First of all, you mentioned both “drag” and “transvestite tendencies.” Normally Spike wouldn’t get bogged down in details, but since he received three letters relating to the same subject (and because Wikipedia makes doing research SOOOO easy for lazy people), he thinks it might be useful to make some distinctions in our terms.

The term “transvestite” was first coined by Magnus Hirschfeld in his 1910 book, "The Transvestites: An Investigation of the Erotic Urge to Disguise” to describe people who habitually and voluntarily wore clothing of the opposite sex. Since then the term has undergone several changes (and Spike encourages anyone interested in the details to read the full Wikipedia listing), but in modern usage, transvestites can be broken down into 3 basic categories: those who dress as the opposite gender because internally they identify with that gender (transgendered people); those who do so for fetishistic reasons (it sexually arouses them); and those who do it simply because they enjoy or are comfortable wearing the clothing of the opposite sex. Those who fall into this last category are generally straight males. Their behavior is motivated neither by transgendered feelings nor sexual impulse. In fact, most don’t even identify themselves as transvestites, but rather as cross-dressers. In all three cases, though, we’re talking about behavior which is habitual and psychologically motivated.

Drag, on the other hand, is not psychologically motivated. It’s a choice. Yes, some people use it for serious purposes like making statements about roles and gender in society, but it’s still just a choice, and for most it’s just an occasional lark. From what you describe, Ken and his friends are doing drag, not practicing transvestism. If Ken had “transvestite tendencies” he would hardly be satisfied with dressing up once a year.

So why the drag obsession? Spike doesn’t know, but drag is a longstanding part of gay history and culture and seems to be a rite of passage for many gay men and women. From what Spike has been told, it can be quite liberating and fun (although Spike would, of course, make a FIERCE drag queen, he’s never had the desire to find out). There are many sociological reasons why drag is such an important part of gay culture, but if you want Spike to explain them all to you you’ll have to pay him $50,000 a year and give him summers off.

Now, you don’t say whether Ken and his friends did drag prior to the point when you began dating him, but chances are they did. And maybe the first few times they did it to be daring or because it made them feel like they were being outrageous, and maybe they even tried to look real. But by this point it probably doesn’t even cross their minds to do anything other than drag. They’ve established a tradition and the whole ritual is undoubtedly a bonding experience for them. Maybe it’s a way for them to reconnect with their youth once a year, or maybe they just enjoy trying to outdo themselves. Either way, it seems like harmless fun.

Keep in mind, too, that Ken and his friends don’t just dress as random women. They’re very specific women who are cultural icons, and since the boys apparently make no effort whatsoever to look “real,” it sounds like what they’re really doing is indulging their taste for that other great staple of gayness: camp.

It seems to Spike that the only legitimate concern you might have is with the cost of Ken’s costumes, and if you share a joint checking account you have every right to weigh in and ask him to set a reasonable budget. Otherwise Spike suggests you just grin and bear it, or maybe even try to get into the spirit yourself (unless you feel that you’d be intruding). After all, there were actually four Dream Girls. Or if the idea of doing drag doesn’t work for you, you could always be James “Early” Thunder.

So just relax and let your man’s freak flag fly for one day a year.

Dear Spike — I recently met a really cute guy. We’ve gone on a couple of dates and have had a really good time. But the thing is that he’s a professional drag queen at one of the local clubs. I’ve actually seen him perform (he’s very good) but had no idea it was the same person until he told me. In his every day life there’s nothing about him that would suggest he dresses as a woman. He’s actually quite masculine. He is small and very slender, but he’s Vietnamese so that isn’t unusual.

It doesn’t bother me that he makes his living doing drag, but is there anything I should know before becoming seriously involved with a professional drag queen?

— Shane, Chicago, IL

Dear Shane — Here Spike is trying to keep things nice and simple for the readers and then you come along with a whole other category: guys who dress as women professionally. Leave it to someone from the middle of the country to screw it all up. Like fucking up our presidential elections isn’t bad enough?

Actually we’re not really talking about a whole new category. What we’re talking about is someone who’s found a way to make a living by turning their existing behavior into a career. Chances are your boy didn’t just wake up one day and think, “I bet I could make some cash if I started lip-synching in a wig.” No, more likely he had already begun dressing in ladies’ clothes (or had the desire to) and realized he could turn it to his advantage. Whether that’s because he feels transgendered (unlikely since you intimated that he dresses as a woman only when performing), he gets off on the feel of silk panties against his sack, or he just enjoys it, is impossible to say based on the information you’ve given, but it would probably be in your best interest to find out since his reason could impact the relationship.

Otherwise, what do you need to know if you’re going to date him seriously? Well, imagine two gay men moving in together and all the space they’d need for their clothes, shoes, beauty products, and hair gel. Okay, now imagine if Anna Nicole Smith moved in with them, too. You get the picture.

Dear Spike — I’m a straight guy in my early 30s and I’ve been married for 7 years. My marriage is great and I’m very happy, but I'm worried because I like dressing up in my wife’s bras and panties occasionally when she’s not home.

My thing for bras and panties actually started when was in junior high. I was home alone and saw some of my sister’s in the laundry basket and tried them on. It made me feel sexy and I liked the way I looked.

It’s definitely not a gay or gender confusion thing. I don’t have any sexual feelings toward men and I don’t feel like I’m a woman trapped in a man’s body. I also have no desire to wear them all the time. I just occasionally get the urge to put some on and masturbate.

I’ve also never bought any bras or panties my own. They’ve always belonged to someone I know like my sister or wife or friends at college. For some reason the idea of buying them for myself doesn’t appeal to me. In fact, that would feel wrong to me, like I was crossing the line.

Do you think that I’m abnormal? Is this something I should be concerned about, like it’s just the tip of the iceberg and pretty soon I’ll want to wear bras and panties all the time? Do you think I should tell my wife?

— Pretty in Pink, Boston

Dear Pretty — You’ve been wearing your wife’s panties for 7 years and she hasn’t noticed yet? Either you have an extremely small package or your wife is pushing a huge camel toe.

Are you abnormal? Define normal for Spike and he’ll let you know. Is this just the tip of the iceberg? Probably not. If an occasional round of self-abuse in ladies’ undergarments has been enough to keep you going for 20-something years it’ll probably be enough for the next 40 or 50. Should you tell your wife? Well, that depends on what you hope to accomplish.

Spike isn’t smart enough to know what motivated you to try on your sister’s unmentionables in the first place, but it’s pretty clear what about the ritual excites you now. Sexual proclivities and attractions are developed early on. When you first tried on your sister’s bra and panties you were at an extremely impressionable age when your hormones were racing. At that stage almost anything can become sexualized. That’s not to say that if you’d tried on your grandpa’s hat that day instead you’d be whacking it in a fedora now instead of the latest from Victoria’s Secret, but almost. That you happened, for whatever reason, to choose your sister’s undergarments defined the parameters of your fetish. The fact that you only dress in undergarments of women you know and that you feel that buying them for yourself would be crossing the line suggests that part of the excitement for you is the connection. It’s not just any panties that get you off, but the panties of someone you know. The other part of the ritual is that it’s something you do in secret, knowing that it’s “wrong.” You enjoy being a naughty boy again doing something you feel you shouldn’t.

Now imagine that you tell your wife about your fetish. What will happen? Well, maybe you’ll get lucky and she’ll just be completely freaked out and dump you or put you in therapy. Or maybe she’ll accept your fetish, and then what will happen? Well, of course she’ll try to organize it...just like the play dates she tries to set up between you and her friends’ husbands all the time. Instead of the illicit thrill of doing something you know you shouldn’t in secret you’ll have “special times” to indulge your fetish, and she’ll set aside a “special” pair of bra and panties for you that she won’t even wear anymore. Will that still be exciting for you? Spike doubts it, but hey, if you’re trying to “cure” yourself, go ahead and tell the wife.

Well all this cross-dressing talk has Spike yearning for a trip to Abercrombie & Fitch...where men are men and they ALL dress like teenage girls.

So ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.