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Politics / Humor - One, two, uh three, here’s what we’re fighting for
In a speech to US veterans of 20th century conflicts in Asia, President Bush pointed out the similarities between the Iraq and Vietnam conflicts -- again attempting to explain why yet another generation of privileged Americans must avoid dying their country.
Abortion, no abortion; gay marriage, no gay marriage; let’s call the whole thing off
Mitt Romney said as president he would allow individual states to keep abortion legal, two weeks after saying he supports a constitutional amendment to ban it. This may not be a good week for him to weigh on “tastes great or less filling.”
5 ways Hillary Clinton can get her negatives up
• Announce first order as president: have Bill fixed
• Give this sincerity thing a try
• Record love song duet CD with Michael Bolton
• New policy -- exhale at least once a week
• Three words -- wet pantsuit contest
Mess-achusetts Musings
About 500 leaks in Big Dig tunnels have not been fixed. In a related story, Boston Mayor Tom Menino dedicated 500 new water fountains.
Small Street Journal
A 17-year-old teenager has figured out a way to "unlock" iPhones so people can use carriers other than AT&T, Inc. He said it was almost as complicated as trying to read the AT&T service agreement.
Inside Scoop
When John Warner announced last week that President Bush should start bringing home some troops by Christmas, it was the first decision he's made since 1989 that wasn’t first signed off by Elizabeth Taylor.
Weekly Prediction
Republican Mike Huckabee will be forced to decide whether to continue his candidacy for president or open for Howie Mandel at Chuckles Comedy Club in Indianapolis.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.
Dear Spike — I have a rather unpleasant work-related problem. My desk is located near a bathroom. Under normal conditions it's not an ideal place to be. But to make matters worse, one daily user (a VP) always leaves it with what could best be described as the zesty scent of a rarely-serviced Calcutta bus station. I don't know what this guy eats, but I'm convinced Taco Bell has an all-the-spoiled-burritos-you-can-hold-down special.
I understand that when one has to do one's business one has to do one's business, but there's a large, multi-stall bathroom right down the hall from our office this guy could use. But instead he decides to favor me with his stench (maybe it's some sort of alpha male display) and I’m always worried that other people will smell it and think I have an intestinal disorder.
How should I handle this? As I said, he’s a vice president and I’m just a lowly administrative assistant so he’s much further up the food chain than I am. I’m seriously thinking about quitting just to get away from this situation.
— Working in a Toilet, Passaic, New Jersey
Dear Working — Are you certain that what you’re smelling is emanating from the bathroom? After all, you DO work in Passaic. Someone might just have opened a window. But Spike jests, of course. That would only happen if you worked in Newark or East Orange.
When Spike reads letters like yours he realizes just how lucky he is to work alone. He doesn’t want to even THINK about other people’s bodily functions never mind having to experience them in Sense-Surround. Fortunately, being that you are just a “lowly administrative assistant,” you really don’t have to deal with the problem yourself. That’s why bosses exist (you didn’t think they were actually there to like offer guidance or run the company, did you?).
As Spike sees it, you can handle it one of two ways. If your boss is a good guy/gal just tell him/her about it. If he/she is a dick, then Spike thinks it would only be fair to let him/her have the full olfactory experience personally. By now you probably have a pretty good handle on Mr. Stinky's movements, so to speak, so when you think he's about to make his exit call your boss with some lame excuse to get him/her to your desk. Then when you see your boss’ nostrils begin to flare in revulsion just casually say, “Oh yeah, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. It happens every morning.”
After that it’s the boss’ responsibility to address the problem...and also to protect you so that Toxic Ass can’t take retribution against you professionally. Spike thinks you should settle for nothing short of a raise, retroactive combat pay, and a new desk on the far side of the office.
If, however, your boss is a typical cowardly sycophant you may have to take matters into your own hands. Given your position in the pecking order, however, you’ll have to be careful, so Spike suggests a little covert pre-emptive strike. Wait until 9:50, go into the bathroom and remove all the toilet paper and paper towels. Then dribble water (or other liquid of your choice) all over the toilet seat and hurry back to your desk.
If that doesn’t work, then absolutely quit. Immediately. And be sure you don’t touch any doorknobs or light switches on your way out.
So best of luck, Working.
Ciao for now,
Spike
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Politics / Humor - Exit Karl Rove
Karl Rove is leaving Washington, presumably to spend more time with his family and question their patriotism. He can also finally pursue his ultimate dream -- train for the "Mr. Pasty White Guy" body building competition. The president will miss his faithful advisor and brain, but it’s reassuring to know Rove is only a dirty trick away.
Giuliani: “I’d like to see a menu and five forms of ID.”
After governing the city that green cards forgot, Rudy Giuliani wants us to believe he will put a stop to illegal immigration if elected president. The message is clear -- Mail order brides need not apply for the position of Mrs. Giuliani, número cuatro.
Mitt Romney: “This is divest I can do.”
Investments in embryonic stem-cell research and energy firms with business ties to Iran have not enhanced Romney’s conservative credentials. Here are some more he should avoid:
• Ronco illegal alien border-fence catapult
• Pfizer happy hour birth control pills
• Snap-on Tools’ easy-to-use opinion changer
• Parker Brothers Playboy mansion – home version
• China’s Best teeth whitener/antifreeze.
Mess-achusetts Musings
A 91-year-old Sutton man has been deported for being a Nazi involved in the destruction of Warsaw’s Jewish ghetto during World War II. When asked what he will miss most about the U.S.A., he replied, “Goose-stepping each year in the Southie St. Patrick's Day parade.”
Small Street Journal
Several publishers are offering excerpts of books that can be viewed on iPhones - "You've got to read ‘War and Peace,’ man. It's the greatest two paragraphs ever written!"
Don Imus may be returning to radio. As a concession, he will agree to dreadlock his eyebrows.
Inside Scoop
Barack Obama pledged to clean up Washington. Secret campaign plans call for the city to be world’s first lemon-scented capital.
Weekly Prediction
Fred Thompson will announce he only had A-C-L-U tattooed on his left buttock to win a bet.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Humor - Guest contributor, Chuck Durang
The White House and Congress expressed anger that the Iraqi Parliament planned to take a month’s vacation while the situation in that country was still so unsettled. Congress and the President then left Washington for their one-month vacations.
Any Muslim cleric with access to adherents, a microphone or an Internet site can issue a /fatwa, /a ruling on some aspect of Muslim behavior or duty. These fatwas may conflict with each other, to add to the confusion. The imam Hassan ben Sobr, chief cleric of the Mosque of the Prophet’s Brother-in-Law, in Brockton, Massachusetts, recently issued a fatwa directing all devout Muslims to pray for the destruction of the New York Yankees.
This was followed by a fatwa from Professor Wasabi al-Toledo, Chairman of the Department of Islamic Studies at New York’s Yeshiva University, offering a spot in Paradise for anyone who can introduce large quantities of stinging insects into ben Sobr’s beard.
Alarmed by the recent Minneapolis bridge collapse and the possibility that money to be allotted to upgrading the country’s infrastructure might come out of funds that could otherwise be directed to pork barrel spending in Alaska, Senator Ted Stevens has introduced a bill to provide 2.4 billion dollars for maintenance and repair of the famed Bridge to Nowhere, now under construction near Nowhere, AK.
A new poll among probable Democratic voters finds they prefer Hilary Clinton’s cleavage to that of Barack Obama, by 42% to 37%.
President Bush began his vacation the other day, whereupon his job approval rating gained ten points in the polls. Katie Couric announced she would begin her vacation as soon as possible.
Stumping in Iowa, Mitt Romney attempted to regain the support of dog lovers by announcing he would return to Massachusetts or Utah or wherever he is from by automobile, with two cats strapped to the roof of the car.
Not clear on the concept, Michael Vick has announced he will invest in a consortium of catfighting websites.
And I haven't even touched on Karl Rove...
Politics / Humor - From Fringe to Cringe Candidate
GOP Rep. Tom “Hablo Ingles Solamente” Tancredo propelled his candidacy from no chance in Hell to no chance in Hell and beyond when he said he favored bombing Mecca and other Islamic holy sites to deter a terrorist attack on the United States. Tancredo has even DAR dowagers wondering if they should book passage back to England on the Mayflower.
I Love Lake Winnipesaukee in the Summer
Top 5 reasons French President Nicolas Sarkozy chose to vacation in New Hampshire:
• Club Med-Bayonne was totally booked.
• Jerry Lewis claims the Granite State has the best lobster roll.
• Sarkozy mistakenly thought New Hampshire’s motto was “Live Free or Diet.”
• The money saved from stocking up at state liquor stores more than pays for the trip.
• Where else can a middle-age man be the Speedo King?
Mess-achusetts Musings
Five ways gambling can be used to promote unpopular state projects:
• LNG tanker/floating casino – More exciting than a flaming craps table.
• Halfway house/casino - What better way to help a former serial killer/future blackjack dealer get back on his feet?
• Hazardous waste dump/Keno parlor - Growing a third arm is a small price to pay for winning $50.
• Public housing project/bingo hall - That noxious odor in the stairway isn't urine. It’s the sweet smell of winning.
• Longfellow Bridge renovation scratch tickets - Uncover three support beams that haven't rusted away and you're a winner.
Small Street Journal
UPS is celebrating its 100-year anniversary. It is also the 100th anniversary of the first man to say: “I refuse to wear a derby and brown shorts.”
Weekly Prediction
Barack Obama will tell Hillary Clinton she has some toilet paper stuck on her shoe. Thirty seconds later, 150 news outlets will speculate how Clinton will respond.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.
Dear Spike — I’m a 45-year-old gay man. Every morning I go to my local coffee shop around 9, take my regular seat at the window, have some breakfast and coffee while I read the paper, then work on my novel for a few hours. I’ve been doing the same thing each weekday for 11 years (it’s too crowded on weekends). It’s a great place for me to get away and concentrate and the owners don’t mind because the shop is usually empty at that time and I tip well.
Two weeks ago, however, a group of 3–5 (it varies daily) young mothers began showing up each morning with their infants and taking the table directly behind me. I’m not a straight-hater or baby-basher (in fact I love babies and think that the diversity that’s come to the neighborhood is very healthy), but I’m extremely annoyed that they’re choosing to sit directly behind me, especially when the rest of the shop is empty. Although the women are very pleasant and the babies are well behaved, the constant gurgling and spitting up and cooing is all very distracting while I’m trying to write.
I know I could move, but I feel that as a longtime regular I have seniority and I really enjoy the view from my regular seat while I work. So how do I politely ask these women to move to a table farther away?
— Eduardo, South End, Boston
Dear Eduardo — It has always amazed Spike how oblivious people can be to their surroundings, especially when they have children in tow. How could these inconsiderate women have failed to notice that they weren’t actually in a public coffee shop, but rather your private office? Their lack of awareness astounds! But seriously, Eduardo, If you’ve been going to the same coffee shop, sitting in the same seat, and working on the same novel every weekday for the last 11 years you have far greater problems than a bunch of noisy breeders sitting behind you. Have you ever considered treatment for your obsessive-compulsive disorder, or maybe getting some friends?
But Spike is here to help, not criticize...or so they keep telling him...so that’s what he’ll do. Unfortunately there is no polite way to tell a mother that you are anything less than thrilled by the company of her child. No matter how sweet your tone or how carefully chosen your words, she will always see it as an attack, and the last thing you want to do is incite a gang of Pottery Barn moms. Sure they SEEM sweet and civilized, but they’ll beat your ass faster than Kelly Clarkson changes pants sizes. So Spike suggests you avoid any direct confrontation and instead provide the ladies with a motivation to move on their own.
The next time they show up, wait until they get settled in and then begin to cough. Not delicate, little, “I have a tickle in my throat” coughs, but great, gasping, phlegmy, “I have tuberculosis” hacks. Then make a show of wiping your mouth with a napkin and place the napkin conspicuously on the edge of the counter, closest to the nearest baby. Spike guarantees that not only will they move as far away from you as possible, but most likely they’ll pack up and leave entirely, never to return. Of course the owners might not be too happy about that, but you’re such a great tipper Spike is sure they won’t mind.
Best of luck, Eduardo, and try laying off those parentheses. In Spike’s opinion excessive use of parentheticals is an indication that the writer is just too lazy or uncaring to structure his or her thoughts properly (or something like that).
So ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.”
Dear Spike — I have a very close friend I’ll call Sarah. We’ve been friends since we met at Spit back in 1986 (SPIKE'S NOTE: Spit was a punk/new wave dance club on Boston's Landsdowne Street). She’s a straight, intelligent, liberal Jewish democrat in her mid-40s who LOVES gay men. In fact, with the exception of one woman she’s known since high school, all of her close friends and most of her acquaintances are gay men (she works at a high-end retail boutique so that might have something to do with it).
In most respects Sarah is an ideal friend. She’s a lot of fun, extremely kind, generous and caring, and very loyal. But she has one irritating habit. Whenever she introduces me to someone new she says, “This is Robert, one of my gays.” She also consistently refers to our group of friends as “my gays.” I know this isn’t uncommon. I’ve seen Kathy Griffin’s stand-up act and TV show and I know she does the same thing. But I still find it somewhat offensive.
Everytime I hear Sarah say “my gays” it sets my teeth on edge a little bit. I know she adores gay men, but when she calls us that I feel like on some deep level she doesn’t really respect us completely as individuals. It’s sort of like we’re just accessories.
I don’t think I’m just being overly sensitive. I’ve asked some of our other friends about it and they have the same reaction. I don’t want to offend Sarah because I think she’s a great person and I value our friendship, so how do I broach the subject with her? Or do you think I should just grin and bear it and accept it as one annoying foible from an otherwise wonderful human being?
— Robert, Boston
Dear Robert — A straight woman in her mid-40s who LOVES gay men, has only one straight friend, works in retail and is “a lot of fun”...hmmmm, Spike thinks you left out the part where she invites you over to swill Cosmopolitans, dances around her tiny Cambridge apartment in her vintage plus-size purple jacket with the shoulder pads to old New Order, Depeche Mode, Morrissey and Erasure songs, tries to convince you to sleep with her just once (again), then breaks down in tears, telling you that you and her cats are the only ones who really love her and wailing “Why can’t straight guys be like gay guys...but gay guys who fuck me?” Ah yes, Spike can picture it all now. Good times.
Anyway, Robert, are you being overly sensitive? Probably. Being that you call yourself Robert instead of Bob, Rob or Robbie, Spike suspects you’re the prissy type who would get offended if someone asked you if they could “bum a fag” in London. But Spike can see your perspective. And by introducing you as “one of my gays” Sarah IS actually pigeon-holing you. She’s defining you immediately to strangers solely by your sexuality and your relationship with her, and that seems rather short-sighted. One would think that an intelligent liberal fag-hag would be a bit more sensitive to something like that since she would theoretically appreciate that on an individual basis we’re all quite different and would want to convey that fact to the rest of the world.
So Spike thinks that as a friend you should probably bring the issue to her attention, but which approach to take depends entirely on what you think motivates her.
For example, Spike has an acquaintance whose 70-year-old mother refers to all gay people as “The Gays.” When Pride comes around she’ll ask her son questions like, “So what are The Gays doing for their festival this year?” That seems to be a pretty common way of referring to various groups among people of her generation. You’ve got The Gays, The Blacks, The Mexicans, etc...all apparently living down the street next to the Smiths and the Washingtons. Perhaps Sarah’s adoption of the phrase “my gays” is meant to be an ironic twist on this sort of detached nomenclature. She may be making a social or political statement by acknowledging its existence but personalizing it to let people know that she’s down with queers.
If that’s the case, then you’d actually be doing her a favor by letting her know that she’s unintentionally offending the very people she’s trying to publicly embrace, so just be direct. You’ll probably have to spend an hour explaining exactly why it’s offensive, but eventually Spike is sure she’ll get it and she’ll probably be absolutely giddy thinking that she’s moved that much closer to being an actual gay man with her new insight.
On the other hand, it could just be an annoying chick/gay guy thing. Not to generalize here (okay, so Spike is completely generalizing, but so what? that’s the beauty of having one’s own column), straight women and gay guys have a habit of using cutsie little expressions and nicknames. Who do you think decided that vegetables should henceforth be referred to as Veggies? Straight women and/or gay men, of course. And why? Was it really that difficult to say the full word or use specific names like carrots or broccoli? Hell, no! It just sounded cuter and straight women and gay men love to fill the world with precious, irritating little names for things.
In fact, Spike would be willing to bet his entire year’s salary for writing this column (which wouldn’t buy you a pack of gum, but hey, it’s the principle that counts) that straight women/gay men were responsible for such semantic blights on our culture as “Bennifer” and “Brangelina” (which sounds to Spike like some sort of whole grain feminine hygiene product), “chicklit,” “mani-pedi,” and the names of all coffee drinks served at Starbucks that aren’t actually French or Italian And Spike is also certain that straight women/gay men were behind the naming of any product or restaurant chain with an overly cutesy name. Coca Cola, Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken...definitely thought up by straight guys (or lesbians). Orville Redenbacker, Fuddruckers, Otis Spunkmeyer (just the sound of which makes Spike want to wretch), and KFC...straight chicks or fags.
And what could be more cloying and precious than “my gays?” Well, maybe “Pink Posse,” but “my gays” runs a close second, so it’s more than possible that Sarah has adopted the phrase just because she thinks it’s “cute.” If that’s the case, the next time she says it, just hold up your hand (since Spike is sure you and your friends are still working that tired old “talk to the hand” thing) and tell her it wasn’t cute the first time and it’s getting even less cute over time. And while you’re at it, tell her that all semolina-based products should always be referred to by their proper names (spaghetti, ziti, rotini) instead of the general designation of "pasta" and that you lied every time you told her those stretch leggings looked good on her.
The final possibility is that Sarah does, indeed, think of you and your friends as accessories. Some people accessorize with shoes and purses, some do it with Vietnamese babies, and some do it with gays. “My gays” may be her way of demonstrating her own wonderfulness in openly embracing a downtrodden minority (the equivalent of “Some of my best friends are black” to prove a lack of racial prejudice).
If that’s the case, then you should teach her by example. The next time you introduce her to someone, just say, “This is my Jew, Sarah.” Is this patently offensive and potentially going to destroy your relationship? Sure, but Spike is pretty sure you’ll only need to do it once, and if she thinks of you as just a glamorous accessory you don’t want her as a friend anyway.
So best of luck, Robert, and the next time you and Sarah get together for another pathetic 80s revival, be sure not to call.
Ciao for now,
Spike
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
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