Invasion of the Baby Mommas
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.
Dear Spike — I’m a 45-year-old gay man. Every morning I go to my local coffee shop around 9, take my regular seat at the window, have some breakfast and coffee while I read the paper, then work on my novel for a few hours. I’ve been doing the same thing each weekday for 11 years (it’s too crowded on weekends). It’s a great place for me to get away and concentrate and the owners don’t mind because the shop is usually empty at that time and I tip well.
Two weeks ago, however, a group of 3–5 (it varies daily) young mothers began showing up each morning with their infants and taking the table directly behind me. I’m not a straight-hater or baby-basher (in fact I love babies and think that the diversity that’s come to the neighborhood is very healthy), but I’m extremely annoyed that they’re choosing to sit directly behind me, especially when the rest of the shop is empty. Although the women are very pleasant and the babies are well behaved, the constant gurgling and spitting up and cooing is all very distracting while I’m trying to write.
I know I could move, but I feel that as a longtime regular I have seniority and I really enjoy the view from my regular seat while I work. So how do I politely ask these women to move to a table farther away?
— Eduardo, South End, Boston
Dear Eduardo — It has always amazed Spike how oblivious people can be to their surroundings, especially when they have children in tow. How could these inconsiderate women have failed to notice that they weren’t actually in a public coffee shop, but rather your private office? Their lack of awareness astounds! But seriously, Eduardo, If you’ve been going to the same coffee shop, sitting in the same seat, and working on the same novel every weekday for the last 11 years you have far greater problems than a bunch of noisy breeders sitting behind you. Have you ever considered treatment for your obsessive-compulsive disorder, or maybe getting some friends?
But Spike is here to help, not criticize...or so they keep telling him...so that’s what he’ll do. Unfortunately there is no polite way to tell a mother that you are anything less than thrilled by the company of her child. No matter how sweet your tone or how carefully chosen your words, she will always see it as an attack, and the last thing you want to do is incite a gang of Pottery Barn moms. Sure they SEEM sweet and civilized, but they’ll beat your ass faster than Kelly Clarkson changes pants sizes. So Spike suggests you avoid any direct confrontation and instead provide the ladies with a motivation to move on their own.
The next time they show up, wait until they get settled in and then begin to cough. Not delicate, little, “I have a tickle in my throat” coughs, but great, gasping, phlegmy, “I have tuberculosis” hacks. Then make a show of wiping your mouth with a napkin and place the napkin conspicuously on the edge of the counter, closest to the nearest baby. Spike guarantees that not only will they move as far away from you as possible, but most likely they’ll pack up and leave entirely, never to return. Of course the owners might not be too happy about that, but you’re such a great tipper Spike is sure they won’t mind.
Best of luck, Eduardo, and try laying off those parentheses. In Spike’s opinion excessive use of parentheticals is an indication that the writer is just too lazy or uncaring to structure his or her thoughts properly (or something like that).
So ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
