But Spike digresses. Apparently your major was not business, Harry, because if it were you’d know that the first rule of business is never to enter an already-saturated market with a product identical to that of all of your competitors. To stand out you need to offer something different, so your lack of sculpted, gleaming musculature could actually be a competitive advantage.

But let’s start with your original premise: that men don’t find you attractive because you’re not muscular. Do you honestly think that guys are attracted only to guys with big muscles? If that were true then why did thousands of gay men start searching the internet for photos the second they heard that Daniel Radcliff was appearing nude in "Equus" (not counting the guys from NAMBLA or on sex offender lists)? No, Professor Spike is here to tell you that more than a few men find the charms of the "sexy nerd" quite irresistable. And now he’s going to open his Chamber of Secrets and reveal the TRUE magic for attracting men....CONFIDENCE! (oh, and codependency issues work really well if you want to entice men with substance abuse problems).

That’s right, Harry: all you need to cast your bewitching spell is a pinch of confidence, because confidence is sexy. Yes, a handsome face, a good sense of humor, intelligence, and a hot body help, but confidence can prevail over a lack of any (or all) of these. How else to explain Kid Rock bagging Pamela Anderson? Actually that might be another codependency issue thing so never mind.

Anyway, confidence is the key and your confidence shouldn’t be dependent on having big muscles, because no matter how hard you work out, and how many magic growing potions you drink (or inject), there’s always going to be someone bigger or more ripped. And the downside to big muscles is that they need to be maintained. It’s amazing how quickly 6-pack abs and rock hard pecs melt into a paunchy keg gut and a pair of saggy double-Ds without constant maintenance. Do you really want to sentence yourself to a lifetime of bench presses, squats and supplements just so you can look like every other clone in the clubs now?

Spike suggests that you focus instead on becoming comfortable with what you already have...which works especially well if you have a big penis since that's something all those guys at the gym can’t build no matter HOW MUCH time they spend pumping iron. Why do you think they’re trying to build all those muscles in the first place anyway? Hello! It’s called compensation. It’s the same reason middle aged men buy Porsches when they can’t get it up anymore without little blue pills. Oh wait...are you trying to tell us something? Ummm...sorry, Harry.

Anyhow, so does that mean you shouldn’t get a gym membership? Not necessarily. Regular exercise is good for you and may help you become more attuned to and comfortable with your body, which may help you build some confidence. And you may enjoy the sense of increased strength and stamina. But working out is NOT a prerequisite for being confident and attractive. Look at Jack Nicholson. Does he look like he’s ever worked out anything more than his fork hand? Hell no, but the guy gets more pussy than a room full of litterboxes. He’s an example of someone who is so supremely comfortable in his own skin and who exudes such confidence that he’s sexy despite the fact that he looks like Shelly Winters’ balding twin brother.

Now, if for some reason you decide that you absolutely must embrace the shallow existence of a gym bunny anyway, do yourself and everyone around you a favor and stay away from the steroids. In the short term steroids can lead to mood swings and unsightly zits on your back (a.k.a. back-ne). In the long term they can lead to organ failure, bone loss, shrinking testicles, and uncontrollable rage. And it’s not like you can take them just for a little while and then stop once you’ve achieved the results you want, because once you stop juicing your body begins to go back to its former state (except, of course, for the parts you’ve permanently damaged).

So Spike suggests that rather than trying to transform yourself into just another muscley gay guy, you embrace your inner Harry Potter. Not that you should start wearing a striped scarf and calling everyone Muggles (because first of all that would just be weird, and second of all one should avoid at all costs conjuring the word “Hogwarts” any time one is hoping to get naked with someone), but rather you should accept your Harry-esque essence and try to make it work for you.

In Potter terms, your lack of confidence is like a Dementor, sucking the life out of you in terms of the aura you project. And how do you drive away Dementors? Why with a bright, shiny sexy nerd Patronus, of course. So Spike suggests you try a confidence-building exercise. The next time you’re in a club, keep repeating to yourself, “I’m the hottest guy here who looks like a beloved childhood icon who isn’t purple” over and over, like an incantation. Visualize your confident vibrations filtering through the room like an intoxicating potion, casting its spell over the crowd. And then if no one still pays any attention to you, just walk up to the cutest guy you see and ask, “Would you like to see me work my magic wand?”, because after all, what gay guy doesn’t like a good trick?

So best of luck, my boy-wizard friend.

Ciao for now,
Spike

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.