Faith, Hope and Charity?
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — After I graduated from college six years ago I moved in with my parents and started working at a bank in my hometown. It’s the kind of town where the opening of the “99” was the biggest thing that had happened in years. In other words, nothing happens there. It’s like taking a trip back in time to Mayberry or something.
At the time I was all YFAG (Young, Fabulous And Gay) and most people in town looked at me with my funky glasses and bleached hair like I had two heads. There was one other person at the bank, though, (I’ll call her Faith) who seemed like she was on the same wave length. She was a few years older, but she always dressed in cool retro clothes and tinted her hair electric colors. Since we were the only two misfits in town, we began hanging out. At the time I still wasn’t legal so she’d invite me over sometimes for drinks. Mostly, though, we just sat around drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes and making fun of all the customers and people we worked with. Since there was nothing else going on in my life at the time it was kind of fun. At least it helped pass the hours of tedium.
We worked together for about a year and then she got a job at a different bank and I turned 21 and starting heading into the city to gay bars at night. We didn’t see each other as much, but we still talked every day. A few months later I met a guy and we bought a house together and Faith got married. We still talked a lot, but we only got together once every few months. We both had other priorities and I assumed that eventally our relationship would just die out. That seemed to be the case as our conversations dwindled down to about once a month.
Flash forward 4 years: I’m no longer with the same guy but I’m in an amazing relationship, have a good job, and a great house. Faith is divorced, working the same job, and living in the same town. And she’s started calling me again every day. Most of the time I just let it go through to voicemail, but occasionally I feel guilty and answer and she just starts blabbing away like it’s still 2001 and we’re still best buddies working at the bank.
I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to offend her or hurt her feelings because she’s a very nice person, but I don’t want to encourage her either. I have no interest in rekindling our relationship. I’m not even sure I ever really considered her a friend. It’s kind of cruel to say, but she was just all there was at the time. But that time is long gone and I don’t feel the need to relive our experiences at the bank every time we talk.
Faith seems like she’s stuck in a time warp. When she was married she became all normal. She started dressing like a married suburban woman in her thirties. Now she’s back in her retro duds with her magenta hair and what once seemed interesting and quirky now seems like a tired schtick. And when she talks about herself she still seems to think that she’s wacky and different from everyone else, yet she’s hanging out in the same town with the same people in the same job, and her best friend is her mom.
What should I do? Should I just keep ignoring her as much as possible and hope she’ll move on, or should I do an “intervention” and talk to her about the fact that she’s trying to relive past glories? Actually I don’t even want to do that. That would be opening up a whole can of worms and I just don’t feel enough of a connection to her to get that involved in her life. So what do you suggest?
— Happily Moved On, Newton, MA
Dear Happily — This certainly seems like a serious situation and Spike thinks that drastic measures are required. He prescribes a “Ringwald Intervention.” Invite Faith over to your house for movie night to watch all of the mid-late-80s John Hughes oeuvre (excluding anything with Macauley Culkin). Then halfway through “Pretty In Pink,” turn to her and casually remark, “Did I ever tell you how much you remind me of Duckie?” If a comparison to circa-1986 Jon Cryer doesn’t shock her back to the present then Spike doesn’t know what will.
Seriously, it sounds like Faith was already living in a time warp when you first met her, so Spike thinks that trying to introduce her to 2007 would be a waste of time. I mean, what kind of self-respecting cool chick was still trying to work that Cyndi Lauper mojo in 2001? Even in a small town where fashion trends arrive five years late that is just WRONG!
But that aside, it does sound like Faith is trying to recapture an earlier time in her life when things were simpler and she was happier. She’s going to need to live with that for a while until she gets sick of herself and decides to move on. That process will happen only with time, however, (if at all) and it’s something she has to do on her own. There’s nothing you can do to help her...plus, as you so honestly admit, you really don’t care enough to get involved. So Spike suggests just leaving that whole ugly business to Faith.
As for your relationship, what you had with Faith was an FOC (Friendship of Convenience). You were stuck in a similar situation at the same time so you bonded. This sort of thing happens all the time, like the conversations people strike up while waiting in line at the DMV. They are temporary relationships built on a momentary shared experience. Sometimes, when there are actual common interests, these FOCs can develop into lasting friendships, but usually they end as soon as the immediate experience is over. You, apparently, have gotten your license and driven off to greener pastures (okay, so Spike is mixing metaphors here) while Faith is still waiting in line, wondering why the light were turned off.
If you felt that there was a basis for a deeper friendship, Spike would suggest making an active effort to move things out of the past and change the nature of your relationship. But since it doesn’t sound like you feel that basis is there, he suggests staying the course. Ignore her until the guilt overwhelms you, and then tolerate your infrequent chats. Over time she’ll either get the hint and stop calling as much, or her own life will become more fulfilling and she won’t feel the need to call as often. Or maybe she’ll just get pissed at you like only a wacky fat girl can (Spike is making a guess about the fat girl part) and stop calling all together. Whichever way it goes down will be good for you.
So good luck with your fabulous life in the suburbs, my little friend. Spike wishes you many years of joyful picket fence painting and PTA bake sales.
Ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
