Living in Syndrome
Humor - Restless-Legs Syndrome is proof modern medicine will stop at nothing to discover and eradicate ailments we never knew existed. It is now safe to sleep without your limbs involuntarily break dancing, but pharmaceutical companies will not rest until they find more disorders which can be cured or controlled with a “magic” pill. Here are just a few they may be working on.
Clueless President Syndrome – Often misdiagnosed as mental retardation, victims of CPS suffer from lack of concentration, inability to process information not printed on index cards, and an unquestioning belief in themselves and the Easter Bunny.
Angry Middle Finger Syndrome – Talk to your doctor about AMFS if you ever punched out an elderly person in a walker for having more than 10 items in an Express line.
Bursting Seams Syndrome – Unlike people with OCD (Obsessive-compulsive disorder) who repeat tasks over and over, BSS sufferers spend countless hours doing one thing: trying to fit into clothes that are 10 sizes too small. The only known treatment until now has been spandex, which in many cases causes extreme nausea for those forced to watch a set of gigantic love handles jiggling through Wal-Mart.
Wayward Penis Syndrome – There are two theories about WPS among the mostly-male scientists who have spent years studying it: a) It is the most enjoyable project they have worked on. b) Whoever rats out their scam to the higher-ups is a dead man.
Complaining He Never Leaves the Toilet Seat Down Syndrome – If you have CHNLTTSDS, you probably also have HNTTGOT (He Never Takes The Garbage Out Syndrome) and OSHJSOTCWHHDHPAWTFGS (On Sunday He Just Sits On The Couch With His Hand Down His Pants And Watches The Football Game Syndrome).
Complaining About Her Complaining He Never Leaves the Toilet Seat Down Syndrome – Victims of CAHCHNLTTSDS usually also suffer from MTTHTTS (Miss The Toilet Half The Time Syndrome).
Biting Satire Syndrome – BSS is not serious health threat unless you find yourself frequenting your local 7-Eleven while wearing a silk robe and sipping a martini.
Chatty Date Syndrome – Females may have CDS if the man sitting across from them in a restaurant has a blank stare or is drooling more than normal.
Ethnic Gesturing Syndrome – EGS can strike anyone whose ancestors did not come over on the Mayflower. You may have it if you have ever accidentally poked someone’s eye out while describing the size of someone else’s genitalia.
Obnoxious Sports Fan Syndrome – OSFS is not fatal, but seek help immediately if you have ever tried to pick your nose with a big foam rubber “We’re Number One” finger.
Fear not if you suffer from any of the above. Chances are the marketing folks from any number of pharmaceutical companies already have calculated how much you are willing to pay them to rid yourself of these afflictions -- whether you know you have them or not.
