban WASPs who name their daughter Mimi want no truck with an edgy, robust dyke such as yourself. They like their lesbians demure, genteel, and subtle. They want a daughter-in-law like Dusty Springfield, not Joan Jett.
First of all, it would really help Spike understand the gravity of the situation if he could get a better picture of exactly what happened in the car. Was the father driving, in the passenger seat, or sitting next to you in the back? Was it just kind of an inadvertent bump, or did he actually strike you with some deliberate force, and was it to the side, top or back of your head? Did you make any kind of noise like a squeal or grunt when he hit you? Also, are you a petite woman or a big gal with a huge melon head like Rosie O’Donnell?
Okay, so actually none of these things will help Spike get a better understanding of the situation. He just wanted to get a better image in his mind because a melon-headed chick being purposely elbowed in the back of the head by the driver and letting out a loud grunt while bent over would make him laugh.
But back to your problem. Trying to disguise yourself in feminine drag at this point would be useless. That horse has already left the barn, so to speak. Besides, Spike gets the impression that no matter what you put on it magically transforms into ugly green cargo shorts, Birkenstocks and a purple wifebeater.
Spike also thinks you should avoid confronting Mimi’s parents yourself. Right now they’re choosing to pretend you don’t exist, but it doesn’t sound like they’re actively trying to break you and Mimi apart. If their passive dislike gets turned to active animosity that could change. The issue is really between Mimi and her parents anyway. Essentially they are disrespecting her choice for a partner and she’s the one who needs to address the issue with them.
Let Spike ask, though, do you truly think Mimi is oblivious to the situation, or is she choosing to ignore it out of convenience? Is she just so lost in her own thoughts that she doesn’t see what’s going on around her, or so used to seeing her parents act abusively toward people that she’s become immune to it? Or is she so afraid of displeasing them that she’s willing to throw you under the bus to keep the peace? You don’t give any information about how her parents behave around others so it’s impossible for Spike to offer an opinion. You also don’t say what sort of relationship they all have. Are they close? Are her parents actively involved in Mimi’s life in other areas? These are all important questions that need to be answered so you can understand the dynamic of what’s happening.
Spike thinks you need to sit Mimi down and tell her how you’re feeling. First ask her if her parents have ever told her how they feel about you, then tell her that you feel like her parents don’t like you and that their behavior toward you is hurtful. Be careful not to paint her parents as villains, however, because you don’t want to create a trouble spot in your relationship. In fact, tell her you support her relationship with her parents but just want to have a relationship with them yourself that allows you all to be together tolerably. In other words, just keep pulling those touchy-feely buzzwords that you dykes like so much out of your ass until you find the ones that work. Then tell Mimi that if she isn’t sure how to approach her parents she should write to Spike...because Spike is always looking for more trivial problems to fill his column.
If Mimi does address the issue with her parents, however, you’ve got to be prepared to set aside the past (that’s right, you’ll actually have to let one of your beloved issues go) and make an active reciprocal effort to be civil toward them. You may even have to feign occasional interest in their insipid lives in order to “show you care” (Ewwww, Spike got the willies just writing that).
On the other hand, if Mimi decides not to take action, or claims that the whole situation is all in your mind, then you’ll need to decide if she’s actually the right woman for you. But that’s a whole other issue, and of course you’d be more than welcome to write Spike another letter about it...because as he already said, Spike is always looking for more trivial problems to fill his column.
Now, as for your assessment of Spike as an “arch, bitchy, misogynistic queen.” Arch and bitchy? Perhaps. But a misogynistic queen? NEVER! Spike is no nelly queen and he doesn’t discriminate based on gender. In fact, to borrow from the parlance of the WWE, which of course ALL lesbians adore, any time you’re ready Spike would be only too happy to lay the smackdown on you...even if you are a woman...sort of. Spike is an equal opportunity ass-whooper. You pick the liquor store parking lot in Jamaica Plain (and Lord know there are enough from which to choose) and Spike will be there with bells on. Okay, so maybe not bells since that WOULD be pretty queenie, but with great alacrity.
But until that day, Spike wishes you the best of luck with your little lesbian drama.
So ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Humor / Politics - Are you thinking about running for political office or being a public figure? Be prepared to face a barrage of video cameras, and be prepared to end up on YouTube.
No one will ask if you are ready for your close-up. No one will point out there is spinach in your teeth. And no will ask for one more take -- this time without you checking for ear wax.
Your life 24/7 is fair game, and you have got to know how to play it. Follow these tips and you will not be viewed more times than the water-skiing squirrel.
· Feel free to visit strip clubs and massage parlors, but always bring a book. No one will care if you are getting a lap dance if you are getting it while reading ”War and Peace.”
· You cannot afford to be videotaped while under the influence of drugs. Do not take a chance. Begin every speech by saying “It may be the over-the-counter cold medicine I just took talking but…"
· Never preface anything by saying, “Who’s going to know?” or "I dare you to post that!"
· Do not bend down to pick up the newspaper from your lawn with only a towel wrapped around your waist.
· Never enter any kind of eating competition.
· If you have to drive your hot 15-year old babysitter home, insist she ride in the trunk.
· Make sure your fly is always up -- even when taking a shower.
· If people refuse to stop videotaping you, start talking about soy bean subsidies.
· Unless you are Barack Obama, do not even try to act cool.
· Do not antagonize your audience. Avoid phrases like “Photoshop this, Punk!”
· It is OK to sweat. It is not OK to be vieotaped wringing out your shirt in the men’s room.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — After I graduated from college six years ago I moved in with my parents and started working at a bank in my hometown. It’s the kind of town where the opening of the “99” was the biggest thing that had happened in years. In other words, nothing happens there. It’s like taking a trip back in time to Mayberry or something.
At the time I was all YFAG (Young, Fabulous And Gay) and most people in town looked at me with my funky glasses and bleached hair like I had two heads. There was one other person at the bank, though, (I’ll call her Faith) who seemed like she was on the same wave length. She was a few years older, but she always dressed in cool retro clothes and tinted her hair electric colors. Since we were the only two misfits in town, we began hanging out. At the time I still wasn’t legal so she’d invite me over sometimes for drinks. Mostly, though, we just sat around drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes and making fun of all the customers and people we worked with. Since there was nothing else going on in my life at the time it was kind of fun. At least it helped pass the hours of tedium.
We worked together for about a year and then she got a job at a different bank and I turned 21 and starting heading into the city to gay bars at night. We didn’t see each other as much, but we still talked every day. A few months later I met a guy and we bought a house together and Faith got married. We still talked a lot, but we only got together once every few months. We both had other priorities and I assumed that eventally our relationship would just die out. That seemed to be the case as our conversations dwindled down to about once a month.
Flash forward 4 years: I’m no longer with the same guy but I’m in an amazing relationship, have a good job, and a great house. Faith is divorced, working the same job, and living in the same town. And she’s started calling me again every day. Most of the time I just let it go through to voicemail, but occasionally I feel guilty and answer and she just starts blabbing away like it’s still 2001 and we’re still best buddies working at the bank.
I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to offend her or hurt her feelings because she’s a very nice person, but I don’t want to encourage her either. I have no interest in rekindling our relationship. I’m not even sure I ever really considered her a friend. It’s kind of cruel to say, but she was just all there was at the time. But that time is long gone and I don’t feel the need to relive our experiences at the bank every time we talk.
Faith seems like she’s stuck in a time warp. When she was married she became all normal. She started dressing like a married suburban woman in her thirties. Now she’s back in her retro duds with her magenta hair and what once seemed interesting and quirky now seems like a tired schtick. And when she talks about herself she still seems to think that she’s wacky and different from everyone else, yet she’s hanging out in the same town with the same people in the same job, and her best friend is her mom.
What should I do? Should I just keep ignoring her as much as possible and hope she’ll move on, or should I do an “intervention” and talk to her about the fact that she’s trying to relive past glories? Actually I don’t even want to do that. That would be opening up a whole can of worms and I just don’t feel enough of a connection to her to get that involved in her life. So what do you suggest?
— Happily Moved On, Newton, MA
Dear Happily — This certainly seems like a serious situation and Spike thinks that drastic measures are required. He prescribes a “Ringwald Intervention.” Invite Faith over to your house for movie night to watch all of the mid-late-80s John Hughes oeuvre (excluding anything with Macauley Culkin). Then halfway through “Pretty In Pink,” turn to her and casually remark, “Did I ever tell you how much you remind me of Duckie?” If a comparison to circa-1986 Jon Cryer doesn’t shock her back to the present then Spike doesn’t know what will.
Seriously, it sounds like Faith was already living in a time warp when you first met her, so Spike thinks that trying to introduce her to 2007 would be a waste of time. I mean, what kind of self-respecting cool chick was still trying to work that Cyndi Lauper mojo in 2001? Even in a small town where fashion trends arrive five years late that is just WRONG!
But that aside, it does sound like Faith is trying to recapture an earlier time in her life when things were simpler and she was happier. She’s going to need to live with that for a while until she gets sick of herself and decides to move on. That process will happen only with time, however, (if at all) and it’s something she has to do on her own. There’s nothing you can do to help her...plus, as you so honestly admit, you really don’t care enough to get involved. So Spike suggests just leaving that whole ugly business to Faith.
As for your relationship, what you had with Faith was an FOC (Friendship of Convenience). You were stuck in a similar situation at the same time so you bonded. This sort of thing happens all the time, like the conversations people strike up while waiting in line at the DMV. They are temporary relationships built on a momentary shared experience. Sometimes, when there are actual common interests, these FOCs can develop into lasting friendships, but usually they end as soon as the immediate experience is over. You, apparently, have gotten your license and driven off to greener pastures (okay, so Spike is mixing metaphors here) while Faith is still waiting in line, wondering why the light were turned off.
If you felt that there was a basis for a deeper friendship, Spike would suggest making an active effort to move things out of the past and change the nature of your relationship. But since it doesn’t sound like you feel that basis is there, he suggests staying the course. Ignore her until the guilt overwhelms you, and then tolerate your infrequent chats. Over time she’ll either get the hint and stop calling as much, or her own life will become more fulfilling and she won’t feel the need to call as often. Or maybe she’ll just get pissed at you like only a wacky fat girl can (Spike is making a guess about the fat girl part) and stop calling all together. Whichever way it goes down will be good for you.
So good luck with your fabulous life in the suburbs, my little friend. Spike wishes you many years of joyful picket fence painting and PTA bake sales.
Ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I’m a 67-year-old gay man living in Boston. Yes, I know that the gay community would prefer to believe that we don’t exist, but there are a lot of us “mature” gay gentlemen around. In fact I’m part of a group called the Prime Timers that was started in Boston which now has 66 chapters in the United States and around the world. The Prime Timers is a social and recreational organization for older gay and bi-sexual men and the younger men who appreciate us.
Last night was our monthly dinner. In this case, it happened to be at a gay-owned and operated restaurant that also has a large cocktail lounge. I won’t say the name because I don’t want to sully the reputation of the establishment because of the actions of some of its patrons. In fact the staff of the restaurant was extremely welcoming and we had a wonderful time.
Prior to dinner we had a cocktail hour in the lounge. I was one of the first to arrive which gave me an opportunity to watch the reactions of the other patrons. As usual, when I walked in the younger men took a quick look at me then turned away and went back to their conversations, apparently deciding I could be safely ignored. As more of us began to arrive, however, I noticed the level of conversation began to drop and the other patrons began nervously stealing glances at us. Then they began whispering and snickering in small groups. Finally they began making louder comments as though we couldn’t possibly hear them because obviously we must all be hearing impaired. I overheard one patron (who frankly wasn’t exactly a spring chicken himself) say that it looked like an interview group for Jack Kevorkian’s next patient. I’ll admit that that was somewhat witty, but it was still mean-spirited and unwarranted. It’s not like we rolled into the places like an armada in our wheelchairs with tubes hanging out of our noses. In fact, most of us are quite ambulatory, thank you very much. And this kind of behavior wasn’t an isolated incident. The same thing happens every time we hold an event in a gay establishment.
The male patrons react to us like they’re seeing the spector of death and it makes them very uncomfortable (I should note that lesbians don’t have this same reaction). They try to ignore us, and when that fails they begin to make jokes at our expense. This doesn’t happen when we go to “straight” restaurants. There the other patrons react to us like they would any other group. They may be a little annoyed at the amount of space we take up in the bar before we’re seated for dinner, but there’s no special animosity because of our ages.
I just don’t understand it and it makes me angry. Are we as gay men supposed to die at the age of 50, or be locked away in closets or shipped off to institutions like some embarrasing family secret? Our generation is the one that stood up to the police at Stonewall. We’re the ones who first brought the battle for gay rights into the open and fought the most difficult skirmishes in that battle. The younger generations owe us a lot. If it weren’t for us they wouldn’t be able to hang out in gay bars without fear of arrest. They wouldn’t be able to walk down the street holding hands. They wouldn’t be able to get married and adopt children. And all we ask for in return is a little respect and to be treated with dignity.
I guess I’m not really looking for advice because I don’t know what could be done to make people more sensitive and thoughtful, but I just needed to vent. Getting old is difficult enough, but when you’re treated like a pariah by your own community for something which is natural and unavoidable and which will happen to everyone eventually (unless they die), it’s that much harder.
— Gray, Gay and Proud, Boston, MA
Dear Gray — Did you consider that maybe the reaction of the other patrons had nothing to do with your age, but rather with the mothball and linament odors being emitted by your group? That can be a pretty intoxicating brew...like a roomful of poppers. Perhaps they weren’t ignoring you and then making jokes about you. Perhaps they just fell into a stupor at first, and then as they revived they were just light-headed and giddy.
But Spike jests, of course...sort of. And he thinks that you have every right to vent, Gray, and he’s happy to give you a public forum in which to do it. Unfortunately it does seem to be human nature to mock those who are different, and it doesn’t matter how small a subgroup is or how strong the ties that bind them together. Gay men make fun of lesbians for being relationship-centric, humorless and cheap; lesbians make fun of gay men for being slutty and shallow; the old belittle the young for being silly and precious; the young belittle the old for not staying beautiful forever, etc, etc, etc...ad nauseum.
It may, in fact, be discomfort as you suggest. No one wants to think that they’re going to be a fossil some day, and seeing you and your doddering cohorts descending en masse like a pack of withered, rotting corpses is probably a frightening reminder of that grim future (plus some people are just really scared of zombies).
There really is no cure for insensitivity and thoughtlessness, as you point out, but maybe baby steps are possible. By making an effort to engage other patrons in conversation perhaps you can help some of them realize that you are, in fact, still human beings underneath all that saggy, wrinkled flesh. And if they realize that, perhaps they will feel less uncomfortable the next time they see a mature gay gentleman and will be less likely to revert to the reflexive defense mechanism of mockery.
Spike thinks that you and your Band of Methuselas deserve to be given respect and dignity, and also given your due for all of your critical contributions to the Gay Rights Movements. So thank you very much. However, if we’re going to give you credit for the good things you’ve done, then we also have a right to hold you accountable for all the horrors you helped unleash on the earth. So as far as Spike is concerned, you still owe us big time for floral polyester shirts, shag hairdos, big mustaches, gold chains, and Barry Manilow. Especially Barry Manilow.
Oh well, it’s time for Spike get his daily Botox injection.
So ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Humor - Restless-Legs Syndrome is proof modern medicine will stop at nothing to discover and eradicate ailments we never knew existed. It is now safe to sleep without your limbs involuntarily break dancing, but pharmaceutical companies will not rest until they find more disorders which can be cured or controlled with a “magic” pill. Here are just a few they may be working on.
Clueless President Syndrome – Often misdiagnosed as mental retardation, victims of CPS suffer from lack of concentration, inability to process information not printed on index cards, and an unquestioning belief in themselves and the Easter Bunny.
Angry Middle Finger Syndrome – Talk to your doctor about AMFS if you ever punched out an elderly person in a walker for having more than 10 items in an Express line.
Bursting Seams Syndrome – Unlike people with OCD (Obsessive-compulsive disorder) who repeat tasks over and over, BSS sufferers spend countless hours doing one thing: trying to fit into clothes that are 10 sizes too small. The only known treatment until now has been spandex, which in many cases causes extreme nausea for those forced to watch a set of gigantic love handles jiggling through Wal-Mart.
Wayward Penis Syndrome – There are two theories about WPS among the mostly-male scientists who have spent years studying it: a) It is the most enjoyable project they have worked on. b) Whoever rats out their scam to the higher-ups is a dead man.
Complaining He Never Leaves the Toilet Seat Down Syndrome – If you have CHNLTTSDS, you probably also have HNTTGOT (He Never Takes The Garbage Out Syndrome) and OSHJSOTCWHHDHPAWTFGS (On Sunday He Just Sits On The Couch With His Hand Down His Pants And Watches The Football Game Syndrome).
Complaining About Her Complaining He Never Leaves the Toilet Seat Down Syndrome – Victims of CAHCHNLTTSDS usually also suffer from MTTHTTS (Miss The Toilet Half The Time Syndrome).
Biting Satire Syndrome – BSS is not serious health threat unless you find yourself frequenting your local 7-Eleven while wearing a silk robe and sipping a martini.
Chatty Date Syndrome – Females may have CDS if the man sitting across from them in a restaurant has a blank stare or is drooling more than normal.
Ethnic Gesturing Syndrome – EGS can strike anyone whose ancestors did not come over on the Mayflower. You may have it if you have ever accidentally poked someone’s eye out while describing the size of someone else’s genitalia.
Obnoxious Sports Fan Syndrome – OSFS is not fatal, but seek help immediately if you have ever tried to pick your nose with a big foam rubber “We’re Number One” finger.
Fear not if you suffer from any of the above. Chances are the marketing folks from any number of pharmaceutical companies already have calculated how much you are willing to pay them to rid yourself of these afflictions -- whether you know you have them or not.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Hey Spike Man — I really like your column. It cracks me up when you give people shit for their problems. I don’t really have a problem (at least not that I’m going to write to YOU about), but I wanted to get your opinion on something. This past weekend I went to my first Gay Pride and I was really disappointed. I’m a 17-year-old junior in high school and I just came out. All gay stuff is pretty new to me and I was really excited about Pride. I thought that I’d feel a real sense of community and that it would be some mind-blowing celebration of queerness. But it was just kind of dull.
In particular the parade was really boring. It was like most people didn’t put any thought into it at all. They just showed up and walked around carrying banners. The few floats were just like go-go boys on trucks. I thought gays were supposed to be really creative. I’ve been to Mardi Gras with my parents and that was awesome. It was obvious that the people put a lot of time and thought into costumes and floats and that they really wanted to entertain everyone. There was nothing entertaining about the Pride parade.
I stopped by the events on the Boston Common afterward and that was pretty dull, too. I just expected a lot more energy and festivity from the whole day.
Am I missing something? Did I maybe not go to the right events? Obviously I’m too young to go to the block party or any of the stuff in bars. What are your thoughts about Gay Pride? To me it just seemed like a lot of nothing special.
— Young Queer, Wellesley, MA
Dear Young — Sorry Virginia, but there reallly is NO Santa Claus. Contrary to what you may have seen on HG-TV, not all gay men are effortlessly creative nor have the natural ability to throw a fabulous event at the drop of a sequined glove...and, of course, we would NEVER count on lesbians for such things. And while he’s at it—since you’re clearly naive and grew up in Wellesley—Spike should probably also tell you that we don’t all have style (Carson Kressley looks like a bag of Skittles threw up on him), not all black people can dance (trust Spike: if you saw his best friend shaking his groove thang out on the floor you’d probably try to wrestle him to the ground and shove a phenobarbitol down his throat), and not all Asians are good at math (though that driving stereotype may well be true since Spike has yet to see a Chinese NASCAR driver).
Unfortunately, my young friend, you were born about 35 years too late to experience Gay Pride in all its wonder. What you saw was a grim reanactment of its former glory, like an old whore tarted up to look fresh and new from a distance, but tired and worn the closer you get.
In his younger days Spike went to quite a few Pride events, and like you, at first his expectation ran high. The more he saw, however, the more disenchanted he became and eventually he stopped going. As you noted about this year, the parades were always boring. They lacked cohesive themes, grandeur, and entertainment value. And the rest of the day’s events fell into two categories: touchy feely, PBS-style gatherings on Boston Common, or frenzied drug- and drink-fueled partying, neither of which was quite a fit for young Spike (though he obviously preferred the latter).
The events on the Common kind of felt like going to a Unitarian church. Everyone seemed all well intentioned and nice, but the spirit and passion were missing. On the other end of the spectrum, the block party just seemed like an excuse for guys to demonstrate how much time they’d been spending at the gym or tanning salon and how much Ecstasy they could consume before falling into a coma. While Spike is all for excessive drinking and illicit drug use, he just can’t abide any activity that threatens his vampiric pallor.
Conceptually Spike has had issues with the whole idea of Gay Pride for a while now. First of all there’s no such thing as a gay community. It’s not like we all think alike or have the same life experiences just because we’re all gay. And it’s not like we have monthly meetings or a newsletter or anything (unless Spike just isn’t on the mailing list). The reality is that gay people come in many varieties. Some are rich, some are poor. Some are white collar, some are blue collar. We encompass all ages, shapes, ethnicities, religions, social classes, and political persuasions, and most times our values are shaped more by those things than the fact that we all happen to be homos. It’s disingenuous to suggest that there is any significant commonality that binds us all together and that we are a genuine community.
Second of all, events like the parade have lost their meaning.
Clearly when Pride (or more accurately the parades) started there was a purpose: visibility. It was an opportunity to show the rest of the world that we existed in numbers they hadn’t imagined and that we weren’t willing to stay hidden any longer. It was a way to make a statement: the whole “We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it” thing.
And when AIDS became an epidemic, Pride events drew people together around the issue. Again there was a value because it allowed gay people to say, “We’re not willing to accept the government’s silence on this plague which is afflicting so many of us.” Fighting AIDS became a rallying point, and in Spike’s opinion, Pride events served an invaluable purpose: they put actual faces on the disease, raised awareness, helped educate, and drew support.
But now what’s the point? And just so Spike can’t be accused of being a self-hating queer, he should point out that he feels the same way about St. Patrick’s Day parades and their ilk. They’ve outlived their usefulness. Spike is half Irish, but does he really feel the need to march to celebrate the fact that he’s descended from a pack of war-mongering potato farmers? The Irish have achieved as much equality as they can handle. Let it go.
So is Spike suggesting that Gay Pride just disappear? No. Just that it needs to evolve so that it’s relevant. There are still a lot of problems facing gay people: marriage inequality; a huge drug problem; AIDS (though that has obviously moved far beyond the gay world); and prejudice. Gay Pride does serve as a yearly reminder that those problems still exist and that’s valuable because it spurs financial and political support. But visibility is no longer one of our problems. You can’t turn on the TV or see a movie now without seeing gay people or gay characters. Pride as it currently exists has long passed its “sell by date." But that doesn’t mean it couldn’t become something of value...or fun...again.
On the value side, things like Black History Month are great. Their purpose is to educate people about the significant contributions various groups have made to the world. Cultural events like the Italian Festival in the North End are also great because they keep alive and celebrate the cultural heritage and uniqueness of individual groups that are in danger of being lost. Gay people have made invaluable cultural, scientific, political, etc... contributions to the world. Why not put together an event that actually celebrates those and educates people?
Okay, so that has the potential of being a real snore, so why not just decide that the whole thing is just for fun and put on a hellacious good party? Mardi Gras is a great example of that. What started out as a last celebration before lent has turned into a massive entertainment spectacle. It is now a cultural event. Yes, it’s also an excuse for a lot of people to get together and misbehave, but at it’s core it’s a celebration of the culture of New Orleans (which essentially is about people getting together and misbehaving). It’s also a huge economic boon for the city.
Pride could be that. In fact, in Sydney it was...for a while. Our Aussie brothers and sisters understood that if you throw a good party everyone will come and that that’s a great way to break down barriers. A few years ago the Sydney Pride Parade drew over two million spectators and participants from around the world. Unfortunately there are apparently no good gay accountants so they got in a little over their heads, but they had the right idea...or ONE right idea.
Let's face it, over time things become regimented, calcified and ossified. What starts out as a good idea that inspires lots of grassroots energy and creativity eventually becomes rote. Committees are formed and budgets are set and Instead of coming up with new, fresh ideas, they roll out the same things year after year because they worked once in 1972. In Spike’s opinion, that’s what’s happened to Pride...at least in Boston.
Spike supposes that for some who came out of the dark ages when homosexuality was necessarily hidden, Pride still has some power. They still feel empowered by the visibility. But for most of us it really serves no purpose anymore. It’s just a yearly ritual, like a Joan Rivers’ face lift...and like that face lift, it’s really not working that well anymore.
Pride needs to decide what it wants to be now that it’s grown up. Or maybe it needs to stop being grown up. The reality is that new ideas come from younger people. The older you get the more you rely on what’s worked before. You stop taking risks and trying new things. Maybe it’s time for the old guard to step down and turn over the reins to a new generation and let them re-interpret what Pride is all about from scratch. Of course there are risks in turning things over to a generation of tubby, electronic-device-obsessed Ritalin addicts, but hey, they couldn’t make it any more boring.
So Young Queer, Spike suggests that you take your disappointment with this year’s Pride events as a call to action. If you think there’s value in celebrating Gay Pride, then find a way to do it that’s more meaningful (or entertaining). Prove to the rest of us that you and your contemporaries aren’t just a bunch of useless, Paris Hilton wannabes.
Or if you don’t feel up to that challenge, then go to the gym, bleach your hair, start smoking crystal meth and get a fake ID and I’m sure you’ll find Pride a lot more enjoyable...at least for a few years.
Ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — HELP! I think my partner is turning into a drag queen! Not seriously, but for as long as we’ve been together (coming up on 8 years), every Halloween Ken and his two closest friends have dressed in drag. They’ve been the Supremes (and you can imagine how much they argued over who was going to be Diana Ross), Charlie’s Angels (ditto Farrah Fawcett), Destiny’s Child (ditto Beyonce), Salt n Pepa with Spinderella (no fights on that one), Xena triplets, former first ladies, etc...and each year the preparations start earlier and earlier. The first few years they started planning in early October, then it moved to Labor Day, then the 4th of July, and now, much to my horror, they were talking about it at our annual Memorial Day barbecue. It’s only May, for God’s Sake...and how many Dream Girls does one city need on Halloween night anyway?
I should tell you that Ken is 50 years old, 6’ 3” and 250 pounds. When he’s in drag he looks like George Foreman in a wig. No matter how much makeup and how many sequins he puts on he’s never going to look remotely like a woman, nor will any of his friends.
I just don’t get it. What’s attraction for a bunch of otherwise normal men to dress up like fat, ugly women every year? Is it all just harmless fun, or do you think Ken is suppressing transvestite tendencies and that he just uses Halloween as an excuse to indulge them? I wouldn’t mind if he alternated some non-drag costumes, but the fact that he never even considers dressing as a guy and that the costume planning is taking up more and more time (not to mention money) worries me. It seems to be becoming an obsession.
Do you think I have a reason to be worried, and if so, what should I do?
— Ricardo, Philadelphia
Dear Ricardo — Do you need to be worried? Gee, you have a 50-year-old boyfriend who still dresses up for Halloween. What do you think?
First of all, you mentioned both “drag” and “transvestite tendencies.” Normally Spike wouldn’t get bogged down in details, but since he received three letters relating to the same subject (and because Wikipedia makes doing research SOOOO easy for lazy people), he thinks it might be useful to make some distinctions in our terms.
The term “transvestite” was first coined by Magnus Hirschfeld in his 1910 book, "The Transvestites: An Investigation of the Erotic Urge to Disguise” to describe people who habitually and voluntarily wore clothing of the opposite sex. Since then the term has undergone several changes (and Spike encourages anyone interested in the details to read the full Wikipedia listing), but in modern usage, transvestites can be broken down into 3 basic categories: those who dress as the opposite gender because internally they identify with that gender (transgendered people); those who do so for fetishistic reasons (it sexually arouses them); and those who do it simply because they enjoy or are comfortable wearing the clothing of the opposite sex. Those who fall into this last category are generally straight males. Their behavior is motivated neither by transgendered feelings nor sexual impulse. In fact, most don’t even identify themselves as transvestites, but rather as cross-dressers. In all three cases, though, we’re talking about behavior which is habitual and psychologically motivated.
Drag, on the other hand, is not psychologically motivated. It’s a choice. Yes, some people use it for serious purposes like making statements about roles and gender in society, but it’s still just a choice, and for most it’s just an occasional lark. From what you describe, Ken and his friends are doing drag, not practicing transvestism. If Ken had “transvestite tendencies” he would hardly be satisfied with dressing up once a year.
So why the drag obsession? Spike doesn’t know, but drag is a longstanding part of gay history and culture and seems to be a rite of passage for many gay men and women. From what Spike has been told, it can be quite liberating and fun (although Spike would, of course, make a FIERCE drag queen, he’s never had the desire to find out). There are many sociological reasons why drag is such an important part of gay culture, but if you want Spike to explain them all to you you’ll have to pay him $50,000 a year and give him summers off.
Now, you don’t say whether Ken and his friends did drag prior to the point when you began dating him, but chances are they did. And maybe the first few times they did it to be daring or because it made them feel like they were being outrageous, and maybe they even tried to look real. But by this point it probably doesn’t even cross their minds to do anything other than drag. They’ve established a tradition and the whole ritual is undoubtedly a bonding experience for them. Maybe it’s a way for them to reconnect with their youth once a year, or maybe they just enjoy trying to outdo themselves. Either way, it seems like harmless fun.
Keep in mind, too, that Ken and his friends don’t just dress as random women. They’re very specific women who are cultural icons, and since the boys apparently make no effort whatsoever to look “real,” it sounds like what they’re really doing is indulging their taste for that other great staple of gayness: camp.
It seems to Spike that the only legitimate concern you might have is with the cost of Ken’s costumes, and if you share a joint checking account you have every right to weigh in and ask him to set a reasonable budget. Otherwise Spike suggests you just grin and bear it, or maybe even try to get into the spirit yourself (unless you feel that you’d be intruding). After all, there were actually four Dream Girls. Or if the idea of doing drag doesn’t work for you, you could always be James “Early” Thunder.
So just relax and let your man’s freak flag fly for one day a year.
Dear Spike — I recently met a really cute guy. We’ve gone on a couple of dates and have had a really good time. But the thing is that he’s a professional drag queen at one of the local clubs. I’ve actually seen him perform (he’s very good) but had no idea it was the same person until he told me. In his every day life there’s nothing about him that would suggest he dresses as a woman. He’s actually quite masculine. He is small and very slender, but he’s Vietnamese so that isn’t unusual.
It doesn’t bother me that he makes his living doing drag, but is there anything I should know before becoming seriously involved with a professional drag queen?
— Shane, Chicago, IL
Dear Shane — Here Spike is trying to keep things nice and simple for the readers and then you come along with a whole other category: guys who dress as women professionally. Leave it to someone from the middle of the country to screw it all up. Like fucking up our presidential elections isn’t bad enough?
Actually we’re not really talking about a whole new category. What we’re talking about is someone who’s found a way to make a living by turning their existing behavior into a career. Chances are your boy didn’t just wake up one day and think, “I bet I could make some cash if I started lip-synching in a wig.” No, more likely he had already begun dressing in ladies’ clothes (or had the desire to) and realized he could turn it to his advantage. Whether that’s because he feels transgendered (unlikely since you intimated that he dresses as a woman only when performing), he gets off on the feel of silk panties against his sack, or he just enjoys it, is impossible to say based on the information you’ve given, but it would probably be in your best interest to find out since his reason could impact the relationship.
Otherwise, what do you need to know if you’re going to date him seriously? Well, imagine two gay men moving in together and all the space they’d need for their clothes, shoes, beauty products, and hair gel. Okay, now imagine if Anna Nicole Smith moved in with them, too. You get the picture.
Dear Spike — I’m a straight guy in my early 30s and I’ve been married for 7 years. My marriage is great and I’m very happy, but I'm worried because I like dressing up in my wife’s bras and panties occasionally when she’s not home.
My thing for bras and panties actually started when was in junior high. I was home alone and saw some of my sister’s in the laundry basket and tried them on. It made me feel sexy and I liked the way I looked.
It’s definitely not a gay or gender confusion thing. I don’t have any sexual feelings toward men and I don’t feel like I’m a woman trapped in a man’s body. I also have no desire to wear them all the time. I just occasionally get the urge to put some on and masturbate.
I’ve also never bought any bras or panties my own. They’ve always belonged to someone I know like my sister or wife or friends at college. For some reason the idea of buying them for myself doesn’t appeal to me. In fact, that would feel wrong to me, like I was crossing the line.
Do you think that I’m abnormal? Is this something I should be concerned about, like it’s just the tip of the iceberg and pretty soon I’ll want to wear bras and panties all the time? Do you think I should tell my wife?
— Pretty in Pink, Boston
Dear Pretty — You’ve been wearing your wife’s panties for 7 years and she hasn’t noticed yet? Either you have an extremely small package or your wife is pushing a huge camel toe.
Are you abnormal? Define normal for Spike and he’ll let you know. Is this just the tip of the iceberg? Probably not. If an occasional round of self-abuse in ladies’ undergarments has been enough to keep you going for 20-something years it’ll probably be enough for the next 40 or 50. Should you tell your wife? Well, that depends on what you hope to accomplish.
Spike isn’t smart enough to know what motivated you to try on your sister’s unmentionables in the first place, but it’s pretty clear what about the ritual excites you now. Sexual proclivities and attractions are developed early on. When you first tried on your sister’s bra and panties you were at an extremely impressionable age when your hormones were racing. At that stage almost anything can become sexualized. That’s not to say that if you’d tried on your grandpa’s hat that day instead you’d be whacking it in a fedora now instead of the latest from Victoria’s Secret, but almost. That you happened, for whatever reason, to choose your sister’s undergarments defined the parameters of your fetish. The fact that you only dress in undergarments of women you know and that you feel that buying them for yourself would be crossing the line suggests that part of the excitement for you is the connection. It’s not just any panties that get you off, but the panties of someone you know. The other part of the ritual is that it’s something you do in secret, knowing that it’s “wrong.” You enjoy being a naughty boy again doing something you feel you shouldn’t.
Now imagine that you tell your wife about your fetish. What will happen? Well, maybe you’ll get lucky and she’ll just be completely freaked out and dump you or put you in therapy. Or maybe she’ll accept your fetish, and then what will happen? Well, of course she’ll try to organize it...just like the play dates she tries to set up between you and her friends’ husbands all the time. Instead of the illicit thrill of doing something you know you shouldn’t in secret you’ll have “special times” to indulge your fetish, and she’ll set aside a “special” pair of bra and panties for you that she won’t even wear anymore. Will that still be exciting for you? Spike doubts it, but hey, if you’re trying to “cure” yourself, go ahead and tell the wife.
Well all this cross-dressing talk has Spike yearning for a trip to Abercrombie & Fitch...where men are men and they ALL dress like teenage girls.
So ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Politics / Humor - The biographies “A Woman in Charge: The Life of Hillary Rodham Clinton” by Carl Bernstein, and the soon-to-be-released “Her Way: The Hopes and Ambitions of Hillary Rodham Clinton” by Jeff Gerth and Don Van Natta Jr. paint a less-than flattering portrait of the presidential contender. The books do not deal fatal blows to her campaign, but can she withstand the almost certain stream of tell-all books to follow? Here are a few examples of what Senator Clinton can expect:
• “Nothing Rankles Like Fat Ankles: My Seven Months in Hell as Hillary Clinton’s Pilates Instructor” by Stretch Dubenstein
• “I’m OK, You’re Dead If You Tell Anyone I’m Not OK: Dr. Phil’s Conversations with Hillary Clinton” by Dr. Phil
• “A Convenient Truth: Global Freezing Within 10 Yards of Hillary Clinton” by Frosty Hillerman
• “The Audacity of Proposing Comprehensive Universal Health Care: It looked Good on Paper” by Dr. What.
• “The year of Revengeful Thinking: After Hillary Clinton Met Her Private Investigator” by Betsé Frappuccino (staff cleaning woman for TMZ.com)
• “Harry Potter and the Wonk from Shrew” by J. K. Rowling
• “The 978 ‘Other’ Women You’ll Meet in Hell” by Monica Lewinsky
• “Red Pantsuits for a Blue Lady: The Night Wayne Newton Slept in the Lincoln Bedroom” by Shecky Green
• “Never Tell Senator Clinton Her Bra Strap is Showing: One Intern’s Semester in Hell” by Sybil Gorman
• “Vince Foster’s Brain is Alive and Living in Chappaqua” by Tom Delay
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
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