The Evil In-Laws
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — In general I think you’re an arch, bitchy, misogynistic queen, but you also seem pretty sensible so I’ve decided to swallow my pride and ask for your advice.
My girlfriend, Mimi, and I have been together for 7 years and living together for 6 (so there, smart ass; proof that not all lesbians move in together on the second date). The relationship itself is great and we’re in the process of buying our first condo together. The problem is Mimi’s parents. As far as they’re concerned I don’t exist.
It’s not a homophobia thing. Mimi’s sister is also a lesbian and her parents seem to adore her sister’s partner. They just don’t like me. Now admittedly I’m no lipstick lesbian (or even a nondescript one like Mimi, her sister, and her sister’s girlfriend). I'm sure most people look at me and immediately think “DYKE." And I’m a pretty direct, shoot-from-the-hip kind of gal, which I know some people find abrasive. But so far as I can remember I’ve never said or done anything specifically to offend Mimi’s parents. I also happen to be extremely well educated and cultured so it’s not like I’m trailer trash.
I’ve given up on ever being friends with Mimi’s parents, but I’d like them to at least be civil toward me. This past weekend we all went condo-hunting together, and aside from the fact that they never spoke a word to me, when I dropped something in the backseat and leaned down to pick it up her father took the opportunity to elbow me in the head...and didn’t even acknowledge it or apologize.
For her part, Mimi seems oblivious to the whole thing. Either she just doesn’t notice or she refuses to acknowledge that her parents treat me like shit.
I’ve had it with the whole situation. If it were just about me I’d never step foot in the same room with her parents again. But since we’re a couple and I don’t want to turn Mimi against her parents I feel like I should give it one last shot to develop some kind of tolerable relationships with these assholes.
What do you suggest? Should I invite them to lunch and ask them why they hate me? Or start putting ribbons in my hair and wearing Laura Ashley gowns every time I see them? Even though you’re a precious little queen any advice you can offer would be appreciated.
— Redheaded Stepchild, Jamaica Plain, MA
Dear Stepchild — Your girlfriend is named Mimi? What did you expect? The kinds of uptight, suburban WASPs who name their daughter Mimi want no truck with an edgy, robust dyke such as yourself. They like their lesbians demure, genteel, and subtle. They want a daughter-in-law like Dusty Springfield, not Joan Jett.
First of all, it would really help Spike understand the gravity of the situation if he could get a better picture of exactly what happened in the car. Was the father driving, in the passenger seat, or sitting next to you in the back? Was it just kind of an inadvertent bump, or did he actually strike you with some deliberate force, and was it to the side, top or back of your head? Did you make any kind of noise like a squeal or grunt when he hit you? Also, are you a petite woman or a big gal with a huge melon head like Rosie O’Donnell?
Okay, so actually none of these things will help Spike get a better understanding of the situation. He just wanted to get a better image in his mind because a melon-headed chick being purposely elbowed in the back of the head by the driver and letting out a loud grunt while bent over would make him laugh.
But back to your problem. Trying to disguise yourself in feminine drag at this point would be useless. That horse has already left the barn, so to speak. Besides, Spike gets the impression that no matter what you put on it magically transforms into ugly green cargo shorts, Birkenstocks and a purple wifebeater.
Spike also thinks you should avoid confronting Mimi’s parents yourself. Right now they’re choosing to pretend you don’t exist, but it doesn’t sound like they’re actively trying to break you and Mimi apart. If their passive dislike gets turned to active animosity that could change. The issue is really between Mimi and her parents anyway. Essentially they are disrespecting her choice for a partner and she’s the one who needs to address the issue with them.
Let Spike ask, though, do you truly think Mimi is oblivious to the situation, or is she choosing to ignore it out of convenience? Is she just so lost in her own thoughts that she doesn’t see what’s going on around her, or so used to seeing her parents act abusively toward people that she’s become immune to it? Or is she so afraid of displeasing them that she’s willing to throw you under the bus to keep the peace? You don’t give any information about how her parents behave around others so it’s impossible for Spike to offer an opinion. You also don’t say what sort of relationship they all have. Are they close? Are her parents actively involved in Mimi’s life in other areas? These are all important questions that need to be answered so you can understand the dynamic of what’s happening.
Spike thinks you need to sit Mimi down and tell her how you’re feeling. First ask her if her parents have ever told her how they feel about you, then tell her that you feel like her parents don’t like you and that their behavior toward you is hurtful. Be careful not to paint her parents as villains, however, because you don’t want to create a trouble spot in your relationship. In fact, tell her you support her relationship with her parents but just want to have a relationship with them yourself that allows you all to be together tolerably. In other words, just keep pulling those touchy-feely buzzwords that you dykes like so much out of your ass until you find the ones that work. Then tell Mimi that if she isn’t sure how to approach her parents she should write to Spike...because Spike is always looking for more trivial problems to fill his column.
If Mimi does address the issue with her parents, however, you’ve got to be prepared to set aside the past (that’s right, you’ll actually have to let one of your beloved issues go) and make an active reciprocal effort to be civil toward them. You may even have to feign occasional interest in their insipid lives in order to “show you care” (Ewwww, Spike got the willies just writing that).
On the other hand, if Mimi decides not to take action, or claims that the whole situation is all in your mind, then you’ll need to decide if she’s actually the right woman for you. But that’s a whole other issue, and of course you’d be more than welcome to write Spike another letter about it...because as he already said, Spike is always looking for more trivial problems to fill his column.
Now, as for your assessment of Spike as an “arch, bitchy, misogynistic queen.” Arch and bitchy? Perhaps. But a misogynistic queen? NEVER! Spike is no nelly queen and he doesn’t discriminate based on gender. In fact, to borrow from the parlance of the WWE, which of course ALL lesbians adore, any time you’re ready Spike would be only too happy to lay the smackdown on you...even if you are a woman...sort of. Spike is an equal opportunity ass-whooper. You pick the liquor store parking lot in Jamaica Plain (and Lord know there are enough from which to choose) and Spike will be there with bells on. Okay, so maybe not bells since that WOULD be pretty queenie, but with great alacrity.
But until that day, Spike wishes you the best of luck with your little lesbian drama.
So ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
